Why I’ll never read you’re Front Page post

   “So I wuz scanning the 100 Front Page ‘suitors for my attention’ and…”

‘What’s with the “So I wuz..”? You just blew any points your ‘suitors’ metaphor might have bought. With me at least.”

“Um, it’s what you say when you’re in the middle of a story, no?”

“But it’s the first line of your rant. If that’s the ‘middle’ of the story’, where wuz the beginning, silly kitten?”

“Dunno, the device just makes me feel, like, ‘chatty’.”

“Well, chat your way off into the sunset, and take your device with you. Next:”

“So I had the TV on last night and Flubber, you know how he likes to fart on the couch, and I’m like…”

“Again with the ‘So’?” And how did the TV fit you? And no, we don’t know who Flubsy is, whatever, and no, we don’t even start to care. And if you think Xanga was invented so you could enliven the world with tales of flatulent dogs, you were somehow deluded.”

“So I was reading the paper and their saying less people where watch’s these days. What does everybody think about that?”

“I think it’s a goddamn shame and  it makes them less of a person, but until you lern to right gud, you won’t here it from me; not hear at least.”

“So 2000 Friends!! 20 Comments and 10 Rec’s till the next post. OK Guys…”

“No, not OK, with this Guy. Ever thought much about like, content? Or is Xanga some vapid coupon-swap party for you people?”

“But wait till you see my next Huge Update. 1000 new Quotes. Fabulous!”

“So you’re the parasite spending his/her life like a second-rate dung beetle, rolling other people’s phrases into balls? Try this: Stand in front of a mirror, say something all your own,
other than ROFL OMG! and then quote that. Preferably to your gaseous dog.”

“So there’s this lame Xangan, you all know who I mean, going around and saying sh*t about me and I can prove it! here’s the Links!!”

“Yes, I hate him for that. And I hate you for bumming me the f*ck out with the whole tired story, and yeah, ‘you go, Zero!’ The world just became that much more hateful.
And it’s ‘Lynx’, duh. Here’s a link to Wiki, if you ever get a life.”

“193.9!! I f*cking hate my stupid fat f*cking self. Intake: 2 oz. prunes. TofU 3 gm. Binged on distilled water and…”

CUT!! ‘
“Problem as I see it is not Too much food. More like Too much information. I’ll Msg you if I ever need to prop a door open in a high wind.”

“Allistair Evangelina Hupmobille: Age 21 Slytherino from London, Britian. Bi, loves..”

CUT!! The world has enough problems with flesh and blood gargoyles. Go role-play in heavy traffic. Or volunteer for the Peace Corps.”

“So Hi. I’m just getting started on Xanga. Give me a buzz if you have any ideas what to post about..”

“You’re off to a good start. Tell us what y’all had for breakfast…and if it stayed down. You’ll be back on Featured Content again in no time. Especially if it didn’t.”

“So whose left?”
Whose left what??” Shoe? Hand? Oh.. ‘who’s left?’? Um… just the folks I’m already subbed to, I guess. At least there’s that ray of sunlight in the muck.


54 thoughts on “Why I’ll never read you’re Front Page post

  1. whyzat

    Its’ funny that, when I got on here, I expected really poor grammar and terrible English. It hasn’t been that bad. There are still quite a few mistakes, but noting like you pointed out above. I don’t look at the front page, so I guess I don’t see “the best” stuff.I do know that it’s considered bad form to correct people’s grammar. Some people go nuts over it. I guess I don’t mind them sounding ignorant if they don’t.

  2. jsolberg

    @whyzat – Ah, if it were as simple as grammar. And you are correct; folks get surprisingly upset. I only correct head-on if I think of some tres-sly and charming way to do it without insult.Last point, I could have saved myself this whole post by avoiding eye-contact with FP. But inasmuch as it’s a market-indicator of our health, I feel a fatherly duty to schedule regular check-ups. Until my own heart gives out from the strain, ha.Nice to see your comment; your grammar (and taste) is fine:)

  3. jsolberg

    @doahsdeer – Nay, nicht in unsere ‘hood’. My alter, Wu, called me out, scolded that this very post itself is derivative. I maintain that it’s ‘instructive’; a cautionary tail, *tale*, whatevs.

  4. ordinarybutloud

    That’s quite a profile pic you got there. And quite a specific rant, too. Oops, just started a sentence with “and.” You don’t mind, do you, if I do it on purpose? *Knowingly*? At least it wasn’t a “so.”

  5. we_deny_everything

    So I wuz reading Top Blops and didunt fine her. (translation) There are some extraordinary, literate, prolific people who never make the front page. I cheer for them. I rec my ass off, but … nuthin.

  6. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud – OBL, you exemplify to a ‘T’ the kind of writer whose ‘errors’ are automatically assumed to be purposeful. I see you daily on that Page of pages and am never disappointed. And I’m borrowing a profile from a chum in Britain, just for this post.

  7. jsolberg

    @we_deny_everything – Yes, it’s always going to be a flawed process, and I count on your taste in Recs to alert me to the gold here. It’s just that when I scroll through 100 posts and find only 3 I’d not be embarrassed to be caught reading, something more than ‘flawed’ is afoot.

  8. an_OM_aly

    lemme guess, your over thirty. your over thirty what? years old you’reornot all suitors are suitablebut i do luv to read your thoughts on all thiseven if u do look a bit like dan

  9. jsolberg

    @an_OM_aly – I got over sixty two too. Just thought I’d write a quick throwaway which attemps, yet again, to pin down what it is that won’t allow me to click on certain types of posts. Something about the cut of their suits, I guess, but I’m not sure I succeeded.

  10. murisopsis

    Hehe! Late to the party AGAIN! So seldom do I view the front page, that it took me a moment to grasp the pointed sarcasm – and it hurt my widdle paws! hehe. You are a funny man.

  11. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – Yes I think the cheapest solution to my pain is to simply vow to avoid eye contact. Until the front-desk at Xanga puts only clean, clear, and fun posts like your ‘Looking at’ series on their Page. I read yours without fear of loathing, automatically by now.

  12. blonde_apocalypse

    Until this moment I did not know what that Slytherine nonsense was about. Although it’s passed through my mind briefly to wonder, I never cared enough to click on one. Role play. Hu.I admit I use “So,” to start my narratives fairly often. Feel free to critique it when I do. I’ll understand.And I promise to learn to right gud.

  13. the_rocking_of_socks

    Role-play, thinspo, and those asinine quotes/pictures posts are the worst. They make me wish I could fire bullets at them through the internet. Just point the gun at the monitor and BLAM, and the bullets would magically make their way through cords and power lines and traverse the entire internet until they reach the point of the post’s origination and effectively killing the jackass who posted it.

  14. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Thanks. I’ll need to retire the profile after this post, probably. I’m just borrowing it from a chum from London who’s absentee now. Miss him dearly. Plus, one could call it unnecessarily inflammatory. For a guy who has about as few enemies as Seedsower.

  15. jsolberg

    @xXxlovelylollipop – I differ: haven’t ever seen a post of yours I wouldn’t have been proud to say was mine.I’d say we’re pretty friendly to each other…oohh, xanga friends??I’ll check. I don’t do that much; think I have like 72 unanswered requests here. It tends to clutter the inbox with Recs.

  16. Roadkill_Spatula

    I miss him too. He provided some of my happiest and most thoughtful reading in my youth. I’d give five years of my life for an evening at the Bird & Babe drinking beer and listening to him and the other Inklings in one of their reunions.

  17. Roadkill_Spatula

    @jsolberg – Thought you were talking about C.S. Lewis, whose image you have borrowed from another borrower. Don’t know who this Duncan character is. Actually I guess Lewis didn’t live in London, but in Oxford. So never mind.

  18. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Aha! Thanks a bunch, Tim. I’m dense at times, or un-schooled, or something. But the mystery is now solved. It’s just that Duncan’s writing also was a joy in my relative youth, a couple years ago, and he and his real-life cronies do hang out at a British pub with a similar name, which I don’t recall however.

  19. MelFamy

    Sioux here I am, Indians to the left of me, Indians to the right. What is their problem with me? After what they said over on the smokesignals site, I’m supposed to play nice?

  20. jsolberg

    @MelFamy – Bravo. Perfection in a bite-sized nutshell, Mel. I checked the Explore Page today and it seems I haven’t gotten my point across to the unwashable. If anything, the bilge-water is now oozing on deck like in the Sorcerer’s Apprentice. (You are welcome to fine tune my nautical ignorance)

  21. Roadkill_Spatula

    The Inklings met at the Eagle and Child, nicknamed the Bird and Babe. Tolkien read portions of The Lord of the Rings aloud there to fellow members. Lewis read Out of the Silent Planet there as well. They also had contests to see who could read Amanda McKittrick Ros’s writings aloud without laughing. (She has long been considered one of the worst writers ever.)

  22. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Fascinating. This must have all happened the year I was laid up from the cow-horn episode. It got me out of school, but look at what I missed.As to your other comment, a shame. I routinely Copy and Paste before hitting Submit these days, with ‘musical chairs’ WIFIs blinking on and off like lights when somebody is like, switching them on and off alot, you know. A.M. Ros? Yeah, that was a quote.

  23. Roadkill_Spatula

    Let’s try again with the choice gems from the front page: “im soo cold im shaking my dad wont put the stupid heating on ! and he went out and left me to freeze oh well “”omggg! i’ve been away for so long & i missed you all” ‘My kids where like, “Really Mom??”‘And earlier there was one that included the word “loveeeee”. I have never heard anyone pronounce “loveeeee” but it sounds to me like a romantic conversation interrupted by dropping a bowling ball on my foot. “omggg” sounds like a bad case of phlegm, or perhaps a hairball. In any case, it makes me proud to be here in this distinguished cyber-venue.

  24. twoberry

    Before I get into reading the comments, didja ever stop to think that reader reactions are more like a Roar Shock test than anything else you could devise?  Reactions ranging from “I am who, man, hear me roar” to “I am shocked, SHOCKED to see what makes Xanga’s front pages” when there is good humored ice cream such as this to savor.

  25. jsolberg

    @twoberry – Food for thought, your comment. I must say that my tone feels in retrospect a bit mean-spirited. It’s probably natural that a reader analyze his/her own style while reading this, and note mainly the rare instances in which they were ‘guilty’, so to speak. But all my subs here have long ago passed the first interview, and I certainly had no one in specific in mind. Oh maybe the guy in the picture. I mean ‘Xanga’s imitation of the guy’.

  26. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Oy. Probably wise that, as I wrote in the title here, I don’t read these posts, only scan the first-sentence blurbs. I do much prefer to be enthralled by a newly-found treasure than to idle away my time gawking at the wanna-bes and gloating ‘There but for Fortune’..And so I of course read all about Ms Ros, the scathing criticism. Dunno, I think she’s just ‘colourful’, but one critic said ‘she eats rhetorical devices but fails to assimilate them, like a literary diabetic.’ Something like that.

  27. jsolberg

    @twoberry – Oh my. ‘Wit that I had their wood’ sounds like a golfing saying, but sadly, one as new to me as a pack of unused Titlests. Do explain, after the back nine. I’ll be there at the bar. Look down.


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