Quantum Lettuce: (or ‘Help, I’m being gas-lighted by Salad-loving Aliens!’ (updated)

In 65 years of active plant-raising I’ve never seen anything like this morning’s Great Disappearance.
Fact: Exactly ten days ago I lovingly transplanted 17 lettuce seedlings, then about 5 ” tall, raised from seed, into a row. 30 centimeter spacing, drip-irrigation, compost pre mixed into the bed.
They were doing fine last evening at 6:13 PM.
And this morning ten of them. every plant starting from the left end of the row, WERE GONE!
Now, with 29 kinds of birds, snakes, mon-geese, foxes, weasels, and jackals, I know what you’re thinking. “Weasels ripped yer flesh!’ so to speak. And to tell the truth, I’d be happy for that prosaic explanation. I have a hundred more lettuces waiting as replacements, and shit happens.
Yet this is not Ordinary Shit’.
Listen, when a plant is eaten by someone/something there are traces. They are either eaten in place, leaving chewed remnants, or pulled out of the soil (crows, parrots)
But that is not what happened to my lettuces.

Examining with my best reading-glasses, and as carefully as one un-rolls a goddamned  Dead Sea Scroll, I clearly see… um.. nothing. No trace that a plant was ever there!!   No disturbed ‘hole’ in the ground. no cut-off stem, and not even any surviving roots in the potting-soil 2″ cube they came with.
Now Quantum Mechanics proves that nothing is Impossible, just that ‘evaporation’ of a macroscopic entity is absurdly Improbable. Even a flea, or a single-celled microbe will not disappear even once in the expected lifetime of the Galaxy. You can look it up.
And  an even stranger point, which just now occurred to me:
In principle, dis-allowed disappearance, such as happened to me this morning, is no less improbable than its inverse: Disallowed Appearance. (Cue eerie violins and Rod Serling from behind the pomegranate bushes.)
As such, I should be no less shocked to see lettuce where yesterday there was none, than to awaken to find ten healthy innocent plants whose wave-functions suddenly collapsed and slouched toward Andromeda overnight.
Yes, I wish I had pictures to show. I do have witnesses, as if that helps me in Court.
And anyway, documenting ‘Nothing’ reminds me of the famous oil-painting titled ‘Cow eating grass’ A blank canvass; the viewer asks ‘Where’s the grass? A: ‘The cow ate it. Then: ‘So where’s the cow? A: Why should she hang around after the grass was all gone?’
Meanwhile, I’ve been in actual shock since this happened. Kinda destroyed my faith in humanity. Lettuce. Whatever. Not believing in anything anymore, I guess I’m off to law school. If the building is still there at the listed address when I get off the bus.
Oh, I forgot the ‘gaslighted by Aliens’ part:
If you haven’t encountered this currently en-vogue new verb, apt in the fake age of Drumpf, I’ll just advise checking WIKI. From a film many years ago. I will add that ‘Whom the aliens seek to destroy, first they drive crazy’.
And somehow the Andromedaries behind this caper will feel more cosmically ethical if they can convince me that, no, I never really planted that lettuce; that it was only a dream. Aha, they forgot my high-functioning habit of writing everything down; dates, amounts, etc.
And all I can do is vow never to do anything like this dirty trick to any exo-race, even from the Crab Nebula.
That’s about it. Suggestions?

Ok, 5 of the 10 replacements I transplanted yesterday at 3PM were crudely eaten or carried away sometime between 11PM and 6AM this morning. The enemy sent their sad-sack ”D’ league new-hires this time, it appears. No attempt to cover tracks. Broke every rule in my Mossad Training Manual.
I’m fabricating a quick screen over their little lettuce heads. The mesh is 3 cm. X 6 cm. So if it’s birds what done this, I’ll be gunning for ‘small-bodied’ f*ckers. Wrens, sparrows, and our endemic iridescent-blue humming-bird species. Thinking I heard it takes ‘4 and 20’ to bake into a pie. Assuming blackbirds. Bon apetit.
Hey, I’ll go down to 40 micron mesh if that’s what it takes. For the An-dromedaries, you know… More news as it happens


17 thoughts on “Quantum Lettuce: (or ‘Help, I’m being gas-lighted by Salad-loving Aliens!’ (updated)

  1. somewittyhandle

    In such times [by which I mean when you cannot reasonably escape the conclusion that somebody has done something despicable], I usually find it possible to take comfort in one thing: knowing whom to blame. This is especially rewarding if it’s somebody (or a group) to whom you already bear some animosity. Said animosity can be bolstered, vindicated, and augmented. What could be better? Unfortunately, I’m stumped here.

    BTW, you may notice that I have had to make my blog ‘private’. Long story. However, it is my hope that visitors such as yourself will find their way through whatever it is that WordPress demands to be done to be granted access. I’m still trying to figure out what that is.

