I cried when my teeth got knocked out… until I looked for a man w/ no legs..

     Didn’t find one though, so then I cried even harder.
Woe is me. Knocked off my bicycle this morning by an inattentive car-phone-ist.
It took me at least 15 seconds to realize the full extent of the Horror, and by then he was gone, of course. Thoughtful f*cker.
Down-side: no upper teeth in the front. I look like hell and of course I’ll have to eat thin soup through a straw till I arrange a fix, plus the poor lost teeth fell into a storm-sewer, so I can’t even give ’em a proper Jewish burial.
Up-side: Um, first-hand experience knowing how the teethless feel? Real shitty. Until, I guess, some of them get used to it.
     I should have known. The motto of this evil-so-far  new civil year seems to be ‘Down into Despair we Delve in 2012’.
     It started on what you people call ‘New Years’s Eve.
Awakened at 1:30 by shouts in my garden. And a loud helicopter overhead. Through the crack in the doorway, after I killed all my lights, I saw a half-dozen goons with flashlights and weapons. Looking for who knows what. I thought about as clearly as anyone in the fog of war, and locked the door quietly, hid under the bed (after dragging a sheet of corrugated metal over the covers to foil the infra-red cameras in the chopper. And repeated my mantra: ‘Curiousity kills kittens’. That is, do not go out, say, “Hey how’s it going? I’m Yonatan, by the way.”
Five frantic hours I ran from safe corner to improvised hide-out, fearing, as you may guess, a police feeding frenzy, fed by their frustration of being unable to find the real quarry. Any warm body, in these situations, will do, I’ve learned.
At least I still have my teeth, I failed at the time to use as a comfort. And a car.
Early the next morning driving my car to the inspection station I needed to stop dead while the Rabbi’s clueless be-wigged wife gabbed in the middle of the street. That was the last my car has run ever since. Diagnosis: Unknown carburetor problems, possibly initiated by contact with ritualistic knee-jerk Judaism. That’s all I got, but knowing my demons are here to stay, I had to declare the beloved Fiesta a ‘parts-car’. I’ll try to buy kosher concrete blocks to set it up on in the back.
My bicycle is now bent and un-functional, so I’d walk… if my body didn’t feel like having been thrown under a (moving) bus.
At least I have money, right? Wrong. I co-signed on a rental contract two weeks ago for a friend, as a favor, only to watch the person back out of the deal 23 hours later. Full payment for the broker’s exorbitant fees plus a worthless one-month’s rent are being demanded. There went my money for teeth, a replacement car, and vino with which to drown my sorrows.
I suppose I should at least try to identify the Three Horsemen so far hitched to my sorry door. Let’s see: Destitution (lack of cash), Immobility (lack of wheels) and Disability (lack of teeth).
At this point I’m not eager to meet the Fourth. probably Pestilence, caused by toothless malnutrition, nervous exhaustion, and Welt-schmertz, not otherwise specified. Woe ist mir.


57 thoughts on “I cried when my teeth got knocked out… until I looked for a man w/ no legs..

  1. we_deny_everything

    This is a horrible streak of bad luck. I wish there was something I could do. Is there any chance that driver was recorded on a CCD camera? He belongs in a 10 x 10 cell — where he can text his sweet life away.

  2. jsolberg

    @we_deny_everything – Ha, sweet of you. I took a major hit, and am feeling worse by the hour. No ccd’s on our mostly agricultural street that I know of, but worth checking. The driver will in any case find some escape from responsibility. Smoking-guns here always claim ‘the thing just started smoking.’Your sympathy is much appreciated. And I’ll probably just scam some rich Xangans from Nigeria or Senegal for the bucks, ha. At least the pathetic photo is real.

  3. murisopsis

    Wow. I’m so sorry that this bluebird (or was it a Buick) flew up your nose. They say bad things happen in threes so I’m guessing you’ve got your quota and life will even out now. At least your camera and computer are stil…. never mind I don’t want to jinx you. Good luck and I hope the bad luck was transferred to the hit and run driver.

  4. Lovegrove

    I’ve heard of more joyous jump offs to a jerky Jan. What an anal annual this looks to be. Still! Look on the bright side. According to dem dare Mayans, this is the last Chrissie new year turnover. I know this is true cos I’ve just seen the movie on the one eyed idol in the corner of the cell.

