Triple-prong post

Yes, the pieces stuck together by Muscilage™, that ’50s wonder paste-in-a-bottle, with the red rubber top and its tiny ‘Push-to-slime’ slit, which resembled so much (in retrospect, how were we to know?) a penis-head or, god-forbid, vulva.
Anyway, first off, Memoirs of Troubled sleep Chapter.114, as usual:
“Constructing absurd sentences  requires fore-thought; in fact, in several previous attempts, I have had to have had ‘had to have had’ firmly in mind already in the early stage in order to achieve the usage-count that ‘had’ had; Had ‘had’ had a more haphazard role in the planing, I would have had to have had exceptional luck to achieve the same results.

Moral of the story: I live in a daily language (Hebrew) which suffers from a serious lack of tenses.
We got, like,
1) The ‘simple past’, which not having learned all that much from, we are condemned to repeat, as farce, daily. To wit: “nikshalnu” (‘we screwed up’)

2) The present
, oddly un-presentable most-times. Ex: “nikshal’im (‘we screw up’)
But wait! There’s always…

3) The Future, tense, that world of Tomorrow,
which usually turns out to be simply the Day-after Tomorrow’s Yesterday. The prevalent saying here is that nothing is more permanent than today’s ‘temporary’. As in, yeah, I’ll fix that roof tomorrow. And we say: “nikshalu” (‘we will screw up’)
    A sentence like the one I created above would require gallons of hebrew ink; we just don’t have the grammatical tools to talk about abstruse shit like that. Woe is me.

{Muscilage HERE}

Next, a Victory of sorts, even if it was only a Dream.


“So you should know; there’s a Rebate on that Rowboat, ROBOT.” I mentioned in nicely human-modulated tones, hoping not to inspire too much cyborg penis-envy.
“A REBATE”   he/she? intoned mechanically…
No, in fact the tone actually ‘fell’ almost an octave from the ‘A’ to the ‘Re-‘ in ‘rebate’. The phrase sounded like a resigned “Oh well…” more than “A rebate?!”, that evocation of surprised happiness a human easily creates by using exactly the opposite tonal profile. (Try saying it out loud both ways, to better understand what I’m describing.)
Silly droids.
“Here, use this to claim it.” as I slipped the installation disc into his forehead slot. His eyes closed for a few seconds, then:
“Requires a Reboot” escaped his metal lips.
“Sure thing, ENIAC.” I kidded him.
   As soon as I was sure my speech-synthesis upgrade had hit its target I handed him the ‘ores’ he’d requested: Galena for its gravitas and Bauxite for, well, ease of workability, not to mention aluminum’s being used, at the time a precious metal, on the very cap of the Washington Monument.
   Unarmed, he sat in the little boat for a good ten minutes, perched there between the wooden boxes. Finally, he came to life:
“Ted and Todd tied a toad to the tee and teed-off.”
That was what I had been waiting to hear. I safely Ejected the CD, tapping his little head in the process, which was almost complete.
And Lloyd led a load of loud, lewd lads from Lodz to Leeds for a critical fut-bol match.” he continued, eyes this time lighting up nicely with a different shining colour at each vowel. I couldn’t have been more thrilled. Workaround subroutines for the win, Alex!
   Handing him, finally, a usable ‘OAR’, I saw the glint of recognition in his LEDs. Not five minutes later he was making acceptable circles on the inlet test-lake here at Nahal Soreq.
“Paddle?” he said, this time the rising tone leaving no room for doubt that it was a question.
“Puddle?” “Poodle?” “Pedal?” …”Piddle?” I enunciated the alternatives, each time to a reassuring shake of his servo-assisted head.
“No, I request Paddle!” he seemed empowered by his powers-of magnitude upgrade. I gave him a second paddle. Accounting can deduct it from his Rebate.
And nothing will ever rival the blissful sight of ROBOT making record time churning his way out to the open sea, radiating cyber-ecstacy if such exists at all.