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Yes, ‘stumped’ is apt, but without even a stump to stand on. The only humans here with whom I’ve so far discussed the event seem to refuse to grasp the unique and exotic reality and gravity of this insult to my trust in physics. Once one accepts ‘deviations’ of this import, all bets are off on planning one’s life.
      And I do entertain a circa: 20% possibility that someone is toying with me… for unknown benefit. Having no natural enemies here, well, now everyone is a suspect!
      As to your site, fearing only fear itself; I shall fight WP an’ their bitches,in their errors, and on any grounds, till Justice rains down like… um… rain? (Where’s Winston when we so need him, up on a hill relaxing in a church…

    2. eleanorio

      When I clicked on your site, I was told it was private and there was a button to click to request an “invite”, which I duly clicked. You should be notified of my request and either approve or nix it, depending on your horoscope and how many angels can dance on the head of a pin that day; and that, apparently, is how it’s done.

      1. solberg73 Post author

        Re: Private first-class Bain…
        El, I also did my request for an inquest. No word. It’s possible he miss-clobbered himself into permanent oblivion(!) He’ll be missed. We’ll be pissed. “Not on the list”

          1. solberg73 Post author

            Well, a grumpy ‘Mazal Tov. I’m reduced to peering through a keyhole, on my knees. (Dylan)
            And at some point I will retract my request, sour-graping/griping that “Hey, I never liked you anyway.”
            (Totally in jest, of course: my only real point is that social media creates frictions which were never even there; one can’t compliment ‘A’ without slighting ‘B’.
            Oh, and I’m curious what might have led to the lock-down? Bet you are too…

                1. solberg73 Post author

                  As far as I know, I’ve been granted access to the inner sanctum. That is, I can view posts, etc. My only question would be whether my rank as a ‘Senior Font of Wisdom’ has been preserved in the site’s ‘classified’ artificial-intelligence virtual Pantheon. If not; not the end of the world; I have plenty of quips and pearls in storage.
                  Looking forward to your next posts.

  2. eleanorio

    To recap: Man plants 17 lettuces in a row; wakes up next morning, the ten leftmost are gone without a trace. There is only one solution. During the night, our reality intersected with a neighbouring reality and those 10 lettuces accidentally switched places with a garden that had not yet been planted. Somewhere in an adjacent universe your Doppelgänger is scratching his head and saying, “Where in tarnation did these lettuces come from? I was going to plant carrots here!”

    1. solberg73 Post author

      At this point, dear El, your hypothesis is no less probable than anything else I can come up with. I did not for naught admit to never seeing something like this in 65 years. It’s as close to watching a rabbit disappear into thin air as I can handle, emotionally.
      Meanwhile, I today re-planted the ‘lost soldiers’. Perhaps tomorrow my doppel will need to plow additional acreage. Comforting, knowing that both he/she and I are questioning our sanity…

  3. promisesunshine

    I like the glass half full logic above that you have 7 perfectly viable lettuces remaining in the place where you wished them to be. I wonder had you planted 20, would the aliens have taken all.

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Yes, there is a small element of number-theory in this: If the aliens hate prime numbers (17) well, they blew it leaving me with 7, also prime.
      A good secondary question: what beast would methodically start on the left and obliterate one-by-one.? Am I now reduced to Googling ‘Right-handed Methodical OCD Herbivores’?
      {“no search-results matched your request}

  4. Roadkill Spatula

    I once visited a friend whose street is a loop off of another street. I pulled up to a house that was second from the corner, a Cadillac and a Ford parked in front… Everything was the same, but nothing was quite right: wrong model Caddy, front door had a different type of window… I heard the theme from Twilight Zone as I pondered whether to ring the doorbell. Then I realized that I had entered the loop from the wrong end.

    Perhaps your house and lettuces are on the next block?

    1. solberg73 Post author

      OMG, I so much miss your wisdom on this lonely excuse for a Xanga.
      And on substance, Tim, don’t think that I didn’t scan the horizon for familiar re-assuring signs that I was indeed at the GPS I call home.
      I recall a similar episode which tested my grip on reality: Finishing a club-date in York PA, years ago, I trudged out to the parking lot only to find a fellow inside my green VW bug who was busy with some ‘self-love’ endeavour. Requested modestly that he wrap it up and get the f*ck out of my car, He insisted that ‘Yo, man, this is *my* car !’. And the ensuing ten seconds, when I needed to actually check that my work-clothes and tools were in fact in the back seat where I’d left them, that moment of self-doubt, sears my memory ever since.
      Just as you perhaps now no longer automatically trust a Ford to be a Ford;a Caddy, a Caddy.
      Thanks for your psycho-info on this soggy lettuce-saga. I am sincerely stymied by this ‘anti-miracle’. ‘Wine into Water’, so to speak. But mebbe enough to be proclaimed the Messiah, at least of my cul-de-sac.

      1. Roadkill Spatula

        I made a trip with Alicia in a borrowed car last summer to Miami. We emerged from a store, I clicked Unlock on the key, and we opened the doors of the white Kia sedan parked out front. Alicia said, “My bag is gone!” Meanwhile I was wondering who pulled my seat way forward. I checked the back seat for her bag… and suddenly realized it was the wrong car! Apparently they left it unlocked. Ours was a row over.

  5. dimebone

    Really? You need me to spell it out for you. Remember that, in the end of May, Trump was visiting Bebe, and Steve Bannon was abruptly shunted onto a return flight to America. We don’t know why … we don’t NEED to know. It is enough to note that he left carrying a dirty bag of gardening tools. And Ivanka? No complicity. Her jewel box remained un-smudged.


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