Don’t know where you get *your* news…

     I just write my own. Doesn’t need to be true, just ‘truthy’ and stylish. I start with a personal ‘fabricated’ story, and then on to the News… Takes about 15 minutes, this did.

Don’t pull the wool over my eyes.
 
The arrogance of those ostensibly-innocent little lambs! Me, sign a support petition for Big Mama Bo Peep as the all-species rep on the school board? No way, Jose.
My neighbor to the south, a human who wishes to be anonymous, (we’ll call him ‘U’) mentioned the problem a couple weeks ago, and I’ve been watching the sheep, binoculars and camera in hand, ever since. He’s got this gorgeous postage stamp forest he planted, like twenty kinds of trees in it, all healthy and trimmed. Well, at least till last Thursday, when the herd of woolly rug-rats finally succeeded in tramping down the fence between their pasture and the grove. Since then they’ve been carousing about in the woods, pooping and fressing with reckless abandon, and worst of all, scratching their backs on the low-hanging branches of ‘U’s pride and joy, a half dozen yew trees, and tearing the crap out of them.
And then they want me to sign a ‘model citizen of the biosphere’ letter? Dream on, mutton-breath. I Refuse! Youse ewes use ‘U’s yews like it’s your private playground. Karma’s a bitch now, ain’t it. Ba ba ba./ JS Tel Aviv


IN THE NEWS:

Testosterone Tester TASE-ed: ‘Tossed her own toaster on cop’s head’: Police.
Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you shouldn’t.
Veteran lab-worker Patti McCarran may wish she hadn’t lost it and thrown  her office toaster out the open window at Highland Biologicals yesterday morning. “Ok, maybe it’s my endocrine system acting up, but you try to make an edible slice of toast with that piece of shit!” she was quoted as explaining after being treated and released on the scene. The ill-starred patrolman who happened to be the appliance’s unintended target similarly departed from protocol in his “raging bull” apprehension of Ms McCarran, according to eye-witnesses. “I would have said I’m sorry and that’s that,” Patty adds, “but he was like a buck in full rut. And me on an empty stomach…” Source valued the toaster at ‘less than $5 given its condition.’



Filler Item:

Speedy Seamstress?
It would seem stress would slow her pace, but reports of a seemingly seamless dress sewn easily by a highly stressed seamstress prove the opposite. -More-



Prurient Interest:

Don’t let ‘Francis of Asisi’ see ‘C’ see-saw’. That’s the gist of a court order handed down this morning in Juvenile Court against Franklin Paul Assidy, arrested earlier this week on voyeurism charges near the playground of Ladies of Assumption Private School. The child in question, an unidentified minor, prevailed, through her attorneys, in being allowed to ‘freely use the specified recreation equipment in an ‘active’ manner’, despite claims by the defendant that her style was ‘provocative. A restraining order accompanied the verdict. Assidy was further required to carry legitimate ID at all times, and to fore-go his ‘costumes’, deemed an ‘unattractive nuisance’ by the court.


Gossip:

Cybill wore
Civil War
sable, where
wash ‘n wear
woulda (we’re
jes saying)
worked wonders.

Actress Cybill Shepherd likely shot at but missed the hearts and minds when she appeared for the Seattle Women’s Collective’s ‘Moonlight Walk for Equality’ adorned in a rare and expensive 1860’s fur coat. Not saying she had to all-out slum it, but still, people talk.


Shipping News:

The heavily-laden Panamanian-flagged cargo ship ‘Can-Tanker Uspinado’ was ordered back to the high seas earlier this week after attempts to reconcile crew unrest failed. ‘Cantankerous’ was the one-word description given by the Maritime Workers’ Union for the ship’s Captain, who battled back with “I’m surprised we even got into port with these loonies, and now they can’t anchor us?” Negotiations continue via Ship-to-shore.



Curiosity Item:

Infinitesimal fin-de-siecle Finn dolphin-fin finishes museum tour… Finally.

Billed as the shortest but longest-running bone in history, the artifact, discovered in a long-defunct fish-packing house dumpster near Helsinki in 1899 ranks as the smallest bone fragment known to man. Viewable only through a high-magnification microscope, it was likely created in a last-ditch attempt by the firm to down-size portions. After nearly a century of continuous exhibition in venues ranging from Paris’  Louvre to ‘Franji’s Roadside Curios’ in Tempe, AZ, it will be returned to Finland later this month.



History in the making:

Rasputin’s Rin Tin Tin‘ likely suffered from tintinitus.’ Divers, assisted by none other than Vladimir Putin in the lead role, have succeeded in recovering the almost century-old skeleton of the famous German shepherd owned by court-adviser Grigori Rasputin. The canine was reported to have attempted to assist his master’s efforts to evade capture and assassination until he mysteriously put paws to ears, yelped in pain, and plunged headfirst into the frozen muddy waters of the River Neva. No cause had been proffered for the strange turn-about, but forensic studies of the carcass now show credible indication of the ringing in the ears one reads about frequently.

That’s all folks. No ads. Cool, huh?

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5 thoughts on “Don’t know where you get *your* news…

  1. Roadkill_Spatula

    You’re on a roll. Or on something. As Albert the Alligator once said, “You can’t pull my wool over the ice!”Were the sheep in question purchased at Hugh’s Used Ewes? That’s one testy testosterone tester. Tess told me testes were twisted in the tussle.

    Reply
  2. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – No source for the cattle was located by press time. Thank you for your interest, sir and/or madam. The Edition in its entirety was dictated in a headlong rush by the all-powerful muse of Style. Content is fungible, style concrete.

    Reply
  3. scifiknitter

    One gem after another here. Thanks for the weekend news. With any luck, I’ll be able to avoid the stuff that passes itself off as “factual” for the next few glorious Indian Summer days. (Yes, I am in the mood for a news fast.)

    Reply
  4. jsolberg

    @scifiknitter – I wish you much luck in your worthy cause.And the thing is, I can create a page of News like this as quickly as I can type. The style and format is so standard, and infectious I suppose one would say. “Said one TIME reader: ‘Not sure if I’ll be able to put the subject before the verb ever again if I keep reading this rag.’

    Reply

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