“The End of the World. And now I can’t even blog about it!”

No one saw it coming. Millions of disbelievers world-wide stared at the headlines and screamed: “OMG This has got to be a joke!”

Popular social-networking site goes to black: Catastrophic loss of all data reported

‘Please let it be Farce-Book!’ they pleaded, trembling mouse-hand scrolling helplessly down into the full horror of the story:

Xanga Inc, a well-liked second-tier blog platform locked its cyber-doors at 12 PM EST Wednesday in a stunning move which left shocked survivors gasping in anguish. There was no advance notice, and attempts to contact the firm’s NY office were unsuccessful, as of this report.
But a staff member, speaking anonymously as ‘John’, explained:
‘Xanga’s finished. Road-kill. Every bit of data was deleted from the servers.”
“On purpose?” this reporter pressed the source.
“We have no idea at this point. It just happened, is all I can say.”, he revealed, before a hasty exit accompanied by two armed body-guards.

Google paralyzed by ‘hit‘s on cached-blogs as victims  race frantically to save posts.
Internet giant Google.com faced an un-precedented and apparently impossible challenge this
morning, as users of the defunct blog-platform Xanga.com inundated servers world-wide with
page-load requests, attempting, largely in vain, to salvage a few precious memories from their
on-line journals. The search-engine as a consequence was ‘down’ for a record 7 1/2 hours in most of the US, the UK, and, especially hard-hit, Asia.

“All I got was this-here stupid Comment about a guy’s horse!” said one blogger we spoke to.
Said another, stoically: “Oh well. Guess I’ll go back to eating drech. All my weight-watching diary entries. Poof! Just like that. And just when I broke 117.8!”
In contrast, one moderately well-known writer on the host with whom we spoke, seemed oddly unfazed by the platform’s sudden auger-in:
“True, it’s impossible to ignore the wholesale suffering caused by the site’s demise. I mean, it’s the only thing running on every channel today. Yesterday’s nuclear exchange between cross-town Mid-East rivals Iran and Israel is now a back-page blurb:
‘Iran described by eye-witnesses as ‘A hole in the ground where there was a country… once” A story like that ain’t chopped liver, bro. But Xanga-death, now that’s a ‘pochalypse!”

So, do you have plans yet, for starting over from scratch? To, you know, put the pieces of your life back together, if that’s even..?”, we asked him.
“What ‘pieces’? I’m backed up on hard-drives, floppy drives, CDs, DVDs, flash drives, EPROMs, clay tablets… I didn’t lose squat. Personally.”

“How’d ya do dat? Didn’t you need what they called ‘Premium’ to download ‘Archives’?”
“…and I don’t look like a ‘Premium’ kinda guy, is what yer sayin?”
“Frankly…um… So how’d ya do it, save stuff?”
“Easy, I read jsolberg‘s nifty tutorial, followed the steps, and today my only problem is not
getting hit by suicidal Xangans jumping out of office windows. Wow, there went another one! That was close! Lucky she’s a thin-spo.”
“So what’s the date on that post? I’d love to read it.”
“It’s scheduled for later this week.”

“Duh. Xanga’s kaput! What you talking about?”
“Nah, I just made that part up. To, you know, scare folks into reading the Post.”
“Whew! And ‘Iran back to the Stone Age’, also a spoof?”
“Yeah, unfortunately.


55 thoughts on ““The End of the World. And now I can’t even blog about it!”

  1. Lakakalo

    Solberg, you tower above the competing beasts like a giraffe in a circus parade, except for the 40 foot whooping crane.Some guy’s horse eh? I guess I gotta push the “giraffe” line a bit more. And thanks for reminding me, I forgot to make my clay tablet backups. They’re sturdier than DVDs, but the data transfer rate is horrid.

  2. jsolberg

    @Lakakalo – Now you have me thinking about clays, silicates, silicon dioxide, and chip-blanks. Deep, pondering the info-count on a natural ‘random’ piece of quartz vs an equally-sized PROM. Perhaps all bits are equal, but some are equaller. If they encode our precious writings. shannon didn’t mention that? Thought of your post when I cooked today. Third-grade tuna melts, but it’s a start.

