Tag Archives: drug tests

What’s Mine is Urine

¬†Took the first pee test of my life yesterday; a new requirement for re-upping a low-level security clearance. And… well, I needn’t have studied all night for it!
All that Grey’s stuff on ureters, bladders, kidney function? It wasn’t on the test! Jus’ kidding of course.
But seriously, I hadn’t much clue going in about the ‘depth’ of the inquiry. Maybe I expected an exhaustive work-up on kidney function, creatine and Billy Rubin, stuff like that there? Didn’t happen.
Luckily I don’t use any drugs, so no need to frantically drink Drano (or other internet advice) to ‘cleanse’ my piss.
One thing I did do was to studiously not drink a beer for 24 hours (!). Took a bit of will-power, but then that’s what they need in an occasionally ‘life-and-death’ operative, no?

Four Panel Strips:

home-drug-test-5-strip-5

After waiting two hours, all the time afraid to ‘drain my radiator’, I was invited to fill a plastic cup. Un-watched. (OK, I was too busy to look for sneaky cameras)
The pleasant official then dipped the ‘miracle of chemistry’ labelled strip into the cup for ten seconds, and that was it. Asked me to dump the rest of the precious data into the toilet. End of Test?

Came home and, as is my wont, became, within an hour, an arm-chair Googlexpert on drug-test-tech:
The four carefully-prepared ‘fingers’ of the test strip are each ready to scream ‘Gevalt!’ upon detecting their own family of false drugs: opiates, THC, benzo-diazopines, amphetemines, etc. Companies and agencies who are willing to fork over bigger bucks can buy strips which also look for alcohol and the wide range of synthesized drugs folks apparently take these days.
I now doubt that my test gave a hoot about ethanol, but no big deal, my abstinence saved a meaningful pile of shekels in any event.
Looking for a truly salient point here:
Yo, I can buy the goddamn strip myself, online!
And I’m seriously considering it.
Next time someone asks me to sign off on a lucrative (for me or for him?) construction contract…
Or I’m being accused by a deranged Israeli motorist who just plowed into my rear bumper of having ‘you backed into me in Reverse!’
Or, hey, who knows, even a predatory woman declaring love at first sight.. (Not one of my immediate problems; this example included as a pubic-service announcement)

I shall pull out my handy test kit. (25 units fot $49.95)
And request, nay ‘require‘ an on the spot urine sample!
Hey ‘Go with the flow’. In today’s drug-addled world, I at least have a right to know what my adversary was high on.
Please, someone tell me where I’m wrong here?