What’s Mine is Urine

 Took the first pee test of my life yesterday; a new requirement for re-upping a low-level security clearance. And… well, I needn’t have studied all night for it!
All that Grey’s stuff on ureters, bladders, kidney function? It wasn’t on the test! Jus’ kidding of course.
But seriously, I hadn’t much clue going in about the ‘depth’ of the inquiry. Maybe I expected an exhaustive work-up on kidney function, creatine and Billy Rubin, stuff like that there? Didn’t happen.
Luckily I don’t use any drugs, so no need to frantically drink Drano (or other internet advice) to ‘cleanse’ my piss.
One thing I did do was to studiously not drink a beer for 24 hours (!). Took a bit of will-power, but then that’s what they need in an occasionally ‘life-and-death’ operative, no?

Four Panel Strips:


After waiting two hours, all the time afraid to ‘drain my radiator’, I was invited to fill a plastic cup. Un-watched. (OK, I was too busy to look for sneaky cameras)
The pleasant official then dipped the ‘miracle of chemistry’ labelled strip into the cup for ten seconds, and that was it. Asked me to dump the rest of the precious data into the toilet. End of Test?

Came home and, as is my wont, became, within an hour, an arm-chair Googlexpert on drug-test-tech:
The four carefully-prepared ‘fingers’ of the test strip are each ready to scream ‘Gevalt!’ upon detecting their own family of false drugs: opiates, THC, benzo-diazopines, amphetemines, etc. Companies and agencies who are willing to fork over bigger bucks can buy strips which also look for alcohol and the wide range of synthesized drugs folks apparently take these days.
I now doubt that my test gave a hoot about ethanol, but no big deal, my abstinence saved a meaningful pile of shekels in any event.
Looking for a truly salient point here:
Yo, I can buy the goddamn strip myself, online!
And I’m seriously considering it.
Next time someone asks me to sign off on a lucrative (for me or for him?) construction contract…
Or I’m being accused by a deranged Israeli motorist who just plowed into my rear bumper of having ‘you backed into me in Reverse!’
Or, hey, who knows, even a predatory woman declaring love at first sight.. (Not one of my immediate problems; this example included as a pubic-service announcement)

I shall pull out my handy test kit. (25 units fot $49.95)
And request, nay ‘require‘ an on the spot urine sample!
Hey ‘Go with the flow’. In today’s drug-addled world, I at least have a right to know what my adversary was high on.
Please, someone tell me where I’m wrong here?


17 thoughts on “What’s Mine is Urine

    1. solberg73 Post author

      A nice compliment, El; syncs with my real goal in life!
      (And note I didn’t specify a policy for testees with positive results. Hey, if the predatory woman’s got a scrip from a feel-good doc, I’m her new homie.

  1. happierheathen

    I’ve concluded, in the most efficient manner possible, that one who cannot even pee positively is an unsuitable job candidate; there’s enough negativity in the world already.

    Never mind that the most efficient means of reaching a conclusion is to just make things up. All of that time spent studying and thinking is time not available for progress!

    1. solberg73 Post author

      I obviously anticipated your input. The semantic mix-up of ‘positive and negative is truly evocative.
      (I actually felt ‘Boring’ giving my unremarkable sample. )
      Oh, and, between us, I know that even were I a 4++ ‘fail’ on the test, my instincts and work-ethic would prevail in making me the preferred job candidate.

      1. somewittyhandle

        Addressing this point, it seems to me that there may equally be a market for ‘positive’ urine to save people from being perceived as boring. Perhaps a junky-shed, next door to the teetotal shed.
        And, for the discerning connoisseur, custom urine?

  2. somewittyhandle

    One thing puzzles me: why don’t people just carry around a small phial of ‘clean’ urine, in case of the eventuality of a test being requested. Presumably, the officials do not invigilate the actual syphoning of the python. If they give you enough privacy to micturate, there is enough privacy to tip the clean urine into the sample cup.

    I envisage a thriving market in clean urine production. Like Ukranian blondes growing their hair for 2 years and then selling it for hair extensions for rich ladies in Moscow, there could be sheds full of clean-living, teetotaling, Libyan migrants, catheterised to a collection manifold. Canadian maple syrup producers could provide technical guidance on the collection system.

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Haha! But since my goal here was to benefit from the un-adulterated cleanliness of my ‘product’, and to inspire envy from the un-washed whose only strategy includes possibly-fatal ruses, I marched to the gallows with a relish rarely seen in these parts.
      I do love your ‘mass-production’ scenaria. Finally, a job for the masses, should they qualify.
      (I love to joke here in Israel that my problem in securing ‘dancing virgins’ for festive occasions springs not from a diminished supply of dancers…

      1. solberg73 Post author

        (can’t believe I’m analyzing this*) yes, we’re used to housing and supervising critters. And certain parts of the equipment might be easily ‘ re-purposed’ . But it’d be a hard sell to convince a dairy farmer to ignore ethics and facilitate drug use.

    2. happierheathen

      There actually is such a market, of a form less than fully illuminated. “The good news, sir, is that there is no evidence of drug use. The bad news is that you’re pregnant.”

      When I was in the USAF, the process was directly observed from point of release to point of collection, and a thermometer was also used to detect cheating. Just in case one appeared with a convincing enough prosthetic device, I suppose.

        1. happierheathen

          The only thing I had in my favor, beyond the thermometer, was that “marital aids” are more generously proportioned. 😀

  3. slkck

    In this day and age you might have been pregnant. Or at least they might have thought so. Nevermind. Just trying to make a comeback to say, HI!


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