  3. Lakakalo

    @jsolberg – We still have clay tablets from three thousand years ago to decode. I’ve sometimes wondered if anything from our time will last that long. Or what the odds are, that whatever that does survive won’t be porn. I mean, most of our technology is one really bad solar flare away from a career shift to hunter-gatherer.

  4. we_deny_everything

    Forgedda bout-it, this laptop has 284GB. I basically never delete anything. And there is 276GB still free (not to mention piles of external disks and flash memory). I’m so glad I didn’t choose the Powerbook at twice the price with less than one GB.There will always be an internet … as long as there exists disinformation.

  5. jsolberg

    @Lakakalo – A colourful way to put it. And ‘Send more Chuck Berry!” comes to mind. I suppose the Oort Cloud is our last-gasp back-up, but those anatomically-correct humans engraved on the craft. Who knoweth.

  6. jsolberg

    @we_deny_everything – Twain redux: If you don’t read the net, you are uninformed; if you do, you’re *misinformed*.The goal I intend to ‘walk-through-toward here’ is to coax all the past posts and attendant comments into an intuitively accessible *place* on that spacious HD. (I have four years saved as screen-capture BMPs, but that’s truly labour-intensive unto tears.)It’s scary. All of my magnetic tape audio work from the 60s is now un-readable. All gone. Forever.

  7. Lakakalo

    @jsolberg – Ah but it’s actually a reference to TWO classics. The original, obviously; and a Halloween episode of the Simpsons, where the family is abducted by an overly pampering group of aliens. Lisa finds a book called, which leads to a confrontation. The aliens point at the cover which states “How to Cook”. Lisa states part of the book is covered in dust, and blows it away to reveal the full title “How to Cook Humans”. The aliens state a part of the cover is still covered in dust, with the newly discovered title of the book now stating “How to Cook For Humans”. One more blow on the cover and the newly discovered title states “How to Cook Forty Humans”. The aliens respond by FINALLY disclosing the full title of the book, “How to Cook For Forty Humans”, state their disgust at the lack of mistrust, and return the family back to earth. (I’d have posted a link, but I couldn’t find the video on YouTube. >_<) Goodnight.

  8. jsolberg

    @complicatedlight – Based on a tru-life ‘sperience. Google ones username for example, and the first relevant results are not Hi-Test Posts, in all their glory, but a few inane, context-less comments you left, back before the Great War. Most concern horsies, for some reason…:)

  9. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula –  All I can advise is to use them-there OBL specs once again. There. It’s a period, not a comma. (But I do think the ‘John’ was obliquely referring to {the loss of} your body of work and conviviality as a large part of the damage-report.) I know I was, ha.

  10. Lovegrove

    I just caught the end of your News report saying that there has been no coup after all in Xangaland. Unfortunately, I was leaping from the window ledge as I read. Fortunately, I live in a cottage. Unfortunately, I crash landed on two ducks practising biblical knowledge. It is possible that Sir Francis Drake will never be able to rise to the occasion again. Not only that, his slut shat on my blue suede wellington boots. The game bird’s afoot.

  11. ItsWhatEyeKnow

    Now if this isn’t the best trailer for a future post I don’t know what is!  Looking forward to learning how to save my stuff!  Lord forbid I loose my Xanga history because John’s up to some sordid funny business.

  12. jsolberg

    @ItsWhatEyeKnow – Yes, your site with its precious anecdotes; would be a shame to see it in the bit-bucket. (And yes, shameless self-promo near the end of this, but I only tacked it on to save Xanga and prevent nuclear war, in that order. Really.

  13. jsolberg

    @seedsower – Ha, thanks. I’ll bet I’m not the only blogger who’ll do anything Beth asks, jus ‘cuz she’s sweet like that.So ok, a cartoon titled: “Blogger and Posts over Cliff.” Just a horizon line on an otherwise blank canvas.”Where are the posts?”They went over the cliff, duh.””And where’s the Blogger?””He jumped after ’em”Should be pretty easy to draw.

