‘And I’m a Goat??’ Favorite Hebrew expressions: #27

     If there is any blogger here who has never, not even once,  felt momentarily ignored, under-estimated, or otherwise passed-over in the Xanga mini-pecking-order, well, you probably have low-expectations-as-a-policy, or else a compromised sense of self-worth.
I’m talking about your two-paragraph Killer Comment; dead on target, original and charming as all get-out which never rates a Reply, when at the same time ten ‘LOLs’ are ‘rewarded’ with personalized gushing tahnk-yous.
Or, in Real-life, (as marginal as that realm has become), you’re ‘hanging with two friends, and decide to order a pizza. Discussion of toppings ensues, and you can’t help but notice that they’re talking ‘half peperoni and half mushrooms.’  “Half??” you think, to yourself, for now. “What about ‘No Anchovies’?”  Indeed, “What about ME?? Thirds?”
This is where I come to your rescue.
Click on the little ‘Rec’ icon below this Post and you will receive your OWN DAMN PIZZA.
* ‘Choice of toppings’  I’ll get from your Comment text, on my way to the Pizza joint, thence to the Overnight Cargo check-in at Ben Gurion airport.
    Seriously, this is the time to ‘invoke’ Hebrew Expression # 27. Gaze at a point somewhere between your two thoughtless ‘Friends’ and the ceiling, hold both arms outstretched palms-up, and repeat after me, loudly:
“Va Anee Ez???”
You’ve just told them ‘where the goddamn fish pisses from’, (to use Expression #28), and in plain English translation, asked:
“And I’m what, a f*cking GOAT??”

Works most of the time. Usually they’ll say, roughly “Oy, slee’kha. Sha’khak’nu!” (‘Oh, sorry, we forgot!’)
    But beware of the down-side. If one of ’em replies: “Ken, b’erech.” (‘Yeah, approximately.’) it’s a wake-up call that you need to either spend more schmooze-time with these valued ‘buddies’, or better, ‘de-friend’ them, write defamatory sh*t about ’em on your Wall… and console yourself for the time being with your Own Personal Pizza.
If they deliver in your sector.
Or to goats.

All Expressions guaranteed in current Israeli usage. By teh hair on my chinny-chin chin. Or I’ll blow your house down.

* fear not: ‘R.E.C.’ is simply italian for ‘Retributat Est Certiori’, the source of the common English karmic maxim ‘Payback’s a mother-….,’ Click away.

(‘and since I get a dozen hits a day from ‘thin-spo’ ‘searchers’, I might as well gratuitously mention that Key-word, even though this post reads more like ‘fats-spo’. I do sincerely wish them all success at attaining their ideal weight, at coming to a manageably sane relationship with food, and oh, a very small ‘Pizza: hold the tomatoes, cheese, dough, and toppings’.


26 thoughts on “‘And I’m a Goat??’ Favorite Hebrew expressions: #27

  1. jsolberg

    @HappierHeathen – Wrote that last night, hungry as sin. Then ‘auto-ran’ straight to the local pizza-place, arms out like the cartoon sleepwalker. Our kosher laws strictly constrain the toppings here. I’d buy my own pepperoni and add it at home, but it’s made from earthworms, you know. Says so right on the label.

  2. jsolberg

    @elgan –  So I assume you know my shrink? And she whispered, over a chance lunch, that’s she’s got this patient who kinda lives to ‘crack up the deserving’. “It’s not really a listed pathology..” she continued. “And the ‘deserving’? who might that be?” you inquired”Oh, the smart, knowing, personable, generous, you know, a person who’d buy me lunch, just to be sweet.”The bill came to $21.50, Canadian. She paid the tip, though.You think this expression came from Yiddish? I could ask around, but it’s lots more fun getting it ‘from the goat’s mouth’.

