“You-unz want fries with that?”: My Wet Dream

Hearing this question will answer any doubt: ‘Yer in rural PA again, big guy!’
 I‘m giddy about even that possibility, having yesterday received word of a possible windfall cash input to my sad Bank bottom-line.
In a celebratory mood, I ran out, rashly, to our local MacD outlet, five miles up Highway 4, in a town (Pardessiyya) best known for the mental-health institutions it hosts. But all I wanted was a hamburger…

Oh, and a chance to chat with a sweet frizzy-haired girl, coulda been my daughter (grand-daughter?). Bless her heart, she did actually ask me what size fries (here: ‘chips’) I ‘desired’. A perfect opening for a discussion of product-naming in today’s fast-food racket.
I told her elegantly that I was interested in ‘a purchase of the largest portion-size legally obtainable.’
And contrary to my whimsical fantasies, this menu item is currently called merely ‘Giant’. Somehow I’d anticipated ‘Unbelievable!’ or, in our Israeli slang-de-jure ‘Haval al Ha’zman!’ (‘A waste of time to even try to describe!!’)

Looking back from a now-3-day vantage point: It  t’wuz da right thing to do! Heart-burn all night, but then, I can suffer from that for a simple candy-bar.
Someone advised me to cut back on the beer? He might have a point. But then what would I drink? Old habits die hard, and Alcohol, as someone wisely observed millenia ago, is ‘Both the Cause.. and the Solution.. to many of Life’s problems.’
Of course now, with bucks in da bank, I have no problems. (?) Pay all yer bills, rejoin the human rat-race, and order a ‘Goddamn WTF?’ size burger, with fries to match, whenever you half-feel like it. The meaning of Life, if I ignore, for a few idle seconds, Art, Culture, and my status as a Guru.
Oh, and ‘this just in!’   I WIKI: “What the hell is this here ‘snowflake’ that everyone is talking about lately?‘ Just when I learned where ‘under the bus’ is…
It never stops!

Advertisements

8 thoughts on ““You-unz want fries with that?”: My Wet Dream

  1. eleanorio

    Never heard of it. Must be related to that “rosebud” that got all those citizen-watchers riled up a few years back. Maybe it’s a pony? Nah. Couldn’t be.

    Reply
    1. solberg73 Post author

      Mystery solved: it’s an emblem stamped on the back of chairs in university lecture halls. Some designer thought it’d cheer up the kids, who these days as you know have to combat problems which make the preceding millennia look like a waltz in a park, ‘First WW2 and now I lost my earbuds!’
      By the way, teach me not to finish a post with an ‘aside’; it sweeps aside the body of the post and discussion of its deep points. Yup, kicks it under the bus, it does.

      Reply
  2. promisesunshine

    I have enjoyed some MacD and alcohol this week to solve life’s problems. Wasn’t as exciting to me as you.
    Compound words. That’s a curious connection.
    Somebody could write something clever about that.

    Reply
    1. solberg73 Post author

      Don’t blame you one bit, Dear. Bon apetiit!
      I had two competing hopes, just to spread out my bets: One, that it’ll be less horrid than feared, and the second, that yes, It ‘Will Happen Here’, faster, obscene-er than even the pessimists wagered. Lost the first bet, but the second, with ‘duh, we gotta *do* something’ indications growing worse daily in the reports.. I won big-time. Hope the electorate is fully-conscious by now after one week of this sh*t.

      Reply
  3. melfamy

    I was called ‘snowflake’ the other day by my cousin, who actually was acting like a snowflake (urban dictionary definition.- a person who is easily offended).
    Another cousin has removed me from her life, because I told her that she was talking about Muslims the way people used to talk about our Italian grandparents.
    The nation is developing similar rents in the social and civil fabric. My anxiety about the future grows with each executive order.

    Reply
    1. solberg73 Post author

      Any hopes that ‘executive order’ would be for take-out Taco-bowls are now stomped underfoot. Plenty of broken glass and Kristall already litter the china shop floor.
      This week’s Torah portion has G-d ‘engineering’ the situation in Egypt during the first seven Plagues. His ‘moves in mysterious ways’ tactics carefully calculated to reveal, to any hebies who had doubts, who in fact the Pharoah really is. Next week ‘pyramid-guy’ willl be finally ‘impeached’, after his first-born spawn kinda ‘gets dead’. Perhaps torn to shreds and eaten, gun and all, by some African ‘endangered species’ who declined the photo-op with yet another sick little ‘son-of-drump’.

      Reply
  4. somewittyhandle

    My only problem with Hamburgers is the lederhosen. Oh, and the grossly inequitable distribution of social mobility bitcoins between the tuba and the clarinet. 2 pa for every oom?

    The frizzy-haired one is quite right: they are chips, not fries (unless they are selling small fish in McD?)

    I’m thrilled that McDonalds has been such a success that they made Ronald president.

    Reply
  5. solberg73 Post author

    I often wonder what it’s like to be you. Proud as I am of my budding/waning quip-ness, I crane my neck to gaze upward to the truly stratospheric.
    Hard to forget Reagen’s gaffe in Berlin when, envious of previous mens’ ‘profiles in courage’ he innocently read off the teleprompter: ‘Ich bin eine Dumbkopf!’. Not content to lick wounds, he reprised it a few months later in China declaring: ‘Tear down this Wall!’ His next target was Hadrian’s, but in those days medical professionals could intervene without fear of being stripped of their credentials.
    (All this from ‘Ich bin ein Hamburger’ , the sorry price of genericising a town name as a fast-food item. )
    Next election may very well inaugurate a cartoon character, if the Tragedy.-to-Farce- to- Outright Absurdity formula proves accurate. Ronald MacDonald, by simply falling on the futbol for four years while the civil-servant experts fine-tune the progress made by Obama, would have been a vastly better choice than this know-nuttin orange comb-over berserker.
    And I, who kinda enjoy complaining, would in fact have been much happier writing ‘great, great, believe me,’ paeans to a President worth respecting.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s