“…SPACE-CADET ARTI, BRAG-NIK CALEDONIA SNOB; U TERRA-COTTA FOOT TOO FAT TO CARRET; U BONSAI NODE, LACKING ARBITRATED ACE-CAPS!..”
Seeing him so roundly excoriated yesterday by a PAL-drunk jealous(?) co-worker, my heart went out to him bigly.
A hard-working, hard-drinking immigrant to Israel’s challenging shoals, shores, and shires, he shares enough attributes with my own cultivated battle-armour to endear the guy to me, regardless of the listed faults here.
In his defense:
1) ‘Space-cadet’? That’s now an insult? I thought ‘breaking the bonds of dismal Earth-bound Gravity’ wuz the ‘next frontier’?
‘Hezi’, (his short-horizon-ed detractor quoted above) is welcome to perish here, dreamless, like just another picnic-blanket ant shaken off into the creek so that we vision-thing folks can be about diving into the burgers and potato salad of the Future. Ah, metaphors! Mmmm.
2) ‘Brag-nik Caledonia snob’: So what? Arti’s not allowed to be justifiable proud of his own ‘Old Country’? An Emerald Paradise, font and womb of the enlightened folks from the Islands, whose ‘we view favorably’ Papers and Declarations got us a country at all in ’48? I vote ‘Yea’, Arti’s just as entitled as the Yemenites, with their memories of seven-story mud-brick high-rises in parched Sa’ana. Poets? ‘Who’s the Yemeni Robby Burns?’, I ask, not expecting an answer.
3) ‘Feet of clay’? Hezi just can’t seem to ‘let it go’; that in-hebriated night when he tripped over Arti’s clay elephant-foot lawn-ornament, in the dark, searching for his car keys (or the Meaning of Life?).
4) ‘Bonsai node’? Arti is not the ‘tallest human who ever lived’, I’ll admit. But then, Hezi, at 5 foot 7 1/2 soaking wet is, by the same standard, ‘no Kareem Abdul Jabar’. Have we descended to this?
And 5) ‘Arbitrated Ace-caps’? Yeah, I’ve still never yet seen Arti without his emblematic backward ‘Ace’ baseball cap. It’s ‘him‘.
A few years ago, the Israeli Merchants Assoc tried to strong-arm legislation requiring an official ‘Seal of Approval‘ on what? No,not on the flooded market here of sub-standard knock-off drech in general; no, in the end they netted only a leaky ban on ‘Hats bearing the letters ‘A’, ‘C’, and ‘E’. (!) Arti’s ‘crime’ was to kinda ignore it. As did Hezi, who shows up at the job-site daily wearing his ‘Fall Collection’ of far-east word-salad sweat-shirts, all ‘verboten’ by the letter of the law.
To conclude: Grudging points to Hezi for at least formulating his insult as a bi-directional triumph. But on substance: “I’m wid Arti; get a life, Hez!”