I sit here trying to concentrate and type over the revolting yelps of seven neighbors’ dogs. Nearly impossible to concentrate, after having slept perhaps 3 hours last night because of the same horrid hounds’ selfish and evil ‘hobby’.
V. I. Lenin, sitting here beside me, (unless I halucinate,) is saying “Go for it, Comrade! Create a Plan, a Strategy for putting the Running dogs of the Canine conspiracy into history’s trash-heap In chains, if feasible.”
Seriously, I have long wanted to calmly put my thoughts on this breed into a crisp, clear, and tactfully productive form. In Hebrew of course, since I have yet to note even one English-speaking local who would allow his dog to torture the community. A random coincidence, or a tribute to the basic thoughtfulnes they internalized in the countries from which they immigrated? I’ll leave that discussion till after I calm down a bit. This post is simply a trial-dog-biscuit on my positions. We shall see if anyone bites.
Ok, start with biting: Has anyone here in class even been frightened, mortified, by the spectre of a ferocious tabby-cat, blocking the sidewalk and threatening double-digit stitches? Pause.No, I didn’t think so.
Again, class: walking down the sidewalk, do you have to negotiate a minefield of A) Cat-poop, or B) Dog poop? Nancy: “You’re funny, Mr Solberg. Everybody knows that cats dig holes in the ground and then cover everything carefully afterward. Dogs just do it wherever they feel like it, like on our front porch every morning.”
Thank you Nancy. And now class, what noise keeps you awake all night, cat’s meows, or dogs woofing, growling, barking for hours at their shadows and at each other? Jenny? “Well, you kinda gave away the answer, but yes, except for maybe once a year or so, it’s dogs.
For these three sins alone I can’t fathom why this creature was ever domesticated. A putative ‘Man’s Best Friend’ who, incapable of speech, never ever tells his owner ‘You, sir, are a first-class asshole!’ Must be comforting.
The net-help stresses that ‘there are no bad dogs, only bad owners.’ That is: my nearest neighbor’s dog, barking as if vomiting out his guts for 7 uninterrupted hours last night is innocent, and it’s the bonehead owner’s fault for simply leaving the beast alone there, in an echo-chamber of a concrete driveway while the family leaves for the night to watch ‘101 Dalmations’. Or ‘Night of the Living Dead’
I need to address the laughable contention that a dog is a great, and cheap, home alarm system. Sorry chum, your dog is merely a ‘false-alarm system’. Night after night I watch them, through their un-curtained picture windows, sitting glued to three separate TVs all the while the beast is yelping its head off non-stop. Perhaps when a real burglar visits, and throws the dog a poisoned steak as is their wont here, the family of boneheads will note the mysterious cessation of barking and peer outside. Hmm..
Every bone in my body screams, at 3AM to ‘Kill the Beast!’ The problem is that some lawmaker who hadn’t suffered as I have, made that action illegal. Ditto for ‘eliminating’ the owner. And so I’m left with furtively spraying the thing in the face once in a while. Works for about three minutes generally.
Yes, I of course tried talking to the owner. He claims they don’t hear it from inside the house, and anyway, barking up to 110 decibels is legal until 11 PM. I (try to) go to sleep by 8 or 9, since I get up at 5AM religously. So 11PM is the middle of Dream 2 for me.
Here are a few sentences of my ‘Je accuse’, tentatively:
By what right do you give yourselves permission to destroy the peace and tranquility of an entire neighborhood?
Are you even aware that your pest-on-a-leash is louder than an average jackhammer, which I surely wouldn’t dream of running till almost midnight? Or do I, in fact, have your sanction to do just that?
Are you amenable to financing the total soundproofing of my property, such that you can then continue living in your private Hell without hurting innocent bystanders?
ADD: I must point out that my experience as a dog-owner is limited to the three sequential collies we had on the farm during 20 years of needing their services. A good farm dog remembers which cows are ‘dry’ (not being milked while they wait to calve) and has a hundred + acres as a ‘bathroom’. and i’m not sure I ever heard any of our ‘Lassie’s bark.
So that’s my total knowledge of the breed. Your Pekinese mileage may vary.
I do want to hear what anyone has to say on the subject. The previous cry for help (writing tips) didn’t exactly net me an online MFA, and the songs I post fail to go viral. Perhaps ‘Dogs’ is a more universal topic. and by the way, the canine wailing has now started for the night. Five PM until ‘whenever’. Oy