  5. splork_splork

    Yonatan, how are you feeling? I’m so sorry that all of this has happened to you. We_deny_everything is right; the worthless pond scum who hit you should be in jail for life. Or better yet, at the bottom of a pond, where he/she belongs. I hope that the rest of 2012 goes much, much better for you and that you’ve simply gotten all bad luck and misfortune out of the way in the first few days. *Stretching arms across the ocean and giving you a hug*

  6. seedsower

    Aww, that pic breaks my heart, I know it could have been worse and I am glad it was something that CAN be replaced! I am grateful the man you were looking for with no legs wasn’t you after the accident! ❤

  7. HappierHeathen

    I’m sorry that you got caught in a gravity storm there, friend. Speaking of friends: The acquaintance who left you holding the bag probably isn’t one.I hope your luck turns for the better right quick.

  8. xXxlovelylollipop

    Oh God, I’m so sorry this happened to you *hug* <3I’d add to the Up-side of your experience that you’re here and not keeping your teeth company.I hope you feel good soon and please rememeber to take a lot of pain killers before you go to bed, tomorrow is going to hurt.


    Sorry that you were hit by a car.  The last time I and my bike collided witha car, I spent about 10 days in a rehab facility – broken pelvis, collarbone, and 3 ribs.  The bike was undamaged!  To add insult to injury, the policeman decided it was my fault and gave me a ticket.  Feel better, Yonatan.  R’fua shlema!

  10. jsolberg

    @Lakakalo – I think I’m on as steep a healing curve as possible. Learned to walk again already, but with a limp. Starting to tell street well-wishers: “The other guys looks a lot worse than me.” Save gory details, since then they’re classified. Hard to believe I got thru X years in the Service without a scratch, get out and then fall on my own damn sword.

  11. jsolberg

    @seedsower – odd, I’d forgotten to look right nextdoor; a guy paralyzed from a stupid work accident. He gets around so well without legs that I feel embarrassed even complaining about a bad limp. And at least he’s got teeth, He oughta use *me* to feel better, ha.

  12. jsolberg

    @DEISENBERG – Thank you, Dies. I’ll bet you had your own share of pain to contend with. I’m just wishing I’d have gone to a doc; coulda asked him if I’ll play the bassoon after my mouth heals. If he just laughs I can still bargain down to the oboe.

  13. jsolberg

    @an_OM_aly – Yes, I felt them, thanks. I look like whas-her-name, the ‘Pretty Woman’. (Ok, Marge Simpson) but better than being one of the truly teethless people we come across here and there, with the acquired wrinkles.

  14. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud – Actually, ‘slippery’ I went back to reconstruct my final moments, front tire hit a pile of, well, and at the worst possible moment. At least I got that as a smoking gun. New teeth’ll set me back at least 3K$ I surmise. A major hit, but I just planted 800 sweet peas. Thanks for your condolences and pray for rain.

  15. jsolberg

    @tjordanm – just occured to me that I’m now a dead-ringer for my dad right after he crawled out of the wreckage of his engine-out homebuilt. He lost the exact same teeth. Genetics works, I guess, ha.

  16. Lakakalo

    @jsolberg – I think there’s some unwritten rule somewhere about soldiers & swords. Atleast you have a neighbor to compare notes with. Like the saying goes, the teeth is greener on the other foot.But seriously, it’s good to know you’re recovering, however steeply. Given the quality & quantity of the traffic over here, some folks don’t have a curve to climb at all.

  17. jsolberg

    @Lakakalo – yeah I lost a good friend in Gujarat in an entirely preventable accident, and I suppose your area shares some of the same awe-inspiring world-class recklessness. Don’t suppose you could mail me a bowl of lentil soup. Lots of problems in transit though, I assume. The ghee becomes unclarified. the ‘pinch of tumeric’ pinches back at the postal workers. Who go, what else, ‘Ballistic’, and then we gotz parabolic trajectories to graph, ugh. Lost a finger once; Dr Wu say; ‘No problem, sew it back on, ok as new.” And he wuz right. So yeah, I’ll be ok.

  18. jsolberg

    @sleekpeek – Or course I thought of the ‘abuse potential’ for my pain. But somehow acting like, real pathetic just to bag ibuprofen is in conflict with my ‘noble warrior policy for this upset. I did just now get a week’s antibiotics for $2 at the clinic. Try *that* in FL.