{More Muscilage HERE. Press hard}

And finally: Will they miss my birthday? Again? My cactuses (cacti) just don’t get it. Every year a ‘Belated Birthday Card’. Hmm.. if you love somebody, truly love him or her, you start working on the present like, a month in advance, duh. I’ll post, as is customary, a picture of their bloom, whenever it happens, even if I have to sit in the corner and cry today on my birthday. Boo-hoo.. maybe I should have simply waited a week or so to be born. After all, it’s all been kinda downhill since April 17th, 1949 anyway. The Cold War, Vietnam, Three-Mile Island, festering Gaza wars. Jeezuz, it’s tough to be a ‘cup half full’ kinda guy lately.



18 thoughts on “Triple-prong post

  1. Roadkill_Spatula

    Happy birthday, Yonni! I had no idea it was now. I sometimes wonder how my Chinese colleagues do the “wouldn’t have had to have” thing; they can probably draw the whole scene out in little pictures but the spoken language has very simple grammar also.Your garden is looking excellent.I grew up with mucilage. Occasionally I wax nostalgic and think to myself, “Man, I hated that stuff! Thank God for glue sticks.”

  2. flatpick46

    The happiest of birthdays to you, good sir! Nice to read your words again. Come and check out my new mandolin when you can….I have a couple of friday posts of the flatpick variety featuring mandolin.

  3. slmret

    Happy birthday — This is a wonderful post — I found myself wondering, though, how well it would translate into any other language!  But then again, other languages must have their equivalents!

  4. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Yeah, the dumb stuff didn’t even stick good. To this day some of us call the less-endowed “paste-eaters”, in memory of a certain Dawn Heverling, who sat in the back of the bus and drank the stuff from the bottle daily, in her be-nighted wisdom.Looks like the cacti will in fact bloom before local midnight, which is kosher enough for me.

  5. jsolberg

    @seedsower – Wow. Thank you. (Starting to almost look like I was fishing for birthday wishes here, ha.)I do remember that day, 62 years ago. A Sunday. I exited the womb feet first, I guess to get a running start. Laid out on the cold linoleum somewhere near Kleinfelter’s-ville. Running seemed like the best option, ha.


    Oh goody! You were born, wrote this post, and now I have a place to exhibit an impressionable line or two I’d heard in a movie: Forever is epitaph.Or, along the same lines, “I don’t want ‘forever’; I want ‘now’!”How ’bout Shakespeare? What’s past is prologue.What ever is going on with those cacti they sure do look ready to burst. Be patient (if you want you can rationalize it as a way to remain 61. Maybe a cactus knows more about time. Happy Birthday, anyway.

  7. jsolberg

    @POETIC_ISIS – All 3 are creditable phrases worthy of pondering. Personally, I just try to maximize my ration of epithet/epitaph on the part of the consuming public.And yes, I’d hinted that the cactus counts years according to a more primeval calendar. Wish I’d pissed, or somehow labeled the point in the Earth’s orbit where we were when I came aboard. Then I could watch it go past each year and feel… empowered? pissed?Thanks for your thoughts/js

  8. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud – There’s something… I don’t know; I’d drop just about anything I can think of at the moment in order to read about grammar. A truly sexy subject, and I don’t even know why she moveth me so.(And to prove it, the security-guard at the supermarket just now ‘helped’ me to try to phrase the sentence {Part II; above} in street Hebrew. Yeah, about 600 words. Like I thought. I would have had to have had the patience of a saint just to transcribe the scrivening. Oy, mebbe Man was not intended to express complex conditional hypotheticals?Meanwhile, your recent postings are muy interessante. Almost un-matched for their evocative kilowatts. I’ll re-start my comments-to-the-deserving machine post haste/ js


    @jsolberg – There is a record of last year’s bloom. Going forward to today’s (or when the next bloom happens), you can compare the two (or three or four going back to the first time you marked your cacti record) and enjoy. You are part of the people who plant and produce. I feel happy that you share, and this sharing can sometimes give me a place to put the something that happens in me. So, thank you and, equally, you’re welcome.

  10. MelFamy

    @Roadkill_Spatula – When I was a toddler, I used to eat the burnt part of wooden matches, or so I am told. My pediatrician told them that this behavior, while not common, was harmless.  I stopped on my own, and when my folks told me about it, I had to try it. Burnt cardboard matches suck more than wooden ones, is my conclusion.@jsolberg – Feliz cumpleanos, amigo.


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