  3. elgan

    @jsolberg – I was thinking that the English equivalent of “Va Anee Ez???” is: “What am I? Chopped liver?” Considering I wouldn’t put chopped liver on a pizza, and goats are herbivores (if tin cans can be classified as “herbs”, or even “Herb’s”), and I myself am a vegetarian, which means the pepperoni is out in any case, and I don’t like mushrooms or anchovies, we should dispense with the pizza altogether and go out for some Greek food. Even a goat would enjoy a nice tomato salad with feta and kalamata olives.

  4. jsolberg

    @elgan – Sounds delicious. I’ll bring Billy. For once, when he asks the magic question, we’ll be able to answer truthfully “Absolutely, goat. What, you don’t have a mirror in your pen?”

  5. jsolberg

    @railfan – Gratis, and even without the prompt. I’m a sucker for ‘recursive’ comments like yours.By the way, I’ve always heard that in DeKalb, in similar situations, it’s considered appropriate to calmly ask: “Would I be mistaken in thinking that perhaps, in the light of your own clearly pressing needs and desires, my own meager but somehow non-trivial interests, at least as I see it, have been unintentionally overlooked?”I’ve gotten so used to Israeli ‘cheekiness’ that even the thought of ‘turning the other cheek’ makes me dizzy.

  6. HappierHeathen

    @jsolberg –  Ya know, I never noticed the “vermi” in small letters preceding “cultured” on the label! Guess I’ve been eating like a bird all these years without knowing it.Growing up with the defiler of innocent eggplant fruits who claims Judaism but whose only concession to it is the dietary laws, more or less, I was raised on goofy things like all beef pepperoni, beef “bacon”, and the like. Just a few years ago she discovered some chicken “sausage” at the big box store that became a staple… I was cooking something up with it and read the ingredients for the first time only to discover that it was in a pork casing. Not being one to think it’s cute to sneak objectionable food onto someone’s plate I called her attention to it, and after looking a bit perplexed for a few seconds her response was “Just shut up and give me the damned thing”.I’m reminded of a Utah joke: Why do you always take two Mormons fishing with you? Because if you take only one he’ll drink all your beer.

  7. jsolberg

    @HappierHeathen – Ha. The delayed rush of ‘Oh… I just got it’ makes the wait worth the while. Nice tongue-in-cheek commentary for the first part of your comment. I eat anything I like, but am careful not to do so provocatively where it would make folks who worry about that sort of thing ‘uncomfortable’.Not sure you’ve heard of ‘scrapple’ (looks like spell-check didn’t at least.) It’s corn-meal mush with meat ‘by-products’ as flavoring, and eaten fried for breakfast with syrup. In PA at least.I thought to buy some last trip to the States. Was down with the concept, till I made the mistake of reading the ingredients: pork Lips, Pork Ears, Pork Tongues, Pork Tails. Damn, they left out ‘Pork Handbags’. I drew the kashrut line in the sand right there, and opted for something less ‘provocative.’

  8. HappierHeathen

    @jsolberg –  I’ve heard of scrapple but haven’t actually had it in front of me. Sounds interesting.Ya know what they say about sausage, I assume. Mexican chorizo is one of my favorite things on the whole darn planet so I try not to think about pig lymph nodes or Upton Sinclair for several days before buying it. But, ya know, all it takes to get stuck on pig lymph nodes for the rest of the day is to remind yourself not to think of them.”And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so a woman would come in and ask me to give her some tongue.” — George Carlin

  9. murisopsis

    You do tickle me. Having my Orthodox cousin and her family at a demi-family reunion makes for very interesting menus. Seems alcohol of any type is kosher and with enough consumed nearly everything else becomes kosher! hehe! But they never remember and I’m not one to remind them… I suppose the McDonald’s does a brisk drive thru business in cheeseburgers. Under cover of darkness…

  10. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – That’s a great story about your relatives, and familiar. And you guessed right: MacD, especially in areas with large mixed population, Russians, Arabs, and Epicureans, does sell cheeseburgers, but with a fascinating aura of ‘surreptitious’, after all these years. The help is taught(?) to quietly ask: “With?”, and after eyeing up the room for spies.

