Gotta start somewhere.. I’ll probably devolve into bullet-points shortly,
which are legal; hell, even Alexis de Tocqueville’s 1835 “Top Ten Reasons why
there’s Something Fishy going on on the Other side of the Pond” had chapters.
Impossible to describe it in one long soliloquy.. the scene, you know. So
bullet points. But first try diplomacy. And what smooths the ‘art of the
possible’ like a good stiff drink. So yeah, I felt like a fool asking the girl
at the Distributor “What beer you got has the most alcohol, in the most and
biggest cans, and for the least money?” This in pidgin Spanish, with lots of
‘muy mas’s’. She understood, bless her heart, did the calculation like a
research chemist, in her head, in pesos, I guess, and told the guy at the
counter, in Esparanto, to go get the Elephant. He spoke Hindi, bless his heart
also, and yes, $30 for 24 cans at 7.3% by volume, that’s do-able. And it’s
even Carlsberg, so I’m supporting Quantum physics research.
Polyglot, that’s new here. I don’t really like it. “Polyglot, the Word”, I
mean. Isn’t the glot that chupchik at the back of your throat God put there so
you can’t eat a sandwich and say thank-you at the same time? Ugh! Of course,
‘poly-lingual’ is dumb too. “Da man speak with-a many tongue-ses..” i guess
that’s why ‘merkins want everybody to please speak english.
Ok, I promised bullets, here’s bullets: remember, “Gun’s don’t kill people,
bullets do!” Great motto. That way I can fit in, be against gun-control, and
like, privately support ‘bullet-control’. It’ll be ok. Most of the folks with
the impaired members will feel just as potent with only an empty gun in their
hands. No one has to know…
1) I’m writing a letter to the ‘Union Electrician’ to whom I shelled out 500
bucks from far-away Isreal where I used to live ‘way over there’, in regards
to the work he did. I’ve never seen such sloppiness, even in the Holy
Land-of-the-Sloppy. Live wires hanging out, three breakers just pulled out of
the box, which killed the kitchen lights and sun-room receps, his new
un-necessary feed to the Hot-Water Heater run through a doorway (!) and
exiting the breaker box without bothering to use like, a punch-out hole and a
strain-relief. I have to re-do the whole mess. And he’d sent a long e-mail
explaining how his work meets the most stringent code.. “so he can sleep at
night” in his words. Pleasant dreams, bozo, next time I’ll call the
2) Got my new camera to work. It took a night or two to go through 179 pages
of pidgin-gibberish, to red-pencil “No it doesn’t, shit-head!” beside the
‘instructions on each page. You gotta see the graphic where they ‘show’ you
how to lock and/or unlock the memory-card to appreciate the horror. Yeah, of
course I can figure it out by trial and error, but then what’s the fucking
book for? Guess Fuji didn’t have a quarter to call a native speaker, (or any
Earthling, for that matter) the day the book went to the printer.
3) So now let’s talk about Armenia-On-Lime or whatever that horrid abomination
calls itself. Seems like I just can’t find anyone nearby who even expects
internet to be a clean scene; you know, turn on the computer, one-click to
connect to ADSL, click to Google and the world is yours (and brittany can suck
eggs.) AOL is so hogged-up with passwords, ads, little hearts for their
un-usable ‘favorites’, no details on “Back”, and half the time no back at all.
I just downloaded a one-Meg driver for a sound-card, on a dial-up connection,
at 860 bytes/second. Took a couple hours, but hey, this is Armenia. When I was
little it wasn’t possible at any speed; we had to learn to play the piano,
while we waited for Shockley to invent the transistor, the little nazi.
4) What else? Oh, the ex-tenants did save my mail. A hundred pounds of it
actually. Over two-hundred credit-cards, pre-approved, with my name in gold or
platinum or whatever. I added it up, seventeen billion dollars of credit.
that’s right $17,000,000,000! I told the Lufthansa-Leute that I won’t be
needing that return ticket. Boeing’s sending my new 777 to PHL on thursday’
can’t wait to finally sit in the cockpit like a mensch at Flight Level
5) And even though I’m filthy rich, I’m still working 18 hours a day getting
my house ready for new tennants. We’re gonna require a few more items in the
check-em-out process this time:
a) oppose-able thumb(s)
b) DNA testing: minimum 31 chromosomes
c) candidates appearing on the PA ‘Public’s Right-to Know’ Web-site as
convicted sex-offenders will be docked three points. (Don’t laugh, my last two
tenants were right there, mug-shot and all)
d) Reasonable command of spoken and written language. Note I don’t care
what language; it’s literacy we’re after here.
e) oh, and lots of money…forgot that one.
6) Had a brief scare yesterday; the old Tenants-from-Hell I paid thousands to
evict showed up next door to rent from my neighbor. I had to pay a quick
midnight visit to make sure he knew what to expect. Turns out my neighbor’s a
little sharper than me, and had already told them ‘No’. Something about the
candidate having no liver left. I never saw my dead-beat when I rented to him,
in my defense. My neighbor also told me that the clown brought with him a
poorly-spelled list of ‘chemicals he found in my attic’. A new renter’s
tactic? I have no idea what that was supposed to net him. What, i only kicked
him out ’cause I was hopped-up on sodium-boro-hydride? Ok, I admit it, I wuz
gonna disolve the idiot in di-ethyl ether under nitrogen with stirring, and
then ‘reduce’ him in my fume-hood to a gooey mess of spent carbo-hydrates I
could safely flush down the toilet. Sue me.
7) Well that’s six bullets, hope the muzzle-velocity was somewhere near spec.
Oh, i did buy a new four-in-one screwdriver. Had to get it at K-Mart. They
were playing the Beatles’ ‘Penny Lane’; I stood under the speaker, then felt
like a fool when someone broke into the chorus with a blue-lite special. The
screwdriver’s apparently targeted to women, American women who’ll want to
screw that perfect halloween decoration to their plastic front door. It’s pink
with a floral motif. But the last one I sent through in my checked baggage
arrived at Ben Gurion as a handle-only; they’d taken the inserts out of it,
for security reasons, I assume. Little do they know I can divert a jumbo to
Libya with just the handle.
That’s the news; sorry I took so long. Here’s a picture, to prove I’m not
making this up, of my neighbor’s pond (hard to see) across the road, with
Canadian Geese (lots of them, real loud, but not in the picture.. I’ll shoot
them tomorrow)… and a big US of A flag to welcome me and the geese, I guess.