Where’s Solberg? Maps plus scary Zoom-out

 I arrived late for the party.

Slightly embarrassed, I lingered on the front porch a minute preparing my defense/excuse. (For ‘flat tire‘ I usually ‘oil and soot’ my hands a bit on the car’s undercarriage; works every time; plausible veracity.)

Though distracted, I none-the-less clearly heard a group of my acquaintances inside asking each other: ‘Where’s Solberg?’
And as luck (or fiction) would have it, I wuz ready!

“Here”, I declaimed, pulling out Map One.

sollberg composite map

After a quick pass-around, the gang was divided:

“Germany?”, one fellow ventured.
“No, asshole, it’s Austria”, ‘Bucky’ corrected him.

“Zoom out, an’ I’ll tell you if I wuz right..”, was the quiet challenge from ‘Asher, something of a world-traveler by local standards.
Map Two:

europe

 

My next ‘Exhibit’ proved him right. “I knew it was Switzerland!” he almost yelled triumphantly.
A few of the other guests approached, smelling an interesting debate.

“So where the fuck is Switzerland?”, asked ‘Bob’, an American tourist just in from Omaha, dressed so perfectly in ‘period-accurate’ that central-casting couldn’t have out-done his costume.

“It’s, like, ‘over there’, Bucky, feeling somewhat re-invigorated taunted him.

“It’s like ‘not in Kansas'” he added, feeling his oats.

“Omaha’s in Nebraska!”, the tourist retorted, defending his honor.

“Europe, the ‘Eastern Hemisphere” I said calmly, feeling like the ‘student teacher’ who hadn’t been warned that his class was ‘problem-cases’.

I ‘solved’ Bob’s ‘East of what? ‘question with my next Map Three:

from moon

“Nice picture.” Asher asserted, “Who took it?”

“I don’t know, to tell the truth,” I replied, “maybe Buzz Aldrin?”

At that mention, everything changed!
I hadn’t known that this was to be a ‘costume party’!
The guests, those with recognizable arms and legs oozed in my direction, eyes (stalked or otherwise) focused on my sheaf of maps.

solar

 

“Aha, finally, that one looks familiar!” a synthesized voice poured from the chest-mounted implanted speaker of a creature who tested my ‘nerves-of-steel upon meeting aliens. At least he was green. Somehow comforting, in the absence of other re-assuring familiar signs, like, oh, a ‘Lee Cooper’ tee-shirt.

“I watched you-uns guys with my Predecessor, on the beach, back when I was just a Naiad“. He mused out loud. “Never had the ‘constituents’ to afford a better-resolution See-er. The long-delayed thrill here cause me almost to urinate in my suit.” he shared, and I learned on the spot, blindingly, that some emotions are galactic-universal.

OK, I saw the tentacles slithering toward us from the dining room. Unbelievably, I felt no fear. The host, walking right behind ‘him’/ ‘her’/ ‘it‘, in jeans and cut-offs, hand-signaled me that ‘It’s OK’.
Shaking, I managed to pull out the next map:

milky way

“So where’s Solberg?” the creature asked, in a voice which entered my brain clearly, just not precisely through my ears.
“Kinda right ‘here’!” I said, and felt, before I finished the sentence, that the sentient being had already ‘groked’ me.
Why, you-uns guys is right next door” his speech-creator came up with the perfect colloquialism. “Back in Andromeda we’ve been watching you spin for fucking zoubles!” he joked (?).
Seeing me somewhat mystified by the terminology, he tentacled a button on his right ‘shoulder; that’s what they’re called?‘ and explained, suddenly a bit emotion-less:
“A ‘zouble’ is 10 to the 90th power Hydrogen transitions.”
Well, that cleared ‘that’ up!, I thought. Jezuz, I wonder what they call Pi?
Ok, brave as I am, I left before the‘Dust’ on the floor reached my shoes . The host, proud of my sturdy demeanor in the face of truly WTF? exposure, gave me a small salute as he saw me inch carefully, backward, out the door.
Bucky and Asher were almost finished puking on the lawn as I ran to my car.
Ever the masochist, I did have a fleeting chance to ask the host, waving good-bye at the door: ‘What’s with the Dust, bro?”

Looking ‘cosmically sad’ for once, he waved me off: “You don’t wanna know.. “ and added, as I started the Subaru: ‘It’s not on your maps!”
So there, (whew!).
Any Reader who wanted to know ‘Where’s Solberg?’ Hope this answers your question.

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5 thoughts on “Where’s Solberg? Maps plus scary Zoom-out

  1. eleanorio

    I am reminded of the first Men In Black movie, where “the galaxy [was] on Orion’s belt,” Orion being the alien’s cat, and the belt being its collar.

    Reply
  2. somewittyhandle

    It stands to reason that milky whey would be a by-product of Emmental.

    I must point out that some of us Europeans (Brits, Frenchies, Spaniards, Irish, Portuguese) are in the Western Hemisphere, for now.

    Zooming out a stage further to the Universe {U}, we find that the meridian runs right through today.

    Reply
    1. solberg73 Post author

      As usual, your comments hit me with a delayed ‘aha’ moment. Unless I err, Greenwich residents are presumed to have also placed themselves at the geographic center of an isotropic and ‘Infinite in all directions’ Universe. Newton might delight in, finally, an ‘absolute-rest’ point; Dyson, along with anyone post 1905 should wince.
      Ha, I stopped before the ‘final’ zoom-out, for lack of a photographic vantage point from which to capture ‘everything.

      Reply

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