  11. jsolberg

    @dirtbubble –  Possibly. A sufficient comment is straight to the point, firm, and engorges the subject at hand. So thanks, and I’ll check prices to the Mile-high. Probably a little extra, you know, since it’s up-hill from here.

  12. chromepoet

    This post is about food? My parsing engine must be on the blink. I thought you were comparing piscean hygiene to that of faunish young men who live on pizza and ego.

  13. jsolberg

    @chromepoet – Haha. My own parser is also banging on three cylinders. Indeed, I thought it {the Post} would concern cleaning fish and other assorted pointy-headed chamois-es. But hunger subliminally subverted my message, and I ran out for pizza before the ink was dry. (Damn messy squid. Nix *that* topping in the future.) Second excuse: The glorious ‘Comments’ tail here increasingly wags my doggy posts. I almost never resist; less energy to expend from my own pocket.Your comments are always sublime, btw.

  14. Roadkill_Spatula

    I discovered last week that I have a one-pound bag of pepperoni in my freezer, patiently awaiting thawage and use in garlic-bread homemade pizza. I think I bought it last year. Maybe in 2009. But I could start carrying around enough for “personal use” (which is legal in this state) and add it to the aforementioned pizza if the other guys aren’t thoughtful enough to include my preferences on my half

  15. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Yup ‘God pepperoni-s them what Pepperoni-ize Themselves’. We have this in common; I only discard stuff when it clearly states: ‘Best if used before the Great War,”Last night I ‘over-raided’ my ‘over-rated’ fridge leftover data-banks. Some hither-to-fore unknown food-groups. This in addition to shooting an elephant in my pajamas. No idea how it got there.The Holidays are upon us. Season’s Greetings, chum.

  16. frtnr_mama

    I love the Hebrew phrases but I am afraid they all fall flat around here. Expressions in PA Dutch and Spanish already flow freely but uncomprehended by the fam. They would not be duly impressed with the addition of Hebrew to my repertoire, and really, what’s the point of using cool expressions if no one understands or even notices? (sigh) That’s what happens when you’re surrounded by goys!

  17. jsolberg

    @frtnr_mama – Actually, thinking about it, the phrase’s power is clearly evokable in any language (save in one which has no word for ‘goat’.) Nothing special about the hebrew word-choice on this one. So try it, in the rare case where you’re left out of something. You can then always add, “It rhymes/sounds better in hebrew.” Which it doesn’t, but who’s to know.And no equivalent comes to mind in Dutch. Probably because we don’t like to complain out loud, preferring to save and treasure the insult in passive-agressive heaven.Pizza-for-Two for three? No problem. “I’ll chust vait and see if zer’s any schnibbles left over vunst. Hope not. Von’t zeh feel all schuldig?!”

  18. blonde_apocalypse

    Well, then I am apparently a one-woman blog self-esteem killer. I get some fantastic comments on my blogs, but the @ reply thingy doesn’t work on my site for me (although it works for everyone else on my page). My page is like a glass cage at the zoo. I can see the people, I can hear them, they can interact with each other, but I’m not permitted to address them. I have no idea what that’s about. And since the advent of the @ reply thingy, nobody wants those “ryc: ” comments on their own pages. It’s like showing up to a WII party with an Atari. Sooooo last century.

  19. jsolberg

    @blonde_apocalypse – Wow, that must be seriously frustrating. At least you develop empathy with the young and the caged in the zoo. (A perfect analogy you built) Whoever coded your layout,you should threaten. Tell him his Mom’s ready to kick him out of the basement whenever you say the word.RYC,(!): Yes, reading back-posts from before the advent of @ feels odd in retrospect. Lots of ‘Ryc: Haha!’ and you go: ‘What’s so funny?’Hope you continue to enjoy my site:)


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