Help! Busty & Dusty’s band: “B ‘n D” is in a BIND!

Yes, I still get calls for help…in my vowel-bizness. Just last week a fellow wanted to re-spell the name of that un-funny clown, Donald ‘Tweezer-hands’ Tr*mpf. I told him not to over-worry; the ‘great-great’ orange scourge is doing just fine, unassisted, shooting himself in the feet, one after the other, like a self-harming centipede.

But today’s crisis is also perhaps beyond simple vowel-replacement.

Background: That Duo you lately can’t stop hearing on the radio; (and also can’t turn it off quickly enough; where’s an old-fashioned counter-clockwise knob when you most need it?)   they fancy themselves today’s Sonny and Cher. To the point that their first hit, ‘I got a ‘U’ Babe’ was so close to the  original that their publisher must be either sound-asleep or deaf or both not to sue their producer,’Interconsonantal Ltd

s-and-c

“An’ if we call ourselves ‘Sunny and Share’ , that’d be ‘fair use,’ right?”

Meanwhile Busty and Dusty are stuck in their gaily re-painted school-bus ‘FARTHER” pushed into the slot on the front for ‘Destination’. They were BOUND for South BEND when, slowing down at a possibly ‘engineered’ traffic jam, the bus was ‘BEANED’ by at least a hundred distinctly non-fans. With the windshield hopelessly spattered by gooey ‘missiles’, they had no recourse other than to kinda hide inside. (As opposed to the definition ‘hide: a cow’s outside’ which often provokes the response: “So, who’s afraid of a cow?”)
This is, of course, not the pair’s first brush with danger. Less than a month ago at a slaughterhouse across the street from their venue, both Busty, who somehow fell onto a moving belt, and Dusty, who, trying valiantly to save her, underestimated the ‘slipperiness’ of the excrement-coated mechanism, was himself drawn closer and closer to the knives. Yes, were almost DE-BONED. Grabbed at the last second by three fans, they had to, hard to believe, ‘negotiate’ their survival, being pulled to safety only after promising one hundred tickets-for-two to an up-coming concert. (A bargain they then un-wisely ‘forgot’ to up-hold, which, in today’s social-media echo-chamber was likely the impetus for their S. Bend ambush.)

Up-date: The duo was this morning reluctantly allowed to leave the scene, but only after signing a ‘surety BOND’ promising not to enter the city limits for 6 months. A pitiful sight: an imposing but clue-less police officer, big-BONED and every bit a ringer for a German Bund fanatic, serving a warrant for what? For ‘disturbing a Face-Book mob’? As if it’s not enough disgrace for the singers that their CDs are so quickly ‘cut-out BINNED’, sitting there collecting dust at Kresge’s?

Ok, with a tale like this already a fait-accompli, what hath I to offer?

Piece of cake, lemme tell ya. Um… drop the ‘n’. With B and D as stable book-holders the options are mostly all optimistic:
BADE, BAD, BEAD, BED, BIDE, BID, BODE, ‘BOD’, BOOED, BUD, BOUYED, BOWED, and BAUD. And that’s just with-in the first ‘hundred bucks a day plus expenses’ proposal I gave ’em.
I’ll most likely get the job; not a lot of competition in this racket, an’ they need me like a guy trapped under a car begging for a hammer and being handed a hamster. Nice work if you can get it.

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4 thoughts on “Help! Busty & Dusty’s band: “B ‘n D” is in a BIND!

    1. solberg73 Post author

      It’s SAD; an hourglass with no SAND and something AILS my NAILS; (my favorite BRAND is now a BRAD.)
      And yes, as you noted ‘we have no BANANAS’. Oy, a brave ‘ew!’ world.

      Reply
  1. Roadkill Spatula

    beaned binned bend baned (accepted yesterday by Words with Friends, no idea what it means), banned bunned? boned bond booned? And the diphthongs: bind bound…
    I see why you had to resort to German to get a back vowel in the list.
    The hide joke is brilliant.
    Some linguists would consider bird and bulled to fit in your list. Bird has a syllabic /r/ that functions as a vowel here. Bulled has a syllabic /l/. But the case is a bit weak because there is a pattern of other bVrd and bVld words; it makes more sense to say that the schwa and the /r/ become a syllabic /r/, likewise with schwa-l. So never mind.

    Reply

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