One would have to be living deep inside four windowless fire-walls not to have noticed the Xanga Front-Page Brouhaha these past few weeks concerning the fate of the letter ‘Q’ Now I’m not suggesting you run there and read about it; the place is lately becoming a gas-station rest-room filled with once-deservedly-anonymous self-appointed and -annointed barely-verbal diarhea-sufferers, some of them also on an excess of diuretics. I bravely check out the place once a week or so, as a public service here, at the cost of then going a week without Valium™. Ugh!
At any rate, what started as a mild-mannered post on Letter-ish, the new Xanga sister-site for folks obsessed (moi?) with consonants and vials of vowels, has escalated into a veritable World WarIII.
Revelife, the Jeezuz-dittos hangout, has abandoned its usual “Did Jesus masturbate?” type of in-depth theology, declaring the Question-Of-The-Century “SOLVED: No extant photos of Him wearing glasses.” Their forces are now divided between “If ‘Q’ was good enough for our Lord and Saviour, it’s good enough for poor pitiable me. After all, the letter appears 17 times (!) in the Holy Writ” pitted against the Existentialist trolls: “God, if she exists, would have wanted us to use the brain She gave us, and it’s a no-brainer that a letter so redundant has outlived its usefulness.” —297 Comments, profusely spewed-upon by Saints Augustine, Camus, and ‘Pastor Bob Speaks’
Momaroo in turn has neglected temporarily the hot issue of “What color are your baby’s feces?” while they get down-and-dirty on alphabetic pedagogy. Most of ’em seem to think that since “TWA just took off” and “L&M got kicked out for smoking.” the loss one yet one more letter in the alphabet will make it just that much easier to teach today’s modern preservatives and flavor-enhancers-addled young mind to read and rite. Not to mention a cheaper Speak’N-Spell™ at Discount City®.
Health-kicker, a breath of fresh air, is almost solidly in favor of keeping the letter, though for possibly trivial reasons: example: “What’ll we call Q-tips?”
The Afro-Americans, still partially euphoric over the election of one of their stellar own to the highest office in the land, none-the-less can’t seem to adopt a consistent party line. On the one hand Kwanzaa© somehow anticipated the proposed sloughing-off years ago, but there are still, (on the other hand, whose palm is ‘flesh-coloured’ How’d that happen?) there are Uncle Toms and Aunt B’s who prefer not to make waves. After all, the Honkies have such a long track record of ‘blame the schvartzes’, in case the experiment goes south.
And so you probably want to know where I stand on the Issue?
‘Unexpectedly conservative’, I’d describe my stance. I mean, just when I belatedly, against the late Dick Feynman’s wise advice, came to grips with the absurdities of Quantum Physics, I’m supposed to learn to call it ‘Kwantum’? ‘Q’ is, I’ll admit, about the most useless letter in the alphabet. It can’t even stand up by itself, needing a ‘U’ to hold its pathetic little hand. Plus, sitting there at the extreme upper left of the QWERTY keyboard, it’d be child’s-play to simply re-engineer the keyscan.dll routine. ‘Q’ does, granted, have an important meaning in electronics, describing the sharpness of an LC tuned-circuit’s resonance curve. And Barbara Tuchman might sue whatever agency takes responsibility in the end for axeing the letter. “An ‘O’ with a ‘chup-chik!’“, detractors will call it disparagingly. And I predict a division along blue/red state lines. “What, Dan Quayle died in vain??!”, the Limbaugh-drones will rant into their cheap cordless phones from trailer courts in Texas.
I therefore have no kwalms about remaining kwiet on this hot-button kwestion. Rage on, Front Page. Beats “Theo Sucks-Y/N?” any day..
Q: This is a parody, right?
A: Ahh.. ‘Q’, right on cue. Sure thing, cutie pie, not to worry.
Q: Whew! But still, I get your little joke; I am expendable, non? *sniffs*
A: Bite your tongue! I love you to pieces; better than waffles. I just hope my irony steals your heart.
Q: It has, kid. You’re the ferrous in the land. Yo te quiero mucho.
A: Ah, et tu, too. ‘Besemer mucho’… But you can kill the get-up, ‘Q’
Q: What, the dress?
A: Yeah I’d call that impromptu tu-tu too Teutonic for the occasion…
Q: This is an occasion?
A: Yeah. It only happens occasionally, when I have an ally present.
Q: You’re so sweet; you brought me a present?
A: Yeah, a stay of execution. And one with staying power.
Q: You mean, I’ll be a part of the Alphabet forever?
A: Well, in Hebrew, at least. We need you ‘like a robin needs a worm’.
Q: Eeww! great metaphor, Johnny.
A: Sorry. But what I mean is, in Hebrew we got like, seven ‘K’ sounds: various levels of throat-clearing noises. We use ‘Q’ to transliterate the letter ‘koof’®, one of the more civil ones.
Q: Like in ‘Qadima’, the name of your sleepy little hamlet?
A: Righto. Oof, now you make me hungry.
Q: Quiche is kosher…
A: This may be the start of a beautiful…
Q: ‘..a beautiful sentence. Glad I stopped by…
q: (‘Q’s 17 year old daughter): Who the hell is Besemer?
A: He’s the guy who figured out how to efficiently convert iron to steel in , I don’t know, 1832?. Plus, there’s a popular Latin song called ‘Bese me mucho’ Did I ever tell you you look like your mom, but 25 years younger? Now get on Wiki and be in on all the jokes. I’m-a lovin’ your jeans, btw.