Ain’t one thing, it’s another!

       Hi all !  I’d have oodles to say on all kinds of pressing world affairs issues if I weren’t so upset over this movie thing.
       I screen tested, and got the nod for a pulp film called Stars and Stripes Going At It. I’d only read enough of the screen-play to figure out what to accentuate for the audition. Seemed like a character I could do, kinda Johnny Weismuller meets Jack Nicholson. Something about a middle aged couple having a fling in East Africa. And my love-interest played by a hot Latin beauty, a real-life successful Central American fashion designer turned actress. I met her at the studio with the director and it felt like chemistry from the first beaker. A real Bunsen Burner, that girl.
     So flash forward to yesterday morning, with emails already discussing on-location logistics… and me finally discovering the scene on Page 393(!)
Now you gotta understand that I really needed this job. Feels like I been out of work since Gone with the freaking Wind.
And add to that my RL experiences with animals, animal husbandry, stuff like that there. A perfect fit… if it were a perfect film.
But it’s not, and I’m out.
Sad, but it’s probably for the best. I emailed the Director with the bad news. He replied within minutes; One word: “WHY?”
So I had to tell him:
“Page 393, duh! Please tell my CO-STAR I CAN’T RAPE ZEBRAS wearing her COSTA-RICAN TRAPEZE BRAS.”
Haven’t heard anything since. They’ll find somebody else, I’m sure. But it’s just a matter of time until that sucker puts the letters together. Whew, at least my reputation is intact.

Flash news!
In real, non-fictional life, I just an hour ago found a diamond/gold ring in a burglar’s cast-off tool kit out in my woods. Complete with fingerprint-less black silk gloves, flashlights, batteries, lock-picking tools, a half a pack of year-old Marlboros, and a wad of Hong Kong dollars.
   This explains my night in Hell last New Year’s Eve with two helicopters and a dozen cops traipsing all over my property and me crouching under the bed or peering through the key-hole in the dark.
I feel a sort of closure, since that terrifying five hours seemed to have started a string of bad luck till this very day.
We shall see what the ring is worth. Enough for a trapeze-bra, mebbe. Not for me, for a zebra friend of mine…


27 thoughts on “Ain’t one thing, it’s another!

  1. Lakakalo

    Solberg, you tower above the competing beasts like a giraffe in a circus parade, except for the 40 foot whooping crane. But tell me, did the scene by any chance also involve a mannequin hand and an electric shaver, taped to a golf club…?

  2. Kellsbella

    I wish you’d just come out of the closet already with your zebra fetish.  Divert us all you like with your made up stories of criminals, but we know the truth.

  3. jsolberg

    @Kellsbella – Can’t say I recall sharing anything about zebras here before, but that may just be denial and selective memory.The stripes help them/us(?) hide in the tall grass. Guess that’s the turn-on. I’ll send you a package with stick-figures and my plans. Just keep it to yourself though.

  4. elgan

    It’s good to have you back, old man. I’ve missed you. In other words, Duncan is now my friend on that scourge of the social networks, Machberet Panim.

  5. murisopsis

    I’m scandalized! hehe! The way things have gone lately, I’d turn the ring into the authorities and hope for a reward or a finder’s fee! I just wonder what you are planning to do with those silk gloves and Honk Kong cash…hmmm.

  6. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – It’s the typical state of flux. I see myself attempting, for sentimental reasons, to return the ring to its owner, and spending 6 months in jail for my kindness. We live in a sick world, at least here in the Levant.

  7. elgan

    @jsolberg – I was spitting nails just a couple of days ago and ready to leave that place because of another cosmetic change they’ve forced on users, something that I have steadfastly refused and now have no choice about. But there are too many people I am in touch with only through there for me to quit entirely. As it is, I try not to spend any more time there than I have to.

  8. splork_splork

    Glad to see you back on Xanga, and glad that you have some closure on your New Year’s ordeal. Maybe there’s a reward for turning in the ring? But keep the lock picking tools…those could come in handy.

  9. twoberry

    My stars and zebra stripes!  Cops trapesing and traipsing and trapezing all over the place and however did they miss the movie tickets in the burglar stash?  Tucked in the bra, maybe?

  10. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Tim, you are quite correct about the story; a long tail wagging a modest-sized dog. Ok, puppy. And the ring has been appraised at upwards of ten bucks. Ok, downwards. So no pangs there. Thanks for the usual careful read.

  11. jsolberg

    @twoberry – I had a shock of ESP when I first read your comment; see, a few weeks ago I also found a wallet in the briars and spent an hour collecting all the papers strewn in the bushes, to return to the grateful victim. Turns out all she said was ‘Where are the movie tickets? There were movie tickets in that wallet’. Accused me of pocketing them. Oy, humanity.

  12. gnostic1

    Gold medal for Israel! (A first?) … get it? a first? Ha Ha Ha. (Of course you got it. It’s what you do!)As usual. a complex bit of fun to divert me. Well done. I couldn’t read the appendix well because a passing family cadre of close-shaven lads from Dixie deposited some saliva in my eyes as I was sitting at this keyboard. They claimed they were drooling over my nubile RAM but I think they were just answering the age-old question: Can a Reb razor-caste spit? 

  13. jsolberg

    Ha. I see a devilishly treacherous sea-lane with sirens in negligee on either side. Port, they lean leftward, starboard, right. The singing is awesome, but the killer is the damage to the neck joint from looking back and forth, each time head cocked at a different angle, like a house of mirrors ping-pong referee. Breasts in Regalia?


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