  19. sleekpeek

    Ha! Antibiotics are free here. We’ve come a long way! From the alligator cave. Seriously, it’s just a gimmick at some pharmacies to get you to fill the other ‘scripts for the big bucks at theirs. Anyway, you know I was just kidding around in hopes that you’d smile. I bet you look real cute toothless. 🙂 (I’m not good at this, am I?) 😉

  20. chromepoet

    Uff. People in cages lack awareness of surroundings … it’s the two-wheel risk. Fingers and teeth! Gads. My second and third most favorite body parts. I do hope you recover quickly. And arrange for teeth. The year has, as you point out, a sour taste from the start.

  21. jsolberg

    @chromepoet – Having had time to back-detail the near-death-in-miniature, I do recall now being largely incoherent upon discovering my previously-faultless body on the asphalt. Ten minutes I spent re-constructing my past, probably tossing out a few memorabiliae like a man in the throes of moving out. I’m sure now that I must have been knocked out.Upside: greater appreciation of the role of teeth in vocal articulation. My (temporary) vocab now has odd lacunae. Nice to hear that Feet, the very foundation of a man, are still in First Place in your Favs list, ha.

  22. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Thanks, me too. Three big hits in a week. They’re probably just making a reality-show based of the Book of Job. Testing when I crack. I check the chickens 10 times a day, they’re vulnerable. Touch one feather on ’em, G-d, and I’ll deny you thrice. (probably conflating some disparate holy writs there, but damn, gotta draw a line in the chicken-shit somewhere.)Hope you’re still enjoying life in the single-digit lattitudes

  23. jsolberg

    @tjordanm – Yeah, he made it to the cornfield 100 meters short of our grass strip and nosed it over. Which pissed him off seeing the bird on her back. Had to hold him back from righting the thing all by himself, just out of pride. “They can see it from the road.” he muttered, through a broken-up jaw like mine now. See, I’m thinking the best direction to extract teeth is along the long axis, and downward, right? Mine were torn out like mowed-over fence-posts. Woulda hurt if I’d been conscious. I don’t remember a thing, frankly, though I damn sure tried.The Smith miniplane is here somewhere, with a cute tutorial on the cabin and panel, instruments and such. My dad restored it to airworthy at about 85, took it up once, then parked it. He’d made his point.

  24. wulfcry

    F*ck as if fighting ones own demons isn’t bad one still needs to forgive an other in good faith still dragging the beast screaming bad luck oy vey the horror.(PS i’m the worst writer in my blogs) be in good recovering and health.

  25. dirtbubble

    Aw man. I wish I had something good to throw in there. I knew from the start this post had the ring of non-fiction and I kept hoping for the twist with the snappy ending. May this stroke of ill-fortune yet yield unexpected treasures of good luck, and may your recovery be swift.

  26. jsolberg

    @dirtbubble – My recovery may now indeed proceed, with west-winds from the high country. The true snappy ending will be when I post pix of me an’ my new teeth. Folks’ll ask ‘Who’s that guy up there with Teeth?’ Thanks, pardner.

  27. jsolberg

    @sometimestheycomebackanyway –  Well, like Clinton said famously, “Define ‘neighborhood.” Yes, I had a run of bad luck, and odd for me, who usually has smoother sailing.It felt good last night reading a rude Xangan his rights, so to speak. Your comments were, as I stated, clear and well-thought, and while I have no time for religion, I remain committed to the culture of reasoned dialogue. Take care my friend.

  28. twoberry

    Well, if it doesn’t kill you, it makes you stronger.  That’s what “they” say.  I know.  “They” can be very irritating.Get tough.  Get mean.  Is your mouf still hurting?  And get well soon.

  29. jsolberg

    @elgan – Thanks, El. I’m assuming Mel was talking about the elephant’s nether regions. Others report it as being ‘like a mighty oak’. I’ma gonna just sing in the rain, and vow to get my bearing better before I put on the blindfold. I have a choice? A whole month of this gevalt-itis and I’d be being be-headed in a bean-picker combine somewhere.

  30. jsolberg

    @twoberry – Well so far, so bad. Weaker, after a bad week. Up-side, learned to really love mashed-potatoes; made some myself even, smashed them babies with a 2X4 in a bowl. Crude, but then I’m desperate. Thanks for your cheerful help, guy


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s