Please Circle the ‘best’ Xanga-Metaphor (below)

     Ok, Metaphors ain’t everyone’s cup of tea, or cat’s meow, or whatever. Most folks are aware of the form; evoking a comparison to some similar thingie in an effort to better understand both. 
     But  humanity seems to be divided between suckers like me who get all wet over a perfect metaphor on the one hand, and the (less fortunate?) who relate to the form with neither ketchup nor relish. As if someone were forcing them to buy a set of paste-on deer antlers and wear ’em around the clock. They just don’t see this fashion-choice as  ‘necessary’ or ‘productive’.  Un-metaphorically speaking.

    Oh well, let’s get right to the punch line. A mix of drinks for everyone, although do feel free to discreetly add from your own hip-flask.

A: Xanga: A Room full of Friends.

Might as well start on an optimistic foot. Those for whom this shoe fits need walk no further.
Yes, on a good day Xanga is a hoppin’ public/private party. Your Subs compete to be the first to comment and complement your entry. Thrilling conversations ensue among them and with You, the host with the most. You pride yourself on your exquisite taste in choosing the classiest Names in town. But…
“But?” There’s a ‘butt’?”  Yes, two, actually. First, 90% of the invited guests didn’t show up, not that you’d have had Pop Tarts enough to feed ’em, but still. And then, after everyone’s left, and your beloved post is just an archive called ‘Previous’, you find out that, hey, lots of your missing friends are secretly ‘dead’. Or ‘dormant’. Sad. They were, many of them, stars of previous galas, and you reflect on Life’s transient nature. Till the next bash.

Xanga: Pissing into the Ocean.

You post and piss and moan till ‘it’ falls off… and the chilly waters don’t warm up even one degree, Kelvin, do they? (Well, at least I call you by your real name, buddy. That’s something.)
One of my seriously-admired Xangans here jumped overboard a year ago, and swam off to the deserted Isle of Blogger. There he posts heart-breakingly cogent Acts of God almost daily, to virtually zero applause. Average Comments/Post is in the 0.03 range. I’m trying to remedy that single-handedly, as well as offering my private plane to extricate him from Solitary, but he claims he gets lots of ‘hits’ there.
I don’t know, when I piss in a puddle, I like to see something happen. Frogs diving for cover, whatever. Blogging without feedback is like sex with no-one else there to be a ‘witness’, so to speak. I guess you could do it in the road though? Attracting attention is our next Metaphor.

Xanga: Pushing on a Rope.

You write what you consider attractive, clever, and endearing posts. Good for you. Now just throw the lasso out into the blog-o-dome. Shit, it got snagged on a spammer. Or fell ‘just this much’ short of a whole herd of prime beef on the hoof. That’s when you sadly remember what yer daddy taught you: ‘Ya cain’t push on a string, son’.
Sure, you can Comment the cattle to death, hoping they’ll be shamed into returning the favor. Or Pulse about the post. Or Plugz about the Pulse about the Post. All this feels somehow undignified though. In a perfect home on the range, the cows would trample your site in a feeding frenzy, and you’d be lassoing two or three at once on each toss. But yeah, Daddy wuz right. Ropes are for pulling.

Xanga: Dear Diary: Yes, it’s me again.

Anyone who needs to re-introduce herself to her own diary every morning likely has some self-identity issues. But that’s not the point here. For many, Xanga is a Diary, but with a plus.
A diary read not only by your Mom , ever since she found out where you hide it, but also by friends and strangers. And secretly you’re dying to know what they really think of you. That’s why the persona you create skews all over the map: ‘Lemme try this on, and see if anyone bites, barks, or coos.’ There’s also the ‘fun‘ of “Oh no, I said too much.” Frantic early-morning ‘Delete Post’s, check Footprints. At least it’s exciting. Dramatic even.

Xanga: The World is a Battlefield

You basically despise most of the human race. Wish them dead, if by suicide “Site shut down at the owner’s request” or murder: “This Site has been terminated for violation of Xanga’s Terms of Service.” Your nightly battles include pot-shots: “You suck!!”, skirmishes: Reply to reply to reply until both sides are calling the other really awful names, Block-ades, and HUGE FONT attacks naming Names. And you just love it. The smell of Napalm. All this and world war II. So there’s that metaphor.

Xanga: Marketing for its own sake.

I find this one, oddly, the hardest to wrap my poor innocent mind around. I see the MGM lion bellowing and underneath him: ‘Analytics Gratia Analytics’.  Content plays second fiddle, if its notes are heard at all. Yesterday Dan, The-Illogical Caffein ‘succeeded’ in getting a hundred Xangans to say Nigger, Spic, Kike, and whatever else they could think of. One dear Reader, Comment 107 or so, asked “So what’s next: “What’s your favorite child to rape?’ Bless her heart for trying but to the Marketeer it’s just another Page View and two more e-props.
A Junior version of the disease is the Front-Page entries which merely plead: 20 more Comments and Ten Recs till my next post. Thanks, guys!!” 

This sad Game Metaphor kinda brings us to the burial-plot of the Xanga dream; to facilitate thoughtful interaction between friends and friends-once-strangers.
Thanks so much for reading, and as the title says, one of these templates might be familiar to you. On a good day, I pick the first option. Party Hearty. (Oops, ‘heartily’)


42 thoughts on “Please Circle the ‘best’ Xanga-Metaphor (below)

  1. Lovegrove

    “Pissing in a pond” That just about covers it mon ami! I get the odd croak back from whatever’s in the bulrushes. The only thing I can be fairly sure of, it aint Moses.

