Posts with pix are usually non-fiction… with me.

     Yes, anyone reading my site has probably already accepted that I ‘make stuff up’. Not, G-d forbid, in an attempt to deceive, but for comic effect. (And also because so much of my life and work is like, classified, if you hadn’t guessed.)
And so here is something albeit on the edge of legality but real and cute as hell. My two turtles arrived this morning as planned at 10;30. Nine years old, they weigh in at 27 and 32 kilograms respectively. They will almost certainly out-live me . I need to put that in my Will. Along with a list of their favorite foods, for my heirs and assigns.
     As we speak, I’m trying to get past the impression from their facial expressions that they despise broccoli. They eat it just fine, with relish even. It’s just that dour look engineered by the drooping lip line which screams “Such awful food…. and such small portions, too.!”
‘Neta‘ and ‘Moofleta’, the girls are called. Native to Somalia, they are probably happy to be out of that war zone. Not that Israel is some idyllic middle-eastern Switzerland, but still, so far, so pastoral.
I also fed them cucumbers by hand. The trick is to stop the process while you still have the prospect of playing the piano ever again. And their tongues are pink and as big as mine. They hiss when they’re happy, I was told. I spent most of Saturday sifting the poisonous ‘chinaberries’ from the soil in their pen. My wife says I need more mouths to feed like another nose. She may be right, still, gawking at the freaking Galapagos is about as close to real-life Jurassic Park as I’ll probably ever get. And the expended broccoli plants were destined to be compost anyway. I just hope they don’t organize a food-strike. They finished off a pound of wetted cat-food in 5 minutes this afternoon. Licked the dish and begged for more. Oy, what was I thinking with these ravenous dinosaurs?


14 thoughts on “Posts with pix are usually non-fiction… with me.

  1. Roadkill_Spatula

    Land of Mercy! You’re talking about 130 pounds of turtle there! If the zombie apocalypse (or the real apocalypse) happens and you can’t reach the grocery store, you can make a lot of turtle soup… and the shells will make quaint serving bowls.Of course, the only turtle I remember eating tasted horribly of uric acid.

  2. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – I don’t know, i can’t remember ever taking care of an animal so devoid of… love? appreciation? not sure what I expected, but so far it feels like the hate me, or ‘tolerate’ me best case. And that in spite of fresh food, all their reputed favourites, every morning.

  3. somewittyhandle

    These things are sent to testudo.Herr Solberg, there is no end to the bizarre parallelism between your life and mine. Believe it or not, I have a tortoise (smaller than yours: she’s about 14 inches from tip to tip of carapace) called Bonnie. I’ve had her since I was 13 (35 years ago). There was once a Clyde, but he died in hibernation during my college years. Tip: try strawberries.

  4. jsolberg

    @somewittyhandle – And for them what believe in the Evil Eye, your quite accurate reflection that we share an improbable number of common ‘thingies’ just found a foot-hold into my life: As we speak, I now have, as you, one (1) turtle, the sister apparently having been stolen while I was at work yesterday afternoon. Spent the day going over every square meter 7 times in a half-kilo radius. footprints from cheap small-size knock-off nike’s abound. (We have a half million Thai ‘Gast-arbeiters’ here in israel, and they’ve already extincted a good 90% of our wildlife. I’m mad enough to bomb the embassy. sorry about your morte-en hibernicus. I’d actually looked forward to a three-month break from hand-feeding them twice a day.still searching, and updates as they occur/ JS

  5. twoberry

    They stole one of your turtles?!Maybe the girl that left disappeared on her own, tired of broccoli.  Here in Florida they seem to like the discarded rinds of various fruits.Anyway, I hope she comes back, stolen or not.

  6. jsolberg

    @twoberry – My research on Google said ‘No Fruits! Bananas are ‘fatal!?’ But I did give them watermelons, and hand-fed cucumbers I should have rightfully sold at the market. Oh well, c’est la vie.


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