Snakes on the Plain!

 Forget the movie; these guys are real, and in real danger.
Anacondas; how’d they get to Saskatchewan? Truth is, no one knows yet. You’ve all heard of the ridiculous tee-shirt weather in the Arctic this fall, of changing sea-currents. Important to note that ‘Climate change’ is a better word for the impending doom Drumpf is pledging to do his best to exacerbate than ‘Global Warming’. Calling it ‘warming just gives the deniers, who in any case will never understand atmospheric heat-balance, an excuse to bring the odd snowball into a government venue, as if to prove something. No, the effect of more solar radiation is more complex; a ‘pumping’, a creation of extremes. We could just as well have outlier penguins in Bato Rouge.
 But at least they don’t choke their prey to excruciating death and swallow ’em whole. (while the victims try to get their phones out of a pants-pocket already below the ‘teeth-line’.
Sorry for the hectic pace of these posts; the news stories wait for no man.
And a long story it is.
Saskatchewan’s Lieutenant Governor, ‘Solomon Schofield’ (is that any name for a woman?) sent a small team of researchers to investigate almost immediately upon hearing the first reports: “They’re huuuge, there’s a lot of ’em, you gotta do something!

The remote site, on the line between the Province’s prarrie-ed southern area and the beginning of the mostly wooded north made the trip ‘challenging’ but not impossible.
How things change these days: from shorts to down jackets in a matter of a week. An early winter snowfall has already made the access roads impassable.
Ted Schneer, the locally-legendary ‘cowboy’ on the science team was blunt:
“Look, we got a mess of ‘invasive’ reptiles. Can’t say how many. Hey, you try to count heads. Or tails. But someone’s got to get ’em out of there…and alive. I mean, you thought the tree-huggers were pissed about a fucking sparrow? Wait till we ‘exterminate’ a bunch of critters who, for all they know, have educational goals, career plans, and would listen to opera on the goddamn CBC if they had radios!”
Ted went on to lay out the only feasible plan; a long (5 meter) and wide dog-sled, a team of 1 anesthesiologist and 2 ‘heavy-lift’ capable (but humane) battle-hardened herpetologists. Of course he, still brave at 57, offered to be in charge.
Only problem was that the sled in question was currently in Vermont, on display outside an ‘ain’t we great?’ museum.

Solomon, bless her naivete, got on the line to her ‘equal’, Vermont’s supposedly progressive governor , Peter Shumlin. The conversation apparently did not go well. ‘Pete’, just re-married… to his girlfriend at age 60, probably (just my guess) felt a ‘second-youth’ bravado. But his side of the conversation, recorded by a Solomon aide, is bizarre by any measure:
After asking, and remaining unconvinced, about the ‘real’ gender of a head of state of a Canadian province ten times the size of little Vermont, he continued to challenge her: ‘So, did your voice change after the operation?’ and ‘Acne; I hear you people get it, y’know, from the hormones.’
Ms Solomon did her level best to suffer fools, and ended the freak-show by simply repeating her request… to borrow a fucking sled.
And so Canada, and the ill-fated anacondas waited. But not for long. Like the pathetic Trump, Vermont’s governor twitted (4AM EST): ‘Need too (sic) things for the sled; proof of clear complexion an’ sing a song on TV’ ...:/“the real Pete”
Ok, don’t happen every day, when we have to choose between saving a bunch of loose lost snakes… or appeasing a crude misogynist.
VT; ‘EVIL’? NO SLED! OY, ONE ZIT? I CALL IT SAD; NO CANADIAN ACE CAN AID ANACONDAS TILL A ‘CITIZEN ‘O’ YODELS ON LIVE TV?

Important Note: in reality, Vermont’s governor is an almost story-book progressive human being. Broke my heart that I needed to skew his persona just to match ‘VT’ with ‘TV’ in the dumb palindrome. Fake news. And my sincere apologies!

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6 thoughts on “Snakes on the Plain!

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Thanks, El. makes it worth-while to do the research! (2 1/2 hours). My goal is to give Canadians what to do inside, while their biosphere heads toward 0. Kelvin,

      Reply
  1. melfamy

    You didn’t go around the block for that one, you took the crosstown bus and rode the rails back Aside from my palpable disappointment that Saskatchewan was not part of the palindromic statement, I applaud your fine work here. Yas, I say!

    Reply
    1. solberg73 Post author

      So happy to see you here; I see you clicked on yer cross-town rival for literary output, and as we say in Hebe: ‘wulda been better an hour ago..’ (Not nearly, in the argot, as judgmental as it sounds) Of course in a language with 7 of its 22 letters (incl dupes( representing throat-clearing noises on a muggy day, what would you expect?
      Speaking of ‘Great Expectations, how the Dickens can even a seasoned pro like me make reverse-sense of a ‘drunken Indiun’ werd like ‘Saskatchewan’ backward?
      Hope to see you here often, bro-in-arms. Both of us kinda retired, I miss the pelicans as dearly as you may miss my talking about anything besides the goddamn Drumpf catastrophe, using reversed letter-progress as a metaphor for the ‘dead years’ we shall need to stay alive through till, God willing, we re-emerge into the enlightened 21st century we’d grown to love.

      Reply
      1. melfamy

        The slow-moving train wreck that is our apparent future fascinates me and dominates my literary output these days.
        Miss you more than you know, bro! Hope to face-to-face one day, before it becomes a ‘he looks so natural’ occasion.

        Reply
  2. solberg73 Post author

    Hah warms my heart to hear it. In truth, some mornings I glance in the mirror (bad move) and call myself ‘coffin-ready’. Need to just cover the damn truth-reflecting surface with a picture of Johnny the superstar, noble savage, exploding with (wtf the French call it?) : joie de vivre?
    Good question, what sort of comment do we expect on a joke… or a palindrome? I try to always arm-wrestle a deeper point, for folks tired of saying: ‘Well, ain’t you clever!’
    Hey, when will we see Delano’s ‘A minor’ (?) tale at Barnes&Noble.? That knuckle-biter serial was ‘above an’ beyond’ for proving your lit-cred. reminds me to check out self-publishers for my own 1000+ stories. I’ll need at least one copy, to toss into the grave.

    Reply

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