Dogfights in 3000 solid overcast and New Teeth

    Our world-class IAF routinely uses the airspace over my house for exercises. This morning a pair of F-16Is, judging by the empty hard-points on the wing, have been playing with the cloud boundary level, exploring the transition between visual contact and radar acquisition, I’m guessing. They take turns being the cat or the dog, hiding and revealing themselves for the kill. I wish them both good hunting. Might be the only thing protecting us from the rabid canines in Tehran. (That, and some ‘larger munitions’ we may or may not have wisely decided to build down in the desert decades ago, knowing that the brain-dead goons corrupting the possibly-salvagable message of Islam would likely turn the religion into a virus infecting the planet sooner or later.)

Ok, teeth.
I was initially sad to feel with my tongue the strengthening-bunker of space-age plastic behind my new temporary incisors/cuspids on the roof of my mouth. I felt I’d been ‘had’. Sad and disappointed.
But as customary, a few hours on Google/Wiki, bless their hearts, reassured me that anything which helps the 10 titanium screws in my jaw-bone-of-an-ox to knit with the bone is an acceptable price. I try to remember that in the middle of the night when, like Oliver Sack’s deluded souls, I fight to rid my mouth of this foreign-body. Glad it’s not an imposter arm or leg.
It’s difficult to take a picture of one’s teeth.
 I’ve not yet told the good news to some of my ‘free-soft-food’ providers. Small of me, but I continue thereby to receive care-packages of delicious warm-it-ups. Meanwhile, secretly, I can  creditably bite through any but the toughest steaks. This does wonders for my damaged self-esteem. Man vs the Beast, you know, still relevant after all these millenia

I must say that I still have no final theory on what happened. An alien encounter seems most likely. I shall explain:
Lost Time: I awoke cold and un-conscious on the road-side. Took a surprisingly long time to register what might have happened. Yes, my bike was there behind me (where the lizards from Antares slyly left it?) but I sure as f*ck don’t remember falling. Plenty of time for a ride in an anti-gravity starship.
The Teeth??? Where are my teeth?? I searched the ground, both five minutes after regaining consciousness and several times since, with a magnifying glass. The area is clean, and if my teeth, all five of them, were ever there I would have found them. What exquisite secrets they must contain for the Perseid Dental Corps, who are fighting as we speak over the rights to examine them, like with the Moon Rocks.
The Leg Thingie?? What appeared at the out-set to be a simple bruise on my left leg quickly developed into a dripping open wound. Liquids of all colours poured from a quarter-sized hole in my leg. WTF?  Pre-occupied with my other injuries (abrasions on both hands which have taken six weeks to even start to heal) I simply left The Phenomenon to attend to itself But I now have what feels for all the world like an apple or a Transmitter in my leg. A large hard object buried there. I want it removed, (but not before I down-load the play-lists). Seriously, the thing feels big enough that, with an internal antenna, it could be up-dating my every move to the Pleiades on 6 gigaHertz. Not that I go anywhere suspicious these days.
Butt-hole? Whew. Forget that part. The extra-terrestrial perverts must have wisely figured that there’s no Cosmic Wisdom down there. Pretty sure if I’d been probed I would have known it by now. So at least there’s that…
Seriously, I do understand better the propensity of folks less versed in science to jump onto the abduction band-wagon in cases like mine. If nothing else, it helps you to feel like less of a dumb-fuck for simlpy (sp?)  falling off your bike.If that’s what happened??? 

I do want to thank, from the bottom of my teeth, all those whose expressed, or even thought to, their well-wishes. Love like that don’t grow on trees, on this planet at least…


31 thoughts on “Dogfights in 3000 solid overcast and New Teeth

  1. jsolberg

    @sometimestheycomebackanyway – Thanks, guy. Today’s dead-serious challenge is to re-learn to smile, or at least run with a teeth-bared grimace. Drivers in the on-coming lane seem to find it odd, but first things first. I actually ceased really smiling way back in ’78, when something tragic happened, so that’s a lot of years of atrophy to overcome.And yeah, I have no clue why our picture of alien life is so scatological. Crude projection, I guess.

  2. HappierHeathen

    Out this-a-way, at least, hunters like to keep elk ivories as pendants. Maybe out that-a-way it’s cyclist ivories?Keep your head down, man. The great bald bird has a thirst for petroleum. Also road kill. It just doesn’t pay to be too close to any place where it can get both at once.

  3. elgan

    Get that leg wound looked at! Stat! I don’t want your next post to be about replacing a whole limb rather than some knocked out teeth. They look good by the way. When you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you! 🙂

  4. whyzat

    It looks llike you’re trying to smile while really surprised in the picture. The teeth look good, though. I hope you find more things that you want to smile at.At least they put the tracking device in your leg instead of using a big collar around your neck like we do to grizzly bears and lions!

  5. jsolberg

    @elgan – It {the teeth} *is* great for a 5AM pick-me-up. This morning I told the mirror ‘hi beautiful.’I’d have the leg looked at, but there’s this one jazz station… I’m afraid it’s got some self-destruct mechanism inside, and at the first CT radiation it’ll go off the air. Woody Allen and that poor guy’s wife’s eggs, in the shrink’s office, all over again.

  6. jsolberg

    @whyzat – I *was* surprised. Don’t recognize myself. And the UFO crowd, whom I somewhat parody here, seem so stuck in the last century. Just hope that NASA, were the tables turned, could come up with something less detectable and intrusive. They could even disguise it as what I likely have, a remnant of massive internal bleeding. Should repair itself un-assisted in a year or so.

