Help! Mexican Rapist Cats are eating all my sweet corn!

Not all of my problems have solutions,  and I knew I was out of luck when the only search-results on Google for “prevent cats from eating my corn” were cute-kitty YouTube videos, or articles addressing whether gobbling my carefully-planted livelihood, already barely worth the investment, might harm their precious health.

Yup, the next cat I catch going down a row and taking a destructive bite out of every other ear… she’ll have some ‘health problems’, trust me!

Trying not to blame Trump for this, although I spent 66 happy years never seeing either his ugly face or a cat eating sweet corn. It’s become a huuuge problem since the ill-fated election of 2016.
‘I’ll build a great, great fence around our nation’s corn-fields, attach solar panels… and ‘the cats will pay for it!’,  I caught myself thinking.

Just like the folly of spending 25 billion dollars to ‘prevent’ a couple dozen documented cases of injury caused by illegal aliens, (it’s statistically more likely that your dish-washer’s door will malfunction, open prematurely, and suck you into a fatal spin-cycle!) , I’d be smarter to build a temporary ‘detention-center’ for the perverted cats who’ve developed a taste for Johnny’s homegrown organic corn.
My hope, at first, was to overwhelm them with ‘human-wave, massively-parallel’ tactics. I planted at least 2000 corn-babies. And I still hold onto a dream that that the later-planted ‘Great Yellow Hope‘ Upper field will remain, as at present, ‘Terra Incognita’ to the furry plague until I can harvest and sell its crop.
But, like Trump, I’m also feeling that even a chance victory up there, and one not based on ‘alpha-human’ domination, will be essentially ‘un-twat-worthy’. No, I need proof, for my voters, that I grabbed the felines by the pussy, bent them to my will, and made my garden ‘great again’.

I shall treat this post as a ‘real-time’ report on the fuzzy cat-immigration issue: Readers deserve no less; photos of the horror might be convincing. And having dealt with way-ward cattle for decades with electric fences, the solar-panel route may actually have some virtue.
Meanwhile no one on the forums dares to take my side in the battle. ‘Animal rights’ apparently include ‘innate and un-fettered access to the fruits of the Earth’.
Yes… when seeds, water, fertilizer, and labor are free… More later/JS


12 thoughts on “Help! Mexican Rapist Cats are eating all my sweet corn!

  1. eleanorio

    They say the Best things in life are free, but you can give them to the Birds and the Bees; Corn goes to Cats.

    1. solberg73 Post author

      One by one:
      the bees are welcome guests; every morning beginning at 5:30 there are mighty clouds of honeybees on the tassels. Even helps with pollination.
      I’ve watched only two bird species expressing interest; a ‘junior crow’ we call ‘orvanit’ and my ‘Kingfishers’; brilliant blue and red with Jimmy Durante beaks.
      As to cats, the one I’ve seen in flagrant delicto is a two-yr old black-and -white male. But he’s sweet, otherwise; cuddles with the kittens when their mammas need a break.
      So ‘Give me money’ might be less important than preserving my garden of earthly delights. (Have to search Bosch for cats eating crops…)

  2. somewittyhandle

    I advocate the use of rushin’ dogs. I haven’t seen a cat in my garden for quite some time.

    History will judge you, though, for your protective approach to the corn. They won’t care what you do to the cats, of course. But there will be much contoversy over the angle you hold your elbow at when you shake hands with the dog owner.

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Researching breeds: and now considering the ‘Potemkin blue’. Quite lifelike, they come with handy drive-’em-in stakes. Been known to fool both love-struck queens.. and low-info sons of charlatan presidents. And with only email to Amazon, the NYT will have no basis to critique my posture.
      Yes, Duncan: ‘scarecrows, scare-de-cats’… Why didn’t I think of that?

      1. somewittyhandle

        NYT will lose no time in reporting the lovestruck queen’s accidental death while copulating with a giant plastic hound, or your tweet that she was bleeding from a facelift.

        1. solberg73 Post author

          In truth I’m actually quite partial to the 5th estate, esp now that we need them to explain truth from lies. To whom else would I send my surreptitious photos of feasting cats,if/when the municipal government here calls my claims ‘ a tendentious smear campaign’
          (Had to de-fuzz’ my memory of a royal historical coitus which went wrong. Not Catherine, according to WIKI. Perhaps you were there?

            1. solberg73 Post author

              I’m lately quite empathetic vis Cathy: the ‘Dolphin-gate’ affair so much in the news, where I’m (erroneously!) accused of intimate underwater carnal knowledge of a sea creature. My defense that “she started it.” and the documented proof of her overwhelming size and agility advantage seems to fall on deaf sonar ears in the media, always keen to run a ‘Man bites Fish’ expose.
              Seriously, we await a post from your kitchen or from assorted yet-un-visited historical spots.
              Perhaps “Celtic dish-washing invention, un-earthed just this week, revises our picture of the mysterious clan!” or “Stonehenge megaliths erected to support prehistoric wash-lines!”

    1. solberg73 Post author

      In principle an excellent ‘green’ solution… were it not for the sheer size of the ‘protected zone’, and worse, the ‘false positives’ so endemic to equipment here. (We live with a constant background drone of failed burglar alarms.)
      I may just sleep up there on a cot, plenty of coffee, sticks to throw… and maybe disgusting tunes on a battery-powered sound system. Will be an instructive process: what music repels both cats and mosquitoes? Justin Bieber?


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