  14. jsolberg

    @seedsower – Aww shucks♥ (And it spites me sumpin’ vonderful I can’t be seen here in a Red Hat. The Rabbis’ Robots will find it and then I’m chopped liver. They’ll bury me out in the woods somewhere. Wait, that don’t sound too bad. Quiet, at least.)

  15. Lovegrove

    @jsolberg – Nine Nine Mine Herrenvolk! SIR Francis the Limey Elizabethan privateer, was a jolly adventurer cum pirate sort of pre Royal Navy, and fought the bloody British in the town of New Orleans. Oops! Wrong, song, wrong war! Anway, he was about when the Spanniards sailed up the Chanel. They like the perfume dem Spicks. But I digress as is my wont. SAINT Francis was a devout, sincere Christian, yea I know, not that many about, who was an Eyetie thinspo. Looks lyke youse cant tell the difference between Gentiles. We all look alike to youse or what? You’ll be agin uns getting the vote next. Geez!

  16. jsolberg

    @Lovegrove – I’m certain you are only mock-chastising me here; I of course know both Francii well, having taught one to row his ‘A child’s First Canoe’ (he was sooo excited!) and the other to talk to the animals with perhaps greater emphasis on their native syntax. The topic here is the end-times, and so we need to concentrate on Armageddon-related matters. I’ve played wedding gigs in Meggido here, in the shadow of the apocryphal mole-hill itself. The rubber-chicken served was truly fin de seicle.

  17. murisopsis

    I loved this post but you know the comments are almost as amusing! Hehe! Oort cloud – are you sure you weren’t sitting at my dinner table last night? Seems that came up in conversation…

  18. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – Thanks, and I bask in the reflected warmth of esteemed visitors, taking only minimal credit for ‘choosing my parents wisely’, so to speak.And yes, I was there, under the table. Someone called the salad-dressing ‘far-out’, and well, things went galactic from there…Thrilled to see you here/js

  19. jsolberg

    @Ikwa – I’m assuming you have ‘long pensive walks’ planned, ha. Yes, without a virtual audience, the temptation is strong to take up thumb-twiddling… or watching golf on TV(!) I suffer, as you might have read, from week-long xanga-blackouts, caused by a Swedish server on the connection hop-route. Learned to appreciate watching a nice mid-quality latex paint drying instead of xanga, but e-props are slow in that game. Nice to see you here.

  20. jsolberg

    @murisopsis – And thanks for the Sub (just noticed) Funny, I’d always assumed you were already on the Great Honour Roll, ha. Had you in mind last night when I chatted here with the fellow about clay, molecular structure, data storage, etc…oh, and the Oort cloud. Obviously. It’s the ‘elephant’ in the Solar System room.

  21. gnostic1

    Watch out my friend. You are fast becoming a celebrity post-er boy.  Thin-spo folk falling is a brilliant image. Twirling like maple leaves in the twirls of an autumn breeze they scatter across the concrete plaza and crack dryly beneath the mustard encrustedclogs of Pedro, the weiner vendor.

  22. jsolberg

    @gnostic1 –  That’s called ‘fleshing-out’ the bones of my conceit, and Haha. Personally, I had them bouncing harmlessly off cloth-stretched verandas and marshmallow-people eating marshmallow pies. Both of us know that eating disorders are less than humorous for the sufferers, and that there but for Fortune go we. ‘Oops, there goes another one. Close.Anyway, all I can give them at this point is food for thought. Oh and maybe start a glucose drip. This saccharine post was bald-facedly Krafted for Front-Page mass and energy calculations. I enjoy the additional readers’ inputs, but it’s an awesomely labour-intensive path toward the million-hit-per-day supposed big league.Again, what a delightful reverie you constructed. Post as often as you can, friend. Xanga needs your constant input like.. like a hard-drive needs 5 Volts DC.


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