  7. Roadkill_Spatula

    The leg wound sounds like leishmaniasis or a brown recluse bite. I suspect the ball might be an abscess. Definitely something to have a doctor examine.Handsome smile there, and the rays emanating from your eyes are a nice touch too. I hope everything takes well. I can’t imagine losing five teeth in one precisely-placed blow.

  8. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Wow, thanks for ten minutes of Wiki horror, ha. Both of the possibilities you mention are seriously NSFW, especially the Colombian sand-fly. And I do have a too-graphic-for-Xanga picture of my leg at the peak of the ‘presentation’. What ‘helps’ is that I had a similar sub-cutaneous bruising mass a year ago after falling hard on a railing doing overhead stucco. Four months later and it still felt like sitting on an apple. Oh well, the price of being an active, photogenic hero-type, you know, with teeth.

  9. jsolberg

    @seedsower – “…and if I were there, I’d eat it!” (That’s roughly what Churchill told a lady who said she give him poison if she were his wife.)Thanks so much for the support dearie:) And I wish these loud fighter-jets would just land somewhere and go to sleep. It’s almost midnight; don’t they have a bedtime?

  10. dirtbubble

    Thanks for updating us. Your roadside disaster has been on my mind since the first report. Now I’m worried about your leg, though. Please take all proper measures to promote swift and complete healing!I think there may be a connection between your abduction, the missing teeth and the IAF patrols. Dan Rather should get in on this discussion.

  11. murisopsis

    The (very pretty) space age teeth are likely blocking any GPS signals… I’d take the chance and have the seeping wound looked at by a professional, maybe even a physician. Though my Jewish grandmother swore by the pharmacist. She felt they were not out to do a coin purse-ectomy… Keep smiling – it is probably confusing the heck out of everyone!

  12. jsolberg

    @we_deny_everything – I must have taken seriously the Reader’s Digest: ‘Humor, the best Medicine’. Thanks for your kind words; It dawned on me last night at 3 that I’d neglected replying. Was awake the rest of the night, till the power comes on at 7.

  13. jsolberg

    @dirtbubble – I much rather have Dan Rather than Geraldo. Andrea Mitchell would be a wet dream though. Many tnx for your concern. The externals are healed for now, and as soon as I get my microwave-to-home X-ray conversion working, we’ll know better what’s in there.

  14. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – Val, I even scare myself. It’s been since ’78 since I had a broad, happy-go-lucky smile in my repertoire. I feel like a test-mouse after they changed the maze; salivate at inappropriate stimuli, ha.Sweet to read your thoughts. And my ‘I can get it for you wholesale’ Romanian agent/princess here did manage to *chew* the dentist down in price 300 bucks. Just hoping he didn’t cut corners as a result.

  15. twoberry

    All this talk of rabid canines and cuspidor incisions can only make me think of a giggling Shirley Maclaine reviewing our attack on what was it, the Falkland Islands, where there was military talk of a vertical insertion and Shirley couldn’t get her mind out of the gutter.But I’m glad your tooths are improving.

  16. jsolberg

    @twoberry – Wow. To paraphrase Jack Nicholson in Terms of Endearment: I may need to get drunk for this. I was, as I vaguely recall, for the anglos in that episode, despite Thatcherism. And ‘Exocet’ still sounds to me like a night-table denture product.I’m practicing grimacing in the mirror today, being careful to tell my visage not to take it personally. Thanks for your wishes.

  17. ordinarybutloud

    I tried to take a picture of my eye once. You’ve done a much, much better job photographing your teeth than I did photographing my eye. 10 titanium screws…yikesadoodle. It looks like you’ve made a good recovery though.

  18. ZSA_MD

    I did not know that you had fallen off your bike. Sorry about the teeth, but glad you have something similar to boast about and smile about.Please take care of that leg wound. I am sure you are up to date with your tetanus shots. All the best, friend.

  19. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud – How ya do it is to just click and clack until you have 20 shots to choose from. Also, use a hand-held mirror, outside in the sun-shine, and turn around in a 360 while shooting. Sun angle has a remarkable effect. Sometimes you do get dizzy, and fall down though, so there’s that. Thanks, OBL:)

  20. jsolberg

    @ZSA_MD – At least I’ll be able to call 2012 by a name: ‘The Year of the Teeth, I guess. Still trying to figure how I got *that* banged up, and I don’t remember anything of the actual falling. The leg is all healed over surface-wise by now, but the bruise-mass is still like an implanted golf-ball. Hmm.. maybe it *is* a golf-ball.? Another theory. and the perpetrator didn’t even shout ‘Fore’. Or ‘arb’a. Thanks for your thoughts, Zakiah.

  21. gnostic1

    I haven’t time today to read all your comments to see if the following theory has already been floated. I’ve been gluing ‘Adele’ stickers on my own pathetic offerings and making fresh hats out of tinfoil. Bear with me.First, you’ll need a number 10 scalpel, a DVD of any gunsmoke episode, and a metal kidney basin to make the correct “plink” noise.There’s an excellent chance that your teeth are all buried in your leg wound. We see it all the time in mountain velocipeders. If not your teeth then part of your handlebars and a piece of denim, or perhaps stretchy sweat-wicking fabric if you “cycle for the French”.Cut in, pop them out, and drop them in the basin.You’re welcome.That’ll be $1400.00.

  22. gnostic1

    I may stick a fellow with teeth imbedded in his leg into one of my stories: dentures perhaps. X-rays of teeth imbedded in knuckle joints that are chronically infected are common. This would be rare … rare as hen’s teeth.


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