Shitty post about ‘its’ and ‘it’s’

Dawned on me today, (at daybreak), as I drove past Tel Mond Prison’s failed sewage treatment plant… to never, never ever do anything illegal!
No, actually, I realized that the usage Troubles with Its and It’s likely stem from the lack of
parallelism with ‘shits’ and ‘shit’s’. Yes, that’s what dawned on me. Sad, ain’t it? Well, if anyone‘s entitled to dig through excrement it’s probably moi, having spent half my childhood knee-deep in it.So let’s dig in, shall we?
Here are some example sentences for you to clip and magnet to the fridge.
Shit happens
Yeah, we all know that. Next…

This shit’s gettin’ old.
Talking about either shit that happened some time back in the past, or more commonly, shit that like, just keeps happening. The continual form of the verb ‘get’ is ‘getting.

Weird shit’s been happening to me!
Here the {apostrophe-s} in the word ‘shit’s’ takes the place of ‘has’. Somehow, saying ‘Weird shit has been happening to me.’ just sounds too formal and analytic.

Anyway, it all started, I believe, with the alien; small, menacing, and grey, who conked me on the head a week ago while I we feeding the chickens. That’s some weird shit for ya! I told my Mom about it… but she don’t give a shit.
Yup, not even one. Maybe  Dad?
“Son, I don’t give two shits.”
Ok, after the disappointment and sense of abandonment wears off, one can at least enjoy having learned that ‘shit’ has a plural, ‘shits’ for two or more…um.. ‘excretory events’. Fine, but what keeps you up at night is wondering which is the more apathetic, not giving one, or two?

Anyway, I called the alien ‘It’. Didn’t have any recognizable gender manifestations. Oh well, what did I expect?  It’s an alien.
Short for “It is an alien.” Most folks encountering creatures from outer space feel rushed for time, and use the handy contraction. That’s why it’s there. Uh oh…

Contractions! The stupid book just says if they’re less than (ed- ‘fewer than’?) ten minutes apart, see your doctor. Oy, there’s another one, no time for grammar. But why me? Not only past the prime child-bearing age but also male. Men don’t have babies, except for maybe cannibals, who have them for appetizers. That’s gross. And I’m pregnant? Why? How? When? Must’ve happened when the second alien knocked me out cold. Yes, there were two of ’em. I was unconscious for about fifteen minutes, I’d guess. That’s  fairly short for an amorous episode, at least where I come from. Pisses me off, the whole thing; I’ma gonna call this one ‘It’ too.
Looks like there are two ‘It’s.
True, one doesn’t encounter this situation that often, but when it happens it’s nice to know there’s a word for a pair of ’em: ‘Its‘.

This Alien doesn’t know its ass from a hole in the ground.
‘Its’ here is a simple neuter possessive pronoun. No apostrophe. It doesn’t deserve one.

Your spouse? Um…its name is ‘It’.

Guess that’s what I’ll have to tell the lackeys when I register the demon-child’s birth downtown.Yes, Ms. Feinberg,
‘It’ is It’s name, duh.
Here we get to use an apostrophe, since the name belongs to ‘It. But don’t get used to seeing it. In most cases, one has to suffer seeing ‘its‘ as a possessive but without a ‘postrophe.
Sickening but correct. Now where were we?

Oh yeah, in deep shit. Shit’s bad name stems most likely from its odor. Humans learned olfactory preferences the hard way, over a period of millions of years (or about a day and a half, depending on your IQ.) Anyway, the wiser Neanderthals learned from the bears to shit in the woods, not in the bath-tub. The tub’s for trying out rose-petal scented soap, stuff like that there. Man, I’m gonna take a long bath when this shit’s over. Meanwhile:

If yer looking for a neuter possessive pronoun well, it’s ‘its’.
But if something’s neuter, and simply is what it is but you’re short on time, than use “it’s”,
the contraction for… Damn. how do you breathe and push at the same time?
F*cking irresponsible alien,
I hope only bad shit’s happening to It’s ass.


6 thoughts on “Shitty post about ‘its’ and ‘it’s’

  1. elgan

    This was most edifying. I don’t think I could have done better, or even as well, in making my readership aware of the distinctions between possessives, contractions, excrement and aliens named It. In fact, It’s shit isn’t the same as its shit, when you look in the different plastic baggies It uses for storing that stuff, but it’s obvious that it’s great shit, Mrs. Presky!

  2. jsolberg

    @elgan – I forgot how much I count on you to ‘flesh out’ my concepts. And yeah, I had some great shit once, sadly less than a key (had to split it with the sound man.) But seriously, one whiff of Tel Mond and a wise guy fast-forwards to the straight and narrow.

  3. Roadkill_Spatula

    Excrement does occur and is indeed aging at a vertiginous pace, as you so aptly put it, Mr. Solberg. Our civilization appears to be doomed to repose in vertically copious masses of the same as orthographic ignorance inexorably extends its bounds.

  4. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Right you are, and not a second too soon. In the end, an illiterate horde will lack even the verbal clarity to complain coherently. (Closest harbinger I can think of at present is my difficulty ranting *in Hebrew* about the extreme limits and faults of Hebrew itself. Like a defective amoeba, the language as presently mumbled is a mass of gelatinous mucilage, invincible before my sharp knives. The only thing you can do is walk away, and talk to broccoli.

  5. Roadkill_Spatula

    @jsolberg – That’s why God gave you English, maybe. Ancient Hebrew appears to have been adequate for all communicative needs. Otherwise David would have written a psalm of linguistic lament, or mayhap Solomon would have penned proverbs referring people to more colorful languages when facing excoriatory paucity.

  6. dirtbubble

    I believe this work has too much game for me in my weakened state. Don’t crap in the tub – I’m pretty sure I can get behind that. Beyond this I’ll just admit I laughed my fucking ass off out loud as I rolled on the floor.


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