Pity the Jews: ‘You call yourselves a Religion?!

I’m feeling this morning a kind of theological ‘Penis envy’. I mean, the Muslims have ISIS, the Moors and associated sword-play, millions of mutilated women hiding inside black Casper-the-Ghost suits, ‘honor-killings.

And the Christians, in no particular order, the Inquisition, Dark Ages, the Crusades, the Third Reich, and hordes of American self-satisfied know-nothings legislating their various creeds upon anyone and everyone, after decimating the native heathen ‘Indians’.
And what do we got? Hadassah women’s bake sales in Brooklyn to fund a new out-patient wing at Mt. Sinai Hospital? Earthquake first-response Israeli teams that go in, quietly save lives, but return without converting a single heathen?
Even our holidays are kinda impotent on the world-conquest’ spectrum. Rosh Ha-Shanah (last week) is simply recognizing the Sept/Oct New Moon, plus eating (takes forever, lemme tell ya) a list of foods with ‘play-on-words’ names in Hebrew. Yom Kippur is even worse. Sit wordless all day, make sure not to wear leather shoes since it’s not considered good taste to tell a cow “Eat up, darling, we need your skin for footwear when you croak.” And other mild prohibitions of the same ilk.
So, seriously, try to think of a single holy war/ slaughter the infidels/ forced conversion we Jews could be ‘proud of’. Three thousand years without an internet be-heading, a ‘gentile’ tortured into accepting Moses as his Lord and Savior, or a young woman in Indiana forced to bear a rapist’s evil offspring. And we have the gaul to call this a ‘religion’?! In fact, a rabbi worth his kosher salt is instructed to actually turn away three(3) times anyone requesting to join us. Makes sense, I guess; anybody dumb enough to link his fate with a people so devoid of ‘heroic’ escapades is probably ‘verflucht’, a mishigoner. (Crazy)
So anyway, I’m proposing to start small; to invade, say Togo in West Africa, burn down the chrches and mosques, do a grand-scale fore-skin-removal operation, install a puppet government with plenty of Uzis and M-16s, and say to the other religions; ‘Yo, has-beens, we be on the map now!!
Until that glorious day, I’m your loyal mild-mannered, golden-ruled, meek minority-religion contact here in the ‘troubled Middle East./ JS


6 thoughts on “Pity the Jews: ‘You call yourselves a Religion?!

    1. solberg73 Post author

      Hi kid: I’m as customary wondering what your comment ‘means; Feel free to elaborate.
      I’m not 100% proud of this post; clicked ‘Publish’ without my mandatory waiting period. Its simplistic non-mention of the very real benefits to humanity from both of the ‘serious’ religions discussed, along with nothing said about our own sad failure to engineer ‘sing Kum Ba Ya’ moments with our own Indians, sworn to slaughter us, albeit, but still technically and ethically ‘human’…
      Anyway, ‘right-wing?’ Guess that makes us ‘flightless avians’, ha

      1. promisesunshine

        I might have said the wrong thing. I meant conservative. Our way or the highway. If you don’t agree with us, you’re persecuting us. That sort of thing.
        i was good with your non waiting period post. It got me thinking for a good minute or two. The moment has passed, of course. It’s a new day.

  1. somewittyhandle

    I do occasionally wonder if there is enough wackadoody doolally looniness in Judaism for it to qualify as a proper religion. I’m pretty sure Tel Aviv University would conduct a mass spectrometry analysis of the Kool-Aid before drinking any.

  2. eleanorio

    The Holy Bible, from whence cometh our faith, is rife with bloodshed and forced conversions. Remember the story of Dinah? That didn’t end well for anyone.

  3. whyzat

    Hmm, I guess your version of the Old Testament leaves out the genocide perpetrated by the Hebrews as they cleared their promised land of its previous inhabitants. No religion has clean hands.


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