‘Goal-posts’ The new Xanga Policy?

     Not sure if everyone got the e-mail notification on this. It’s bound to be controversial, so let me be the first to register an opinion (after conforming to the new rules), which require, and I quote:
“A brief statement of one’s Goals in writing the Post; be succinct but honest. As a serious blogging-platform, we must insist that our limited server-base be utilized by writers with identifiable and achievable aims.
Alternately, you may simply check one or several of the suggestions at the bottom of the new Edit/Compose page. Be aware though, that fraudulent statements will de-activate your account. ‘A Public Service’, for example, does not accurately describe two pages of illiterate, vulgar, and un-grammatical trashing of a fellow blogger. Your text will be read by our Xanga-bots, and in many cases, by one of our team of human readers, hired and trained just recently to distinguish sound fruit from toxic waste. Good Luck, and a more pleasant blogging experience. The Xanga Team

Ok, my goals here are:
1) to present a short ‘spoof’ poem, as a preface to serious speculation on possible advances in the virtual-‘playmate’ field
2) To briefly entertain my readers, none of whom likely have a more-than-academic interest in the subject
3) To enable myself to make sense of an amusing(?) incident from the past, thereby laminating it for posterity
4) To get onto the Front Page, so I can feel I am somebody, just like Steve Martin in ‘The Jerk’.
5) Oops, strike #4

Body of Post:
Bread and Puppet Industries, the parent company best known for its gaudy-but-tawdry ‘Sluts R Us’ mall-outlets, sent me this come-on advertisement. I have serious philosophical difference with the conglomerate, into which I shall wade following the poem they included: 

A Barby’s a dollar
She comes with a collar
You can pumper- all night for a -nickle
We got ‘white bread’ and ‘rye’.
They’re both worth a try
And a pita that’ll swallow your pickle

Pre-programmed with COY and COQUETTE
And you’ll need never ‘marry-an-ette’
She drinks from a saucer
Finished? Just toss her
For the money, they’re the best you can get

I suspect that within ten years or so, virtual lifelike ‘companions’ will be as cheap and available as hotel matches. List me as ‘fer-it’. Not, god forbid as a buyer, but as a beneficiary of the trend, which may take a sizable percentage of the superficial male population ‘off the market’. Women desiring a bond which includes their thoughts, emotions, quirks, and wisdom will specify ‘No Pets’, and yeah, that’ll be moi.

True Story:
Decades ago, back when the Blow-up-Doll was still in its infancy, I worked with a charming fellow named Groobie from Lititz. We were busily applying rough-sawn poplar siding to the interior an ‘Adult’ (sic) store. You know, a rustic background for their paraphenalia displays. And it seemed like every ten minutes we had to move the damned ‘balloon-with holes’ girl out of the way in order to work. One day at quitting time we’d had enough:
“Tomorrow. The basement. Polypropylene Pam gets it!” Groobie declared.
“I’m in, but who goes first?” I asked, thereby agreeing in principle to Groobie’s rough-justice plan. Yet that small detail needed to be clarified; neither of us had any experience, or desire, to slurp in another’s slurp.
“We’ll have to clean her up good anyway,” Groobie to the rescue,“…so big deal. Of course, you could always just lay her on her tummy?”
I felt like he was, as Father of the Idea, laying down the protocol.
“She goes that way?” I asked, naively.
“Of course.” he looked at me paternally.
“Hey, I’m no pervert!” I protested, but then we both laughed, and shook hands on the deal.
“See ya at 9:00”, Groobie, getting into his pickup.

She was gone by 8:00 AM. Some lascivious, demented, socially-crippled, defective husk-of-a-human had come in and bought her for $29.95.
We both tried to act non-chalant and un-possessive when Susie, the girl on the counter told us. Maybe she knew though. Women know stuff. And only a co-incidence that Susie forced me, that very night, to help her ‘try out her new muscle-relaxers’. They worked nicely. And no messy clean-up.
I feel I’ve accomplished my goals here.


13 thoughts on “‘Goal-posts’ The new Xanga Policy?

  1. MelFamy

    May I suggest the Solberg, Sir? A lesser-known white, it has aged quite well. Subtle hints of lemon, acidity, and nuts, a bouquet like fresh air, with a witty finish.


    Hey, I’m not making fun of a typo, only noticing the potential for a new great word. Syperficial? In the context, certainly you must mean, Cyberficial. Anyway, I read your story on the tummy dummy before only, iirc, you wrote it told it in a different style. I ain’t gonna say nothing about the clean up. (Of course you didn’t notice.)

  3. elgan

    The Barbie on the shelf was plastic,Ideal for Groobie, the spastic.He was no dummy,Laid her on her tummy,And declared the result was fantastic.

  4. jsolberg

    @elgan – Ah, I feel a bit less tawdry now that you’ve brought some poetic culture to this borderline post. Oh well, at least nothing happened between me and that polymer, and I might even have chickened out at the last minute. Sex is for making kids, we Puritans believe.

  5. Roadkill_Spatula

    @jsolberg – Or maybe he associated with immigrant hipsters: “Farrr out. Grooby. Deeg eet.” Probably just as well you don’t know his name; he might not want to be associated with your story at this stage of life.

  6. jsolberg

    @Roadkill_Spatula –  Look, polymer-science has come a long way since the early 70s. Still, I’ll bet he’s as proud of his almost-one-night stand with Rubber-Rita as today’s C+++’s are of coding on the TRS-80. I’ll know more clearly when all the anonymous footprints I get from Penna. arise revealed from the drained lake of ambiguity.

  7. Roadkill_Spatula

    Mayhap all will be revealed. He probably went on to marry a spectacularly beautiful mannequin from Nordstrom and produce a well-trained crop of Kewpie dolls, Tickle-Me-Elmos, and Star Wars action figures.


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