  2. homealivein45

    If a bunch of morons get together and say a bunch of racist words who are any of us to say no thought is going on?Discriminating against morons is the next big crime. Soon California will be forcing school children to study their contributions to history.

  3. buddly47

    Most days that I come here, I’m looking for that first option myself. It’s becoming harder and harder to find amongst the marketing battlefielders, tho.

  4. jsolberg

    @Lovegrove – I think Moses even had his bro Aaron do his animal-noise imitations for him.And you’ve been doing the ‘machine-gun’ approach lately. Your writing style and content are certainly fascinating.

  5. jsolberg

    @homealivein45 – An interesting comment: Yes, thought in its base definition is ‘going on’. I have so many friends who are morons that I’ve ceased using the term ever since one pointed out that it was hurtful. But my revulsion is not spared against those in a position of potential moral leadership, like that fellow in question, who insist on pandering to cheap and slimy post-man-ship.

  6. jsolberg

    @seedsower – *blushes*. Beth, you are so close to the Blessed Ideal here (I’m sure you’ve heard this before) that you’re at risk of becoming your own metaphor: “She walked across the plowed fields, the rain-drenched furrows, the newly ‘fertilized’ soil and emerged on the other side as un-sullied as a… as a Seedsower!” And the whole crowd instantly knew what I was trying to say.♥ {Alt+3}. Now to learn how to make it print red.

  7. splork_splork

    I think it’s a little like panning for gold. Most of the time, the pan comes up empty, but when you do come across a fellow xangan like, say, a certain Mr. Solberg, you feel like you’ve struck a fortune.

  8. jsolberg

    @splork_splork – Or a certain Ms. Val Splork, ha. Good metaphor, mining. I smelted all the ore in that ‘What’s yer favorite racial slur?’ Dan-obscenity. 2% of the commenters expressed doubts as to its tastefulness. Almost felt like hugging and subbing to them on that basis alone.I don’t know, Val, maybe ‘where and when we grew up’, the same percentage of people were ‘flawed’, let’s say, but I somehow avoided seeing it. Blame the transistor. After all, Schockley was a rabid you-know-what, just like Henry Ford.Hmm.. I may be off-topic

  9. ItsWhatEyeKnow

    You always have readers I’ve never seen on Xanga before, so sometimes I mean to comment but my ADD wisks me away to new sites.  What I meant to comment my first visit was that I love this post.  Made me laugh!

  10. SkyyL

    Pissing in the ocean on Blogger is why I came here to Xanga. At least here I can piss in a puddle and have a little bit more control over myself. Lmao. Great post!

  11. jsolberg

    @ItsWhatEyeKnow – That’s two nice compliments in one, Lena. I do actively seek out bloggers whose lassos undeservedly fall short of the big-time corral. And tickled as usual if I made you chuckle. Can’t remember lately ever posting anything I didn’t believe was at least a little funny. (Haven’t heard from my ‘Marketeer’ metaphorical-model. But perhaps he read this and changed his ways? Your comment there was spot-on. I’m looking for a large-ear-ed brown-eyed guardian for my potential orphans as we speak. An elephant? They probably believe in god, but in a nice animalistic, hands-off way, so kool.

  12. jsolberg

    @an_OM_aly – well, I volunteer to attempt to suggest a rationale: Where else would you proudly and publicly back-up your to-die-for photos and acute observations on life as it is or could be? Even in a Michigan-as-tropical-forest of the future, scientists will pay for archived photo-documentation.

  13. Roadkill_Spatula

    My daughter created my blog for me several years ago. My kids were blogging and it was a pleasant way to keep up with them. Now they’re on Facebook and rarely over here. For years I posted into the void; my kids and one sister might have read my stuff, but it was rare for me to get two or three comments. I hunted around for decent writers (following Plugz, which was ineffective), and I read Revelife (which seemed better done back then). My break came about two years ago when I wrote a long post about music after watching The Last Waltz. I got comments from Bricker59 and Windupherskirt and Gnostic1 (I think that’s his handle; hilarious Alaska writer), and found this congenial corner of Xanga.There are a number of Xangans I would now consider good friends. There are several whose writing I never miss if I can help it. I’m grateful to have an outlet for my creativity.

  14. dirtbubble

    How about Xanga: Dog Pound. That’s giving me giggles. Xanga: Bonobo Tribe. Xanga: A Vast Starfield. Man your analysis blows Xanga shit up. Everyone should read this. I laughed. I cried. I hung my head in shame – I was there feeding the hideous beast when I wrote “shit-kicking hick.” Apparently not too ashamed, though. Haha okay you know I’m a sucker for this room of friends concept so I go with that for today.

  15. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – That’s a nicely-written synopsis of your growth-curve. It’s understandable that someone serious such as you would need a few weeks here to discover the key to your present success. I wandered in the desert 40 days and 117 nights till I found my donkey.

  16. elgan

    I went from No. 1 to No. 2 (No. 2 tries harder!) but at least I kept some of the friends I found in that room before the tide came in and inundated the bathroom. Thanks for being one of them.

  17. gnostic1

    Many Xangans do not Ken what a meta’s phor. They do not know a word whose pronunciation sounds like two onomatopoeists clapping out together.They only know how to make a similie face.Like.Wow.


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