Ok, there’s a slim chance I’m just infatuated by my appointment this week as ‘Domestic Word-czar for Confusion’. The call did come from the Wash. (D.C.) area code, so I assume it’s legit. Suprising though, since I really haven’t made any headway in my campaign for a cleaner tongue in years. The job-description itself is a little ambiguous. I guess I’ll grow into it.
First call was to my fellow plenty-potentiate, Richard ‘Dick‘ Tater, out in Monsanto. Idaho, who is now the U.S Potato Czar. In office three weeks, he’s already embattled by bitter, geasy, trailer-park home-fries who wish him only failure and field-losses.
“Call me the ‘Spud King’“, he said, somewhat bitterly, after I introduced myself, “just like on Fox.”
“No respect for the office, ha” I said, commiserating. “They haven’t started on me yet, thank God.”
“They will.” Dick assured me. “I spend half the time dealing with my detractors.”
“You mean the damn GOP, those grupsich old potatoes?”
“No, I said ‘Mighty Tractors’. Incorporated. Their factory’s right next to mine out here in Monsanto.”
“Oh that ‘my detractors’.” I said, calmly noting the ‘confusion’
“Yeah, their own honcho wanted the job. He still does. The dude’s in denial.”
“In da Nile?” I asked, puzzled. “You mean like, ‘up to his waist in crocodiles’?”
“Nope, they’re alligators.” Dick corrected me and laughed.
“Maybe they oughta concentrate on making a better tractor. That XJ-99 model they’re pushing, I mean, old man Diesel is probably spinning in his furrow.”
“For now, they parked most of ’em behind the spite-gates they put up to in the alley between us, to block my access to my own home.” Dick told me.
“Ooh, that’s serious.” I told him, understanding the ‘alley-gaters’ without missing a beat this time.
Three days on the job and I got a full plate already….
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jxsolberg 
delightful as always…
@butshebites – Thanks:) I made it short here, for busy readers and weight-watchers.
hahaha! alligators in the alley! (I just got that after reading this about ten times) don’t forget miss keeters, too. Don’t know what to say about potatoes but over here in Florida there is Monsantoes to go with mosquitoes in Orlandoes. er… (should I delete or submit…why not?) thanks for being fun.
@POETIC_ISIS – Oh my. Always ‘Submit’; we can edit later. I missed miss keeter, thanks, hope they don’t can me for that.// Xanga’s either real sleepy or my post sucks; in either case I’m grateful as usual for your sharp eyes.
I agree with Poetic Isis, ( and the Boston Pops ) one read is never enough. This is superbly clever stuff you put here. I liked Mr. Tater a lot. I don’t know why Mcdonalds doesn’t buy that idea. I am picturing twin sons ( the small fries) with six eyes each.
@gnostic1 – Heartfelt thanks, plus one(1) OMG!. My next post, already written. is precisely about “Twin Sons”. I know, researcher bias; we only note the coincidences which support the conjecture but damn. esp?
@jsolberg – suddenly I’m fascinated with these potato king stories. I don’t know what they’re about, but did you know versions of the story have been told in movies? I’ll give you my usual “there’s more to your posts” than we “missing the background” can check, and I do appreciate your treating me like I am welcome. Thank you for all your alligator-wrestling ideas.
I am abrim with awe, awash in envy, swept by gales of laughter. Me scuppers are leaking mate, such is the level of my amusement. Keep up the good work!
Word -czar for Confusion aye? Job suits you well. Hope it pays well as well. Too many wells? That’s a deep question.
Crocodiles? OK, man. I bet they’re allegorical.
Does the potato salad come with Caesar dressing?
@POETIC_ISIS – I’m assuming, without a productive tete-a-tete chat, that we are roughly equal in our deep potato-lore. I’ve dug them for a good half a century, albeit, but the Right Honorable Dick Tater’s *forgotten* more than both of us ever knew. Hence the six-figure figure-head head-hunters hunting him down down-town. (Hey, I like that little impromptu figure-of-speech; but now I can’t use it in a post. Damn)
@MelFamy – Bilge-water, I believe, is the alternate, neutral term for my word-salad, ha. Although in this day of limited resources, there may be some economically-justified recoverable precious-metals in it. Your much more expansive ‘Delano Redux’ on-line novel, in my subjective assay, is more Platinum than dross, and I eagerly await the announcement from the folks at Warner’s, or at least ‘random house’.
@ItsWhatEyeKnow – You’re so supportive and thoughtful:) Makes me rue having been born 50 years too early to have been your ’10’. If I’d had you as a momma I coulda been a contenda.
@somewittyhandle – I shall reply separately to each of your signature witticisms; thus increasing my ‘Comment-Count’ and ensuring myself a high placement in the Valhalla of Xanga ‘Top Blogs. In this instance, ‘Allegorical’ conjures up a horrific picture of blood and guts floating down-river, thence to the Fertile Crescent. Let that be a lesson to the Hubris-nics.
@somewittyhandle – Ok, you can be forgiven for writing a comment mentioning food, glorious food, at a moment when your grateful recipient finds himself starving a la Biafra. // The cuisine in the Executive Office Building canteen is ‘acceptable’, I’d offer, marred only marginally by the current jingoist agenda. This morning I dined on English muffins, French toast, Brussels sprouts, and a side of Icelandic Salmon. All of the above were however carefully re-named to disguise their national origin. Fit for a Xenophobic King. Me, f’r’instance.
But I’m still waiting for a response to my third comment.
@somewittyhandle – ha. ^^ That *is* your third comment, unless xanga swallowed another one whole. There, I responded, having in the interim stuffed my face with Swiss cheese, Rumanian pastrami, and Lebanese ‘m’sah’b’khah. Oops, the U.N on the phone. Some award or something….
I didn’t realise that ms’sah’b’khah went with other girls.
@somewittyhandle – Gracious! For you to recognize the bi-lingual pun in the name: (‘sah’ is to go/drive, and ‘b’khah’ means ‘with you’….) I sure wouldn’t put it past your wall-to-wall erudition though. Oh, and the remainder in the fridge, I checked, she’s all mine. paid 13 shekels for her love. A bit cold though, but she comes in a plastic dish. yes, that easy.
Wow! Two days late. Please allow me to join in the frivolity in spite of my tardy arrival.So you are the Word-Czar, then. Possibly the first properly vetted czar of the year, I’d venture.You know though, a nice Caterpillar could take care of those alley gaters…
@frtnr_mama – Aha, the yellow menace; I’ll suggest it.John Deere’s are green/ though the hue’s got detractors/ Farmall’s too formal… for a number of factors.Thanks for your vote of confidence.
@jsolberg – Absolutely! And if it doesn’t work out, your Xangans will be only too happy to catch a falling czar!I’ve never heard of tractors set to rhyme and meter… and the words even rhyme with tractors even though “tractors” aren’t even mentioned! Excellent!
@frtnr_mama – the words are from one of my favorite songs, ‘Amy’, but I need to work on it a few hours before uploading. Amy? Hmmm
@jsolberg – Did you anticipate the confusion that I’m feeling right now? I feel like I must be missing something.
@frtnr_mama – No, wasn’t being clever; just unclear, maybe, as I re-read. Yes there is a nice song I wrote three years ago, by that name, which has the lines I quoted in it. I’ll let you know when I put it here. Then it hit me, the name of the song. That’s all. Sorry
@jsolberg – Well, how nice of you to write a song for me before we’d even “met!” Hope you have a good night!Amy