Betty placed the four plates on the table carefully, one for each of us, and parceled out our all-we-can-afford-nowadays ‘breakfast’: Two slices of toast smeared with our mystery Subject-of the Day. The race to consume and comprehend began…
Alfie: “I can’t believe it’s not butter. Simple as that.”
Betty: Then you believe that it is, in fact, butter, Alf?”
Alfie: “Well yeah, I guess that’s the only logical conclusion.”
Jimmel, speaking with his mouth full, broke in: “No, he only said he can’t believe it ain’t.. you know.. butter.”
Betty: Then what the hell does he believe it is, wise guy, chopped liver?”
Jimmel: Oy, Betty you pedantic little nin-com-poop, listen for a change. Alfie only confessed to his inability to Believe.”
Alfie: *thankful for the support* “Yeah, ‘what he said’– I’m like, an agnostic.
I listened raptly, though the whole thing reminded me of yet another 693-comment Xanga post on the Existence of God. Searching my plate in a futile hope of finding any remaining crumbs and coming up bereft, I chimed in:
Me: “Yeah guys. A true atheist would say ‘This is-or-is not butter. This I believe. Amen,’.. oh, and ‘there is no God’. End of subject. But Alfie here, he’s holding out for the lab-test results: ‘Specimen contained zero animal fats or proteins. Butter ruled out conclusively’.
Jimmel: So what is it,nu.. ‘Betty’, if that’s your real name?”
Jimmel: “Why don’t they just admit it.”
Betty: “Marketing, who knows? Suspense.”
Alfie: “Hey, why not call it ‘I can’t believe you guys can’t believe it’s not butter'”
Me: Oof, Don’t go– meta- like that, Alf, not on an empty stomach…”
Alfie: “Anyway, God died 65 million years ago. When He let that stupid comet wipe out four billion years of ‘character development’. Almost knocked the earth off the whole stack of giant turtles.”
Me: “You saying the dinosaurs had character?”
Alfie: “They stuck to their guns a lot longer than we’ve been able to so far. Plus, the whole deal sucks, I say. Some wannabe hands God a note, there beside the swimming pool; One word: “Mammals” and God buys it? Just like that?”
Jimmel: “I think it said ‘Plastics‘. I saw the movie.”
Betty: “At least mammals give milk. As in, duh, ‘maketh butter’?”
Me: “yeah, ‘just add water’. Or…um.. remove it”.
Alfie: Speaking of which, this stuff has a real plastic-y after-taste.”
Betty: “Then you do believe it’s not butter after all?”
Alfie: “Who cares? I’m starving. What’s for lunch, Bett?”
Betty: “You guys’ll love it.
Me: “Lemme guess, ‘I can’t believe it’s not bread’®?”
Betty: “Oy, you cheated. No fair.”
Alfie: “God is dead. We now have living proof.”
Jimmel:” So what you gonna do now, Alf? Now that you don’t believe in anything anymore?”
Me: “He’ll probably go to Law school.
Alf: “Yup, and one with a cafeteria(!) . But thanks anyway for breakfast, Bett. Food for thought at least.
Q: What the hell motivates you to write this stuff?
A: Eehh.. Tryin’ to deconstruct ad-copy, I guess.
Q: And hoping somebody’ll find it humorous?
A: Sure, can’t deny that. I got 130 subs. Trying to ‘raise ’em from the dead’.
Q: But it takes time to write.
A: A half hour, plus/minus punctuation, bold, italics, quotes, underline, indent
Q: That does make it easier to read.
A: Yeah, I’m good at that part, by now. Content rulez though, of course.
Q: Think anybody’ll slyly hint that he ‘got’ the refs? You know, like The Graduate, or the Simpsons or the “Turtles all the way down’?
A: Tell ya the truth, ‘Q’, I used to let that make or break my day. Now lately I’m pretty sure I write 50% or more for myself. Or family: This one’s mainly for my son who also saw the “p implies q” problem in the “Can’t believe it ain’t Butter” label
Q: You’re a lucky guy, ‘A’
A: Yeah, the God I never believed in for a second does genetics like a champion. Don’t make me cry now.
Q: Sorry. What else you working on?
A: Packing, collecting bills, decoding train schedules
Q: Bon voyage… to anybody stupid enough to fly to a colder climate.
A: At least they got a schvartze leader-in-charge, honest and smart, finally. We don’t even have a white one worth saluting. Fuck, all Bibi did last time was to lick the decals off the presents foreign dignitaries gave us. Him and his stupid joke-of-a-wife, Sarah.
Q: Sucks. No wonder you write dumb stuff to take your mind off it.