(Ok, well maybe once a long time ago, when I was just dying to see what would happen if I fit something I had into something I didn’t. Yeah, it worked fine)
But speaking of earthy delights, I’m way psyched about my idea for a lubia-shelling contest. (that’s string-beans, or black-eyed peas for you southerners) I’ll make it a community event, hold it during Succot. (a holiday which is coming up where nobody does much in the afternoons)
I’ll have two categories: over-12 and under-12. Yup, no one 12 years old will be allowed to participate. Hey, I don’t make the rules…
Wait a minute, I do make ’em, so here goes:
You get time to warm up/practice, but I keep those beans. And no tossing out half-open pods just cause they pissed you off.
And then, a timed run for each participant, probably 30 minutes, but I’m open to ten or twenty. Every contestant gets to sit comfortably, the supply box to his/her right or left, a pan in the lap, and I’ll probably let ’em throw the empties on the ground, like peanut hulls, for a carnival atmosphere. I/we weigh the beans and record the fact in the Book of Life.
What to do with all those beans?
Not sure yet. Hell, I don’t even know if anyone’s coming. I’ll probably offer free drinks and snacks, maybe quiet pea-picker music in the background, and prizes(!) Yeah, that’ll be why they show up; to claim the fabulous prizes.
Now I could offer First Prize: a kilo of lubia, then Second and third prizes: five and ten kilos respectively (*rim shot*) Sorry, little bit of bean-humor, but it might not go over, plus it’d be tough scraping together 16 kilos fresh anymore; the giving season is mercifully winding down.
No I think the First Prize should be a custom tee-shirt that says ‘Lubia Shelling Champion, Kadima, 2011.
Still, there are a lot of details. Like should people kinda ‘register’, (so I know how much soda to set up), and where to hold the Games; at my place (where I have tons of parking and quiet) or somewhere central, so they can walk there and pose, bein’ seen and seein’ bean . Hmm..
Oh, and the big issue: Who gets to keep the beans?
First of all, unless someone comes up with a secret weapon or competes on steroids or meth (allowed, by the way), ten minutes of straight-ahead hulling nets me at least about 50-60 grams. That about covers the bottom of a tin cup, to give some perspective. So we’re not talking about dump-trucks here, more like a couple kilos, dry. The beans sell for 10 shekels a kilo, or about a buck fifty a pound. Big deal?
Well, I planted ’em, watered, tied up the vines for hours every day, picked the suckers, and dried ’em in the sun. So in terms of time and money invested, to me they’re worth closer to 50 shekels a gram (!) The price of meh weed here (so I hear)
I know what you’re saying: I picked the wrong crop if I want to make money. Yeah, but like I mentioned in the last post, the sewer at the prison really smells bad.
And to answer the question: depending on public-relations needs at the last minute, I’ll try to keep the shelled beans for my very own. Hope they enjoyed the challenge, the hopes and dreams, the soda, the beer, and the atmosphere. Wish me luck.
Wu: Assuming you give away the beans, what esle you get out of it, buddy?
Me: Duh, a chance to present myself as a fun-loving socially-outgoing character.
Wu: Quite a feat for a reclusive little misanthrope…
Me: You know what they say: “Plus je rencontre des gens plus j’aime les haricots”