Primordial ‘Ooh’s

ABSTRACT: This post examines in concrete terms the impact of exiting the U.S.A with its pluses and the occasional minus, and returning to what has (maybe unfairly) been called ‘a shitty little middle eastern country’. I’ll use bullet points, having been for the last week kinda drawn to firepower as the quickest solution to the unique problems of this sucking wound of a nation.
Booze: Two bucks gets a smart shopper in the U.S. 3 beers; here you’re lucky to score one, and it’ll most likely be the local inebriated-grey-water creation brewed mainly for the tone-deaf market.
Coos: Yes we do have lots of birds: pigeons and doves, but also hawks, parrots, owls, gulls, and now, famously, the ‘ducky-fat’, the newly-elected Israeli National Bird, whose election I missed in my absence. Oh well, my vote woulda been wasted on its rival, the oddly-named “Bul-bul” (penis-bird). Long live the Ducky-fat!
Do’s: And so I return to the same infuriating 250 decibel religious muzak blasting in my ears from the neighboring Sin-agog, a trick they learned from the Arabs, I guess. “Thou shalt go deaf.”Their spiritual leader still walks the streets in his absurd raccoon-brim hat, gaberdine panty-hose, polyester purple heringbone raincoat and hair dangling out of his ears. Just like Moses or somebody told him to dress, I have to assume.
Fuse: Mine’s a little longer now, actually, since I started to actually pity most of these creatures. Or maybe remember that I’m just here to visit; no need to fix everything. I did go semi-postal when the nearby makolet-owner told me I needed to bring back, on my bicycle, the flimsy liter bag of rotten milk I bought there, before I could get a supposedly fresh one as a replacement. Nobody trusts anybody here, which is just local common sense in a Village of Liars.
Hues: Viewed from the air at 3000 feet on approach to BGN airport in early June, the place looks like a trash dump where they plowed a clear stretch through the middle to accomodate incoming jumbo jets. Get a little closer to home though, and you see that with courage, you can grow an amazing variety of really exciting plants. Exotic specimens. Not like the US wallflower stock-in-hand, which are mostly just ..well..’green’.
Jews: A real chicken and the egg’ problem: Is the place screwed up so abysmally because there are so many of us in one place and all our neighbors in every direction hate us, or does the egg come first? I won’t elaborate.
Clues? No, we don’t have any, thanks for asking. Half the government’s under investigation for fraud of one sort or another. Tell me, is it so tough to spend four years or so being prime minister without stealing money from the public coffer, or to harmlessly represent your people as President for a couple years without trying to rape your secretary? I think I could do it, but who knows…
U-Lose: What happened when I took a thousand dollars that I laughingly thought were worth something and changed them into shekels. Bought a small pizza-no toppings and a stick of gum. We’ll go into this horror show next post.
Muse: Your Correspondent is Not Amused here; He’s B-mused. Funny, you know, they’re not the same thing. Amusement is generally a pleasant enough experience, except for the long lines in the hot sun for the good rides, but ‘Bemusement Parks’ never quite caught on. When you spend half the time wondering whether the label ‘Homo sapiens’ is broad enough to include your neighbors… dat’s ‘be-mused’.
Mews: Yeah, I missed cats like crazy. Came back and was covered head to toe within minutes by furry felines with a serious petting debt. Put that in the plus list.
News: People come here to solve the Crisis in the Mideast. They have an ‘encouraging’ or frank’ round of talks. They propose a Plan. They go home, tired but happy. Film at eleven.
     That’s probably enough primordial alphabet soup for now. Just wanted y’all to know I landed safely… and that a $50 dollar car battery in the States costs $333 here… if you ‘chew’ the guy down. Stay tuned for more on that nonesense/ JS


10 thoughts on “Primordial ‘Ooh’s

  1. Ipoplikewhitey

    welcome to god’s sandy ashtray, as I will henceforth call my motherland. I’ve kept my nose to the ground and it’s still impossible to distinguish the pine sap from the magnesium powder, and I’ve not yet even be to a wedding.-g.

  2. jsolberg

    @Ipoplikewhitey – your comment, interesting and cryptic, reminds me of the Dead Sea Works, where separation of Mg, an abundance of Potassium Nitrate, and collectable acacia sap can make a desperate man a fine rocket. There sure is a lot of flotsam and jetsam lying around; can we blame the Philistines for this?

  3. tjordanm

    I believe the word bul is Korean for “fire.” If that helps any.Government officials in scandal, sounds like the reservation. I wonder if they could learn anything from the zionist movement.


    I’m afraid that you have it wrong – it wasn’t Moses who told him to dress that way, but the Besht.  It represents the Golden Age of Jewish Orthodoxy, the 18th Century.  Of course, they didn’t have purple polyester then, but they would have loved it, had it been invented – it avoids the whole question of shatness.  – The Geezer

  5. elgan

    They aren’t just wandering around your neighbourhood, the shtreimel wearers. They also live on my mother’s street and walk down the middle of the road on Saturday, playing chicken with the shabas-breaking motorists. Welcome back.

  6. Solarhead

    well, that sounds like ENTIRELY too much pleasure in one place!  It almost sounds like … that part of here that one reads in the supermarket tabloids!

  7. marigold_mom

    And you didn’t even visit.  Oh well!  Someday I’ll make it over there, maybe when batteries only cost $222.  Sounds like I’d have to have more devotion to the idea than I do now.  Which is a lot but apparently not enuf.

  8. superchanguito

    Hmmm… that is quite a list Mr. Solberg.  However, I think with beers coming in at a three to one ratio in favor of the US the balances may have tipped a bit…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s