What is to be done?”

    I stopped worrying long ago whether anyone ‘gets’ the title; a copy/paste from a pamphlet written by a guy who had worse problems than mine. And no, not Jody Foster.
Yet I do have compelling ‘issues’, and thought today  that maybe, just this once, I’d profit by writing a ‘normal’ Xanga entry. Starting with
1) What I had for breakfast; 2 eggs over-light, toast and coffee, a gift from my loving ex. Lots of folks would trade their intact marriages for my mutual-help-and-respect relationship with this woman, whose only sin was… um.. I still don’t know precisely. At least now the Byzantine Israeli government can’t legally take the house if I ‘forget’ to pay a bill or two.
2) Meanwhile, my 3 shekel lighter’s eternal flame seems to have wimped out. Running to the gas-station for a new one’ll cost me 2 shekels in gas. That’s why God invented the toaster-oven, I guess.
3) I have to get out of here and ‘working-visit’ the Untied Snakes of Armenia. Soon. The recent floods in Pennsylvania were less than kind to my log house’s 1798 basement walls. This imperative creates a laundry-list of ancillary ‘tsorises’ (yiddish for ‘dumb shit that I have to deal with’)
4) Meanwhile the well-meaning (?) scoundrels at the ‘Institute whose Name we shan’t  mention’ have me holed-up in a cellar which, as of yesterday, is owned by some Israeli Bank. The ‘luft-geschaefters’ (Yiddish: ‘profiteers-from essentially air’) have a technical right to abscond with my hard-won lifetime booty, down to the 30 Tee-shirts in cardboard boxes, which scares a guy almost as much as the thought of being murdered in his sleep by Israel’s most heroic but nameless Secret Agent, lately become ‘unsound’ and demented at age 62, due to what, a brain hemmorhage? I shall never ever ‘out’ her alias, but still, damn, I’m getting tired of pooping in a drywall-bucket for my Country. There, ‘I’ve said too much’, as the saying goes…

5) Meanwhile, in the interest of brevity, I have the following physical problems, all unaddressed. Even nailing down the Zip-codes would cost me a day of work I can’t afford to lose. (Did I mention I’m broke, except for a 2 million dollar farm I quarter-own, but don’t feel like selling to smurf-villagers?)
Prostate. It’s what happens when you’re 61 and thought it was kewl to love five women a day for decades. If a gland could talk, mine would scream ‘Oy Gevalt!’. Not that I’d ‘take back’ even one gram of its  output, nor have I ever heard any second-thoughts from the  recipients. (Damn, I sound like some other guy, only with  documents, ha)
Vision: I ‘see’ out of only about half of my field of vision. All the rest my brain ‘makes up’, thank god, or else I’d see holes. I don’t, I just see little old ladies who aren’t there, wearing funny hats. Bonet’s syndrome. Fun.. for a while. except in traffic.
Teeth: the fewer you have left, the less time it takes not to brush them. I do have incisors though. Nobody ever said I wasn’t incisive. I can gum a steak to death as fast as a cow, assuming
bovines are cannibals, in extremis.
Emphysema: I’ve found a work-around. Breath deeply, and only bicycle downhill. Like the Marlboro Man on his ‘I’d gallop a mile for a Camel’  horsie.
Whasit?: A little place on the back of one hand where a bite from some local critter failed to heal up correctly. I suspect a bot-fly. I may do radical home-surgery. That’s why God invented the exacto-knife. The Brits call it a ‘Stanley-knife’ (correct me, Rambling_man?). and we Israelis make-do with ‘japanese-knife’. God help us.
6) No car insurance? Simple: just change the policy-scan in Ms-Paint to ‘Expires 2010. Good enough for a guy in an emergency.
7) Needing a beer or two for breakfast in order to deal with our world-class crew of annoying Levantine rat-peoples is mostly a financial problem. I waste the equivalent of a half-month’s rent monthly just to fill my recycle bags with aluminum.

The Good news: At least I discovered Xanga five years ago, and have laboriously cultivated a coterie of uniquely-kind and thoughtful friends, with whom I can, (albeit rarely) share some of the bitter truth which emerges as I collect my thoughts here. Let there be no mistake; I sub to only one in a thousand, approximately, after a lengthy ‘trial’ period of reading your posts and comments for hours every night. If you are one of my subs, you are ‘special’ by a hard-to-describe filter, and merit looking deliciously downward on 98% of the Top-Blog paste-eaters on a normal hair-day. Thanks so much for reading this far. I couldn’t survive without you./ JS Tel Aviv Israel

Wu: An honest post? What happened? You fell off a horse and banged your kopf?
Me: Maybe I just want to be ‘be-loved ‘?
Wu: Probably better than to be be-headed…
Me:  Hmm.. sometimes the two are hard to tell apart.. ‘Course I can always ‘Delete Post’…. assuming Xanga’s working.


47 thoughts on “What is to be done?”

  1. Roadkill_Spatula

    Cryptic as always. What do you mean about holing up in a cellar owned by a bank? I take it you’re still looking after your friend?Getting old sucks, doesn’t it? I thought you had gone on the wagon. I watched a TV program about how coffee stimulated the industrial revolution. Before that, beer and similar drinks were the norm in Europe, and people wandered around in a semitorpid state (which according to statistics would be North Dakota).Bummer about the damage to your PA place. I hope the repairs aren’t too massive. Wish I could get over there to help. Let me know when you travel and I’ll see if my employer has anything going on in that area.

  2. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Actually uncharacteristically non-cryptic: Currently inhabiting the 1000 sq ft basement of a 1.5 million $ house I helped to prepare for sale; it’s just that the bank’s mortage deadline came due a few days ago, necesitating an exit.Yeah, I had a miracle exit from ethanol, then changed my mind temporarily. Least of my worries, since I never get drunk or make bad decisions.And wow, it’d be heaven to do a project with you. Lancaster Co. PA. Probably 10% Latino, mostly Puerto-Ricano. Actually, the translation needs there are for the Bill of Rights into Red-neck, ha. I’ll share travel plans with you as they clarify. Google Maps shows a paved road to TX, I just discovered.

  3. ordinarybutloud

    Cows are cannibals in parts of the US according to the foodies who are trying to scare me into veganism with their Mad Cow business. And…what do you have against smurf villagers? I say, if a smurf villager has $500,000 and he wants 1/4 of a farm, he’s your new best friend! And thanks for subbing to me because now I feel SO EXTRA SPECIAL and I regret blaming my “regular” readers for my scavenger hunt obsession.

  4. ItsWhatEyeKnow

    I never knew sex caused … OH YOUUUUU!  You made that up!(Now I must point out that quitting smoking would improve you health and save you some extra dough, ya know?  I care, that’s why I don’t shut it.)

  5. Roadkill_Spatula

    @jsolberg – Cool. It’d be nice if my employer paid for my trip, so it’s a long shot. All depends on timing, which I can’t know in advance. I am tentatively scheduled to be in the DC area for a week in November, but it’s very tentative.

  6. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud – Interestingly, your wonderful gift for fiction is a simple ‘dividend’ for those erudite enough to follow your fact-based musings. I’d call it ‘The Winter of OBL’s Content-broadening’, if it were winter. ‘Prague Spring’? // You passed the Sub-test in only one round, btw, a to-die-for post whose topic I’ve forgotten.Growing up knowing every square inch of 120 acres creates a life-long reticence to see it ‘developed’ by the Chem-Lawn crowd. Even against simple economics of survival. Among four siblings, I’m solidly with the ‘agin-it’ faction. I did have a calf once I loved so much I considered buying her a Big Mac for her birthday(!) I settled for large fries and a vanilla shake. She was grateful, but still pooped in the back seat of the ’67 Mustang while we waited at the drive-thru with the dumb red hat on the roof. (Ok, I do fiction too, ha.)

  7. jsolberg

    @ItsWhatEyeKnow – I deeply appreciate your thoughts:) Yes, those two poisons’ elimination would pay for a new prostate. (And of course I’m on shaky medical ground claiming ‘I wore the damn thing out’. Still, I’ll go head-to-head against Wilt Chamberlain, if he lets me stand on a ladder.

  8. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula – Like you said, growing old sucks, sometimes. Had I known I’d live this long I would have dedicated an entire shoe-box piggy-bank to commision the Tool-guy’s thoughtful help. But depending on yield/acre and the price of corn this year, I may allow myself a short road-trip South.

  9. jsolberg

    @ordinarybutloud –  It’s a conflict. Our basement freezers were full of freezer-paper-wrapped steaks, each marked, for example, ‘Bonnie’, Beatrice’, or ‘Beulah’. and I remembered gutting and cutting up each victim. Damn, now I feel like Jeffrey Dahmer. Maybe Burger king should serve with profile pix and lists of the cow’s individual interests. ‘Long romantic walks by the pond… except for that one day..’

  10. seedsower

    I’M EXPECTING A VISIT WHEN YOU GET HERE OR A CALL SO I CAN COME FIND YOU!You know I love you and I am so glad that you are here on Xanga,you are one of my very favoritest peoples.

  11. SoapAndShampoo

    The Department of Homeland Security, feeling one-upped by the Mossad on a daily basis, tried to prove itself today by putting twenty more three year olds on the No-Fly list and inventing the No-Walk list. Meanwhile, actual terrorists continue to thrive in America’s BFF, Pakistan. “It’ll all make sense in the end,” swears Homeland Security, on its way to a meeting to discuss the No-Wear-Flag-Pin list.Smurf villagers are stingy little critters. I wouldn’t want to sell them anything either.

  12. jsolberg

    @seedsower – I’m trying to remember what’s the farthest I’ve ever walked just to see a girl’s smile. I’d do Phila to Lanc for you, pretty sure. Mebbe not Balt or D.C. though, they’re uphill the whole way, least on my map:)

  13. jsolberg

    @SoapAndShampoo – It’s a ‘Smurphie’s Choice’: only by subdividing and creating a little blue Levittown will I ever be a millionaire… up until I hang myself in shame. //And both our espionage agencies have stunning successes and failures. ‘Deny, deny’ works, as does ‘deny with a broad wink’. I’d love a personal ‘no-fly-zone here lots of times; such a bitch swatting them.

  14. jsolberg

    @piqued – I may be imagining unproven indescribable evil, but it was a tiny little bite mark that itched like crazy for a week. Entirely un-precedented. Then healed, sorta, with a bubble/mound around it. A small Alien is my second guess here. not sure from which star system. If you don’t hear from me….

  15. jsolberg

    @seedsower – I may even run part way:) And sure, we’s subbed, friended, buddied, secret-hand-shook, the whole package, last I checked. Unless Xanga’s robot divorced us, the jealous little clone, ha

  16. HappierHeathen

    Hmmm… botfly larvae, bucket-shitting, and intrigue, with hallucinations on the side and Pennsylvania for dessert. I can’t imagine that the movie after dinner will be more interesting than that. Unless of course it’s The JSolberg Identity, wherein our amazingly skilled protagonist throws down against the JDL and wins.

  17. ZSA_MD

    What a funny post. I had my mouth open the whole time, almost chuckling to myself. Ok, i need you to come and visit me too. Just think how many Israelis, can come and break bread in a muslim home? Well there were a few physicians who did that, but now they are gone , to other states. But yeah please remember to come here.

  18. jsolberg

    @ZSA_MD – Your locale is a short hop, once I’m in the New World, (as the Indians called it, ha.) I’ve seen pictures of your cuisine, and will arrive famished:) Thanks for the sweet invite.

  19. an_OM_aly

    I don’t think that any two people do entirely agree on reality.  Good Luck dealing with all issues virtual and/or real.  Regarding your post:  well done. 

  20. jsolberg

    @an_OM_aly –  Thanks for you well-wishes; as to the post, I’d call it Medium Rare. Still bloody on the inside. But I’m in a suspiciously-odd good mood today for having shared it with y’all.

  21. jsolberg

    @quodmenutriut –  Levity is my middle name, having seen the limits of gravity. Always a thrill to ‘chortle’ a fresh ‘victim’. It’s arguably my main goal here, aside from assessing the Meaning of Life, most of whose data points intractably resist even Gauss’s ‘least mean squares’ attempt to draw a straight line through the goddamn graph. Nice to meet you.

  22. ZSA_MD

    @jsolberg – That would be so great. I would love to have you here. Just come before the 22nd of November. I am leaving for India on that day and won’t be back for a couple of months.

  23. elgan

    Oy, JS, what did I tell you about the smoking already? It’ll be the death of you! *shakes head in disbelief that he didn’t quit yet* Okay, enough guilt. There’s a river in Manitoba called the Souris River. Someone cried me a river, and if you don’t look after yourself, I’ll cry a river over you.

  24. MelFamy

    Maybe the Mossad, because of their misguided interest in you, planted a ‘bug’ under your skin. I would have myself swept on a regular basis. It is good that you can see the humor in any situation, and that you can still have good days. Still, I hope things become boringly benign sooner than later.

  25. an_OM_aly

    medium rare does not address the don’t do done issue.  apart from that, i came back to steal/borrow your link to bonnet’s syndrome even tho Easter is not til Spring 

  26. hellnohateyou

    Why are you still driving?!Transmen can get prostatitis without ever having been able to make semen. The plus side you should see (I think) is that you can’t get prostatitis if your testosterone levels are too low… so that’s one problem you don’t have.You have a house in Pennsylvania? Where, where, where?And, no, thank YOU.

  27. jsolberg

    @hellnohateyou – I drove to Tel Aviv and back just this morning with my boy, who’s in the 402nd (non-crybaby) brigade. It did seem to take longer than usual to read the signs.// House is in Lancaster County, almost near the border with Maryland. I go there sometimes for breakfast, just to feel the other side of the Mason Dixon line.

  28. dirtbubble

    More honest you are, more cornfuzzled I become. Why now do I feel I know you even less? Yet just before I arrived at your page I was pondering the use of that word “incisive.” I think I must still be dreaming. Be well, friend.

  29. chromepoet

    Youth is wasted on the young; wisdom on the aged. With ‘holes’ in your vision, you should fit in like without effort when you arrive back in the American Republic. (No offense meant to the other American republics but since Washington reduced States to no significant meaning (other than lower in the hierarchical Federal bureaucracy), I know not what other label to use … and I digressThe image of a drywall bucket toilet will stay with me for the rest of my life … or … maybe this is a unique recycle-business opportunity … an inexpensive, portable potty for only $28.88. I mean, the Duluth people did okay with the recycle-bucket-tool-concept. You know this is close … But I digress again.What you need my friend, is a typing break. I recommend an 18-year old Norwegian to transcribe from mumbled recordings and legal pads covered in ink. The keyboard squares Mind’s circle and in a world that could use more circles we need to up the output of paisley polliwog Minds like yours.CP


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