Spring: And I been seein’ Endive down at C ‘n N Diving Supply

    Yup, It’s right out front, there with the aqualungs. Can’t miss it, unless you’re blind. Place is right next-door to C ‘n I Dog Biscuits, there on the Main drag.
‘Candy’, the ‘C’ of both ventures is something of a partnership-slut. Even has a deal going with me, the world’s least promising entrepreneur; “C AND Y Canes” I make ’em in my spare time, for the blind. ‘Choice select bamboo’… from the neighbors’ fences. Hey, they won’t notice one or two, right? I paint ’em gay colours; they’re for the blind, duh.
    But why I’m writing this is cuz, like, I’m soooo tired of hearing that damn jingle; you heard it, unless your radio’s broke ‘n  crushed under a rock since Christmas:
“Your ‘A’ source for your race-horse:/
Your “Ace-Horse Supply!”

Admittedly, it’s a three-fer play-on-words, but who’s even got a horse these days? My own carriage is like, horse-less. Ditto for all my equine-o-phobe neighbors. So far.
Those Ace people bought the lot up behind Candy’s, put in a track, a little faux barn, run their dumb ‘surrey with the fringe on top’ around all day and night. Candy’s seeing-eye dogs be goin’ nuts. Hounds probably jus’smell ’em. Or taste ’em, whatever. You know how it is with the surviving senses filling up a vacuum.

Plus, the place attracts a bad crowd. Beggars out front, pretending to be blind. Some of ’em even using my(!) canes as fake props.
“Give to the Venetian Blind!” one’s got scrawled on a sign. As if we don’t have enough charity-cases on our Home-Planet. ‘Of course they’re blind.’, I thought to myself. ‘800 degree sulphuric-acid at 50 times Earth’s atmospheric pressure kinda does that to a man.’ Rots his mind too. ‘
Case in point, the guy next to him: Sitting there at a table in mirror black wrap-arounds, Fisher-Price ‘A Child’s First Stethescope’
around his neck and a half(?) of a probably stolen pair of cheap binoculars in his hand. Sign says: Over 50? When’s the last time you looked at Uranus?’ I just stood as silently as a ghost in front of him, thumbed my nose, made a bunch of other quietly-annoying faces, until he finally broke:
“Who you looking at, asshole?” He asks, doing what we used to call ‘fer-schnapping his-self.’ That’s when an imposter blows his own cover out of ‘ignerenz’, or whatever they call it these days.
Anyway, Candy called me before I got too ‘one-on-one’ with this repeating decimal of a fractional human:
“Let ’em alone, honey, they know not what they do.”
she says.
“Great, neither do I.” I told her, walking back to my/our Cane-o-rama. She’s always so ‘biblical’, that girl. Prolly even wore a bib as a child. Yeah, mebbe that’s what happened. She be cute though.
So yeah Spring. The endive does look like seaweed , ya gotta admit. ‘Sargasso # 9’, that’s the Variety, if you wanna grow it yourself. Tastes better if you’re blind. So they say.


16 thoughts on “Spring: And I been seein’ Endive down at C ‘n N Diving Supply

  1. MelFamy

    several layers of intrigue above ‘top secret’, are the files relating to high-level counter-espionage failures, of which wider knowledge would harm the national interest. Thus, they are known in intelligence circles as the ‘see and die’ dogs.

  2. Kellsbella

    Hey, there, neighbor! I’m Ace, and I tell ya I’m tryin my damndest to be a good neighbor, but between you, Candy, and those nutty blind folks, it’s not been easy. Ya been pushin this Sargasso as hard as ya been pushin yer canes. So here’s what I’ve done fer ya, neighbor: I jes bought up all of that thar Sargasso fer our horses. Yep. Now let me just say this, ma friend: If anythin happens to ma horses, I’ve already hired six of the blind fellas ta come and shove one of yer canes up yer Sargasso. Ya got me?Yer friendly neighbor,Ace Horse Supply

  3. murisopsis

    hehe. I’m wondering what kind of gas your imagination is running on. So much going on and me without a score card. The gent with the broken binoculars is too close to real life yet I still find it funny. Does that make me unsympathetic?

  4. jsolberg

    @MelFamy – The less we say the better, chum. Esp about the race of aliens over in the Pensacola trailer park. One look into their mostly-featureless faces inspires nausea. (They’re listed under ‘Eyes only’, appropriately.)

  5. elgan

    Are you sure it wasn’t Candy’s twin sister, S. Carol? She dies her hair red so you can distinguish them. She’s also a bit more bitter about not getting equal billing. Seems the Italians like her that way, but everyone else prefers the N. Dive. Ah, fashion. So fleeting.

  6. Roadkill_Spatula

    I tripped over ‘Rot’s his mind too.’ Since JSol is the champion of all things apostrophical, I can only assume that it is a slightly convoluted way of saying ‘His mind is rot, too,’ linking verbs being roughly equivalent to equal signs.

  7. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Yes, Candy is a recurrent theme here. uses my site to promote herself and her ventures.As to -rot’s-, ha, I could either claim it as a contrived jokelet, ie. Venus’s atmosphere is corrosive to proper punctuation… or else just come clean: a simple dumbbb typo. Good eye. And I think I’ll choose the later and fix it. Not to thereby orphan your comment…

  8. twoberry

    Why are you making me think of Roberto Duran?  That was the boxer (I think I got his name right) who said “No mas” against whom, Sugar Ray Leonard?  Anyway, there’s this ornament store called C and Le Mas Ornaments that you didn’t write about.(I’m back from vacation.  Didn’t see a single Christmas Valley place, those of which seem to dot the south.  So I thought I’d bring up the holidays here.)

  9. jsolberg

    @twoberry – In my day they returned from Dixie with a ‘South of the Border’ bumper sticker.’No mas’ is quite familiar. I said it to a girl once after an argument, to no great effect, except that her ‘duh’ reinforced my resolve to choose my friends more wisely.

  10. gnostic1

    If you have any odd ends of bamboo left over you could produce cases for those passport photo shops : “Caned  ID Cameras” would sell well and you could use the profits to finance: “Canned Id Gamera”, a Japanese movie about  a monster with psych issues. Or, if you’re able, you could just head to Liotta’s Half-price Hookers to cane some B-lined Ray’s Whores where “Any Race Whores You Want As Long As You Want White” is their slogan.


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