Seeing an otherwise perfectly written and perceptive post on the recent US financial circus-parade titled “HYPOCRACY” was what put me over the line. ‘There but for fortchewn gogh I’ I thought. There are a quite a few words I myself refuse to learn to spell, probably ’cause they’re the wrong color, but hmm….
(By the way, the art of bringing a typo discretely to the attention of a beloved Xangan is tricky. I usually just spell it correctly in a comment and hope for the best. Or in this case, suggest that rule-by-hippos might actually be preferable to the babboons currently in charge.At any rate, I decided to find a free spelling thingie on-line, download it, and let it iron out the wrinkles in my fabrications here. I made a big mistake.
Simply put, “DO NOT ..EVER..USE “Schpiel-checker 1.0. ®’ I should have trusted Google when she asked “Did you mean to search for ‘Spell-checker’?” But no, I blithely clicked the link, grabbed the .exe. ‘yes’ to the agreement, ‘yeah, a desktop icon, why not?’, and bang, now I’m a dead man.
(I’m writing this from an un-infected friend’s computer, by the way; I wouldn’t have gotten past the first two lines on my own “Schpiel-protected” ™ machine.
I tell stories. You guys know that. Even in first grade, they didn’t merely label me ‘langsam‘ (slow), no, my very first report-card had Mammy Hummel’s scribbled curse-wort “Lang-weilich’ (‘he takes like, forever to get to the point’) there in red pen on the back, under ‘Add Comments’. Big Deal. She wanted
“Dick and Jane had a Dog. His name was Spot.
Bad shit happened to Spot. Spot got Dead. The End”.
A+. Good, Johnny.
For me the whole fateful vignette made no sense without a page or so of character-development; Dick only agreed to that dumbische name cause Jane gave him that wining pre-pubescent smile?
Anyway, Schpiel-Chequer, whatever, insinuates its evil self into every stinking file on your hard-drive. And any sentence even borderline deviant from Voice of America’s Simple English broadcast style-book is DELETED.! You heard that right. Luckily I save my posts as .bmp screen-captures. You should see what it does to the .txt’s. Five hundred carefully-, ok, whimsically-chosen words reduced to two sentences:
“Jane met Dick. Spot liked his. Why? Because he could.
Jane said ‘See you in 20 years, Dick.’ Dick looked at his watch. The End.”
Dear Readers: Don’t do what I done. Stick with sum-thing reputable. Caveat Emptor. (Hey,It doesn’t censor Latin!